Survival Guide #1 Faithful John

This - is a self-explanatory part of the blog. Imagine some day you are wandering over a hill merrily, not noticing what you're doing or where you're going - suddenly catastrophe! You are on the site of a rather in a circle of grass next to a spinney of oak, ash and yew trees!!! Next thing you know, you are in a fairytale - like Enchanted but backwards.

This is where I offer a guide of sorts, illustrated by selected fairy-tales, on how to survive should this most dreaded of events happen. It may seem pleasant, but believe me. There are far far more easy deaths to be had in a fairy-tale than happy-ever-afters. Besides, the level of sacharine sweetness you would have to attain to be guaranteed an eventual happy-ever-after if, quite frankly, impossible for mortal human beings.

So - without further ado - on to part one of the Survival Guide:

Names and what they mean:

Here in Faithful John we get a splendid illustration of how - in some ways at least - fairytales are also very very literal. His name is Faithful John. This means, dear reader that he is Faithful. I know. Shocker, isn't it? This is honestly a very very very good indication of what to expect in fairytales. The only time when you should be wary of taking a person's name at face-value is when it has the word 'simple' in it.

Beware of any name which indicates its owner is a moron. Usually this name is made up by jealous brothers and said 'moron' really is going to any day find a golden goose or fly off on a flying ship.

Anyway! Here are some types of name to look out for:

Personality Characteristics:

Vassila The Valiant
Fernand the Faithful/Fernand the Faithless
Trusty John

These are names where immediately you know what the person is going to be like. IMPORTANT TIP: Do not become travelling companions with people like Fernand the Faithless (real fairytale name. Everyone knew that was his name. Yes.) - it's not exaggeration and it's not an unfortunate slip of their mother's tongue. It is who they are. They will leave you down the bottomless pit to die while they take the magic princess back to the king.

Similarly, if Trusty John tells you something... then believe him.

Physical Characteristics:

Big Hans/Little Hans
Koshei the Deathless
Goldilocks
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Red Riding Hood

Again - yes somehow Red Riding Hood apparently came out of the womb with that cloak on, because that's her name. These names are not as essential to note, as you'll probably get the idea just from looking at the person (except Koshei... he is evil.).

Disguises:

Cap o' Rushes
Katie Woodencloak
Donkeyskin
Bearskin

If a girl is wearing a really really really weird over-garment and her name is something to do with the garment, be polite. She is a disguised princess.

Actions/Deeds/Occupations:

The Brave Little Tailor
Jack the Giant Killer
Katie Crackernuts

Katie cracks nuts, Jack kills giants, and the tailor is a tailor. The nice thing to note here is that you can pretty much bet if you meet someone called Giant Killer - then Giants will abound if you happen to hang out with them. For the sake of your peace of mind, avoid these people.

In conclusion - take note of your friends and enemies and what their names are. It provides a very good hint as to what may happen.