Fairytale Review #3 Fair Brown and Trembling Part 2

And so the saga of the tactless prince and somnumbulant king continues!

The Story Part 2

See part one for all previous. Quick recap: Fair, Brown and Trembling are Irish princesses, somehow Fair and Brown treat Trembling as a Cinderella but she has a kickass Henwife who gives her magic gowns for church and now Fair's beau and all the princes of the world are looking for her. Sweet?

"Is there any other young woman in the house?" asked the prince.

....DUDE. You do NOT stand in front of the girl you were going out with and ask if there are ANY OTHER GIRLS!!! There has to be a Prince Tact Training School he flunked out of somewhere surely.

"There is," said Trembling, speaking up in the closet; "I'm here."

"Oh! we have her for nothing but to put out the ashes," said the sisters.

<.< >.> Which we keep in the closet. No reason. This is not the girl you're looking for. Move along.

But the prince and the others wouldn't leave the house till they had seen her; so the two sisters had to open the door. When Trembling came out, the shoe was given to her, and it fitted exactly.

The prince of Omanya looked at her and said, "You are the woman the shoe fits, and you are the woman I took the shoe from."

Then Trembling spoke up, and said, "Do stay here till I return."

Then she went to the henwife's house. The old woman put on the cloak of darkness, got everything for her she had the first Sunday at church, and put her on the white mare in the same fashion. Then Trembling rode along the highway to the front of the house. All who saw her the first time said, "This is the lady we saw at church."

If they were outside the front of the house, how did they hear the voice in the cupboard? If they weren't out the outside of the house, how did they see her riding by? Why does the king live in a house and not a castle? I am so confused.

Then she went away a second time, and a second time came back on the black mare in the second dress which the henwife gave her. All who saw her the second Sunday said, "That is the lady we saw at church."

Where have the horses been all this time? I mean - that third horse is pretty recognisable. No one rode by a field and went - oh... there's a white and blue horse with diamond-shaped gold spots, maybe that weird girl from church is around here somewhere!! Maybe this blue/white/gold horse is an archaic Irish breed which has since died out because the leather was very popular?

A third time she asked for a short absence, and soon came back on the third mare and in the third dress. All who saw her the third time said, "That is the lady we saw at church." Every man was satisfied, and knew that she was the woman.

...they had to see all three dressed to be sure. Yeah. They're kind of slow and the Henwife had better be being paid overtime.

Then all the princes and great men spoke up, and said to the son of the king of Omanya, "You'll have to fight now for her before we let her go with you."

"I'm here before you, ready for combat," answered the prince.

Then the son of the king of Lochlin stepped forth.

Lochlin would be probably a Viking. From my Urban Dictionary research.

The struggle began, and a terrible struggle it was. They fought for nine hours; and then the son of the king of Lochlin stopped, gave up his claim, and left the field.

Very dedicated. Didn't even fight to the death. Pfft.

Next day the son of the king of Spain fought six hours, and yielded his claim. On the third day the son of the king of Nyerf— fought eight hours, and stopped.

No idea where Nyerf is. Imagine. I'm a Nyerfite. I speak Nyerfese. We come from Nyerf. We start every word with Ny so really we're from Erf. Or Earth. It's like a colloquial term for egomaniacs. We believe we are the world.

The fourth day the son of the king of Greece fought six hours, and stopped. On the fifth day no more strange princes wanted to fight; and all the sons of kings in Erin said they would not fight with a man of their own land, that the strangers had had their chance, and as no others came to claim the woman, she belonged of right to the son of the king of Omanya.

So of all the kings and princes of all the world... ALL of them... only five fought? And then the Erin rulers were like - yeah, Omanya's bewilderingly still a-okay and fighting fit after five days of heavy combat, so... we're not messing with him. Because he's the hero and will kick our... um... he's a brother. Yeah. Brother.

The marriage day was fixed, and the invitations were sent out. The wedding lasted for a year and a day.

It lasted for HOW long?? Think about that, the guests practically had to MOVE to Ireland so they could attend! Didn't the wedding dress get dirty? Oh no, I'm sorry, I forgot she has a Henwife and can just get a new one when she wants! Did the ceremonies last that long? How many times did they say 'I do' and for the love of all the little froggies in the pond, WHO WAS RULING? WHO??

When the wedding was over, the king's son brought home the bride, and when the time came a son was born. The young woman sent for her eldest sister, Fair, to be with her and care for her.

Because that's not awkward at all. I can see Trembling went to the same Tact school as her husband.

One day, when Trembling was well, and when her husband was away hunting, the two sisters went out to walk; and when they came to the seaside, the eldest pushed the youngest sister in. A great whale came and swallowed her.

Hold the phone. Literalist Problem alert. They were walking on the seaside... Fair pushes Trembling in, and there's a WHALE that close to shore? A whale which is big enough to swallow a person? One not brought there by divine intervention? Is she Jonah? Does she have a ministry somewhere she is neglecting? What IS this? WHY is there a convenient WHALE...

Oh.

Henwife.

Gotcha. It's red with white polka-dots, isn't it.

The eldest sister came home alone, and the husband asked, "Where is your sister?" "She has gone home to her father in Ballyshannon; now that I am well, I don't need her." "Well," said the husband, looking at her, "I'm in dread it's my wife that has gone." "Oh! no," said she; "it's my sister Fair that's gone." Since the sisters were very much alike, the prince was in doubt.

Very much alike, but he had to leave the elder for the younger because he really liked her shoes. Wait... this prince is surprisingly interested in fashion really, isn't he? I love also how he basically calls her on it, and she just has to say 'No, I'm me' for him to be calmed down.

That night he put his sword between them, and said, "If you are my wife, this sword will get warm; if not, it will stay cold." In the morning when he rose up, the sword was as cold as when he put it there.

And he leaped out of bed and demanded 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY WIFE, WITCH...

It happened when the two sisters were walking by the seashore, that a little cowboy was down by the water minding cattle, and saw Fair push Trembling into the sea; and next day, when the tide came in, he saw the whale swim up and throw her out on the sand.

...wait... why didn't the Prince... I mean magic sword staying cold, not his wife and... and that's it? He's just okay with it? Oh I forgot. They look alike, he's been in love with both of them, who really cares, right?

When she was on the sand she said to the cowboy, "When you go home in the evening with the cows, tell the master that my sister Fair pushed me into the sea yesterday; that a whale swallowed me, and then threw me out, but will come again and swallow me with the coming of the next tide; then he'll go out with the tide, and come again with tomorrow's tide, and throw me again on the strand. The whale will cast me out thee times. I'm under the enchantment of this whale, and cannot leave the beach or escape myself.

How convenient. Whales have magic spells to keep princesses on the beach. See? It IS the beach. Even worse. I thought it was like a cliff Fair threw Trembling off. But it's the beach. HOW was that going to do ANYTHING, Fair? YOU SUCK AS A MURDEROUS SISTER. She would get _wet_. It's _shallow_.

Unless my husband saves me before I'm swallowed the fourth time, I shall be lost. He must come and shoot the whale with a silver bullet when he turns on the broad of his back. Under the breast fin of the whale is a reddish-brown spot. My husband must hit him in that spot, for it is the only place in which he can be killed."

...someone please call Greenpeace.

When the cowboy got home, the eldest sister gave him a draught of oblivion, and he did not tell.

How did Fair know? How? It doesn't say he told her. WHY would he do that? and if she knows he saw her push Trembling, why wait a whole day to wipe his mind? This is SILLY.

Next day he went again to the sea. The whale came and cast Trembling on shore again. She asked the boy, "Did you tell the master what I told you to tell him?" "I did not," said he; "I forgot." "How did you forget?" asked she. "The woman of the house gave me a drink that made me forget." "Well, don't forget telling him this night; and if she gives you a drink, don't take it from her."

Really, they have charmingly candid conversations in this story.

As soon as the cowboy came home, the eldest sister offered him a drink. He refused to take it till he had delivered his message and told all to the master.

Might I point out the Prince is still with the woman he knows isn't his wife, a cowboy still lives with a prince, and the eldest sister is still the worst and most incompetant murderous sibling in the history of fairytales.

The third day the prince went down with his gun and a silver bullet in it. He was not long down when the whale came and threw Trembling upon the beach as the two days before. She had no power to speak to her husband till he had killed the whale. Then the whale went out, turned over once on the broad of his back, and showed the spot for a moment only. That moment the prince fired. He had but the one chance, and a short one at that; but he took it, and hit the spot, and the whale, mad with pain, made the sea all around red with blood, and died.

Convenient.

That minute Trembling was able to speak, and went home with her husband, who sent word to her father what the eldest sister had done. The father came, and told him any death he chose to give her to give it. The prince told the father he would leave her life and death with himself. The father had her put out then on the sea in a barrel, with provisions in it for seven years.

whoah.

No.

Wait.

Seven years?

In a barrel?

SEVEN years of provisions?

In a BARREL?

I give up. Fairytales have no concept of physics. Have you SEEN a barrel? A barrel cannot hold seven years of provisions!

In time Trembling had a second child, a daughter. The prince and she sent the cowboy to school, and trained him up as one of their own children, and said, "If the little girl that is born to us now lives, no other man in the world will get her but him." The cowboy and the prince's daughter lived on till they were married.

That's kind of cute. I guess.

The mother said to her husband, "You could not have saved me from the whale but for the little cowboy; on that account I don't grudge him my daughter." The son of the king of Omanya and Trembling had fourteen children, and they lived happily till the two died of old age.

Really, poor Fair. She was obviously mad with the grief of losing her beau, considering her incapable murder plot. Oh NO! She pushed me into the SEA! I will die!

Trembling, your ankles are wet. Unless you're the Wicked Witch of the West, I think you'll survive.