Oh for heavens...
This is the third time I have tried to write this post now. My blog thinks Faithful John is far far too ridiculous to post in this category obviously. Anyway, typically I will be posting these categories separately, but John dear is proving such a splendid illustration that here is an introduction to all three.
Idiot Prizes:
This prize is going to Prince Fred. Maude got a name, after all. So - yes. Prince Fred. Who is, I think, probably schizophrenic.
Let me put that in perspective.
Fred: I must go into this room which is probably deadly to my health... oh my goodness gracious me, my golly gosh, my blinking bounding blueberries! This picture! I must faint, it is so lovely! I have no doubt the real person this must be of because it could not be imagined at all is no doubt exactly like this picture! I love her and I hear voices from the picture telling me to go and find her! *exit.... on ship with gold!*
Fred: *later* Oh my statue... I must keep you in my rooms for years and talk to you about all my problems... no one must know I do this except Maude. Everyone else is plotting against me but my faithful John, my very very fait.... What's that, Statue? You want me to cut the heads off my children???
Yes, Fred. Yes. Endanger your kingdom's ruling line AND listen to inanimate objects!
Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:
There are a lot of possibilities here, but I gotta say, my favorite is the horse.
Yes, the horse.
That horse turns up out of nowhere with full intent of assassinating a king... a regicidal revolutionary socialistic horse which carried a pistol in it's saddle-bag, no doubt just in case throwing the king off his back didn't get the job done! I want to know more about the horse.
How Disturbing Is That??:
You have to ask? The King kills his children!!! And the children don't seem bothered by it! No 'Hey, daddy killed us, maybe he doesn't love us anymore!' no 'why are our clothes all dirty?' just happily run off playing again with no noticeable trauma...
And the children listening to the tale make mental notes to run away should their father's best friend turn to stone or die.
Not to mention the slaughtering of a horse. Think, John. Think about the young girls in the audience. You just shot Black Beauty. You cut the throat of Flicka. You murdered a My Little Pony. Shame.
Actually - as a side note of interest - in other versions of the tale the three traps are set up by Maude's furious magician father, who also tells Maude and Fred how to restore John. I have to say I prefer this, as it portrays the faithful and kind servant in a much less bloodthirsty light, and actually gives a reason for the random traps. The father afterwards explains this was to 1. punish John for stealing his daughter away; 2. punish Fred for stealing his daughter away by forcing him to live with the knowledge that he killed his friend and 3. punish his daughter for breaking his heart by showing her how hard it is to lose your children.
He also brings the children back to life, so we have no creepy demonic-powers John.
On the other hand, instead of sucking out blood, the last task is frequently to hide behind the bed of the king over his wedding night so that he can fight off a dragon who will appear in the middle of the night.
Yes.
Ew.
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