And so the saga of the tactless prince and somnumbulant king continues!
The Story Part 2
See part one for all previous. Quick recap: Fair, Brown and Trembling are Irish princesses, somehow Fair and Brown treat Trembling as a Cinderella but she has a kickass Henwife who gives her magic gowns for church and now Fair's beau and all the princes of the world are looking for her. Sweet?
"Is there any other young woman in the house?" asked the prince.
....DUDE. You do NOT stand in front of the girl you were going out with and ask if there are ANY OTHER GIRLS!!! There has to be a Prince Tact Training School he flunked out of somewhere surely.
"There is," said Trembling, speaking up in the closet; "I'm here."
"Oh! we have her for nothing but to put out the ashes," said the sisters.
<.< >.> Which we keep in the closet. No reason. This is not the girl you're looking for. Move along.
But the prince and the others wouldn't leave the house till they had seen her; so the two sisters had to open the door. When Trembling came out, the shoe was given to her, and it fitted exactly.
The prince of Omanya looked at her and said, "You are the woman the shoe fits, and you are the woman I took the shoe from."
Then Trembling spoke up, and said, "Do stay here till I return."
Then she went to the henwife's house. The old woman put on the cloak of darkness, got everything for her she had the first Sunday at church, and put her on the white mare in the same fashion. Then Trembling rode along the highway to the front of the house. All who saw her the first time said, "This is the lady we saw at church."
If they were outside the front of the house, how did they hear the voice in the cupboard? If they weren't out the outside of the house, how did they see her riding by? Why does the king live in a house and not a castle? I am so confused.
Then she went away a second time, and a second time came back on the black mare in the second dress which the henwife gave her. All who saw her the second Sunday said, "That is the lady we saw at church."
Where have the horses been all this time? I mean - that third horse is pretty recognisable. No one rode by a field and went - oh... there's a white and blue horse with diamond-shaped gold spots, maybe that weird girl from church is around here somewhere!! Maybe this blue/white/gold horse is an archaic Irish breed which has since died out because the leather was very popular?
A third time she asked for a short absence, and soon came back on the third mare and in the third dress. All who saw her the third time said, "That is the lady we saw at church." Every man was satisfied, and knew that she was the woman.
...they had to see all three dressed to be sure. Yeah. They're kind of slow and the Henwife had better be being paid overtime.
Then all the princes and great men spoke up, and said to the son of the king of Omanya, "You'll have to fight now for her before we let her go with you."
"I'm here before you, ready for combat," answered the prince.
Then the son of the king of Lochlin stepped forth.
Lochlin would be probably a Viking. From my Urban Dictionary research.
The struggle began, and a terrible struggle it was. They fought for nine hours; and then the son of the king of Lochlin stopped, gave up his claim, and left the field.
Very dedicated. Didn't even fight to the death. Pfft.
Next day the son of the king of Spain fought six hours, and yielded his claim. On the third day the son of the king of Nyerf— fought eight hours, and stopped.
No idea where Nyerf is. Imagine. I'm a Nyerfite. I speak Nyerfese. We come from Nyerf. We start every word with Ny so really we're from Erf. Or Earth. It's like a colloquial term for egomaniacs. We believe we are the world.
The fourth day the son of the king of Greece fought six hours, and stopped. On the fifth day no more strange princes wanted to fight; and all the sons of kings in Erin said they would not fight with a man of their own land, that the strangers had had their chance, and as no others came to claim the woman, she belonged of right to the son of the king of Omanya.
So of all the kings and princes of all the world... ALL of them... only five fought? And then the Erin rulers were like - yeah, Omanya's bewilderingly still a-okay and fighting fit after five days of heavy combat, so... we're not messing with him. Because he's the hero and will kick our... um... he's a brother. Yeah. Brother.
The marriage day was fixed, and the invitations were sent out. The wedding lasted for a year and a day.
It lasted for HOW long?? Think about that, the guests practically had to MOVE to Ireland so they could attend! Didn't the wedding dress get dirty? Oh no, I'm sorry, I forgot she has a Henwife and can just get a new one when she wants! Did the ceremonies last that long? How many times did they say 'I do' and for the love of all the little froggies in the pond, WHO WAS RULING? WHO??
When the wedding was over, the king's son brought home the bride, and when the time came a son was born. The young woman sent for her eldest sister, Fair, to be with her and care for her.
Because that's not awkward at all. I can see Trembling went to the same Tact school as her husband.
One day, when Trembling was well, and when her husband was away hunting, the two sisters went out to walk; and when they came to the seaside, the eldest pushed the youngest sister in. A great whale came and swallowed her.
Hold the phone. Literalist Problem alert. They were walking on the seaside... Fair pushes Trembling in, and there's a WHALE that close to shore? A whale which is big enough to swallow a person? One not brought there by divine intervention? Is she Jonah? Does she have a ministry somewhere she is neglecting? What IS this? WHY is there a convenient WHALE...
Oh.
Henwife.
Gotcha. It's red with white polka-dots, isn't it.
The eldest sister came home alone, and the husband asked, "Where is your sister?" "She has gone home to her father in Ballyshannon; now that I am well, I don't need her." "Well," said the husband, looking at her, "I'm in dread it's my wife that has gone." "Oh! no," said she; "it's my sister Fair that's gone." Since the sisters were very much alike, the prince was in doubt.
Very much alike, but he had to leave the elder for the younger because he really liked her shoes. Wait... this prince is surprisingly interested in fashion really, isn't he? I love also how he basically calls her on it, and she just has to say 'No, I'm me' for him to be calmed down.
That night he put his sword between them, and said, "If you are my wife, this sword will get warm; if not, it will stay cold." In the morning when he rose up, the sword was as cold as when he put it there.
And he leaped out of bed and demanded 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY WIFE, WITCH...
It happened when the two sisters were walking by the seashore, that a little cowboy was down by the water minding cattle, and saw Fair push Trembling into the sea; and next day, when the tide came in, he saw the whale swim up and throw her out on the sand.
...wait... why didn't the Prince... I mean magic sword staying cold, not his wife and... and that's it? He's just okay with it? Oh I forgot. They look alike, he's been in love with both of them, who really cares, right?
When she was on the sand she said to the cowboy, "When you go home in the evening with the cows, tell the master that my sister Fair pushed me into the sea yesterday; that a whale swallowed me, and then threw me out, but will come again and swallow me with the coming of the next tide; then he'll go out with the tide, and come again with tomorrow's tide, and throw me again on the strand. The whale will cast me out thee times. I'm under the enchantment of this whale, and cannot leave the beach or escape myself.
How convenient. Whales have magic spells to keep princesses on the beach. See? It IS the beach. Even worse. I thought it was like a cliff Fair threw Trembling off. But it's the beach. HOW was that going to do ANYTHING, Fair? YOU SUCK AS A MURDEROUS SISTER. She would get _wet_. It's _shallow_.
Unless my husband saves me before I'm swallowed the fourth time, I shall be lost. He must come and shoot the whale with a silver bullet when he turns on the broad of his back. Under the breast fin of the whale is a reddish-brown spot. My husband must hit him in that spot, for it is the only place in which he can be killed."
...someone please call Greenpeace.
When the cowboy got home, the eldest sister gave him a draught of oblivion, and he did not tell.
How did Fair know? How? It doesn't say he told her. WHY would he do that? and if she knows he saw her push Trembling, why wait a whole day to wipe his mind? This is SILLY.
Next day he went again to the sea. The whale came and cast Trembling on shore again. She asked the boy, "Did you tell the master what I told you to tell him?" "I did not," said he; "I forgot." "How did you forget?" asked she. "The woman of the house gave me a drink that made me forget." "Well, don't forget telling him this night; and if she gives you a drink, don't take it from her."
Really, they have charmingly candid conversations in this story.
As soon as the cowboy came home, the eldest sister offered him a drink. He refused to take it till he had delivered his message and told all to the master.
Might I point out the Prince is still with the woman he knows isn't his wife, a cowboy still lives with a prince, and the eldest sister is still the worst and most incompetant murderous sibling in the history of fairytales.
The third day the prince went down with his gun and a silver bullet in it. He was not long down when the whale came and threw Trembling upon the beach as the two days before. She had no power to speak to her husband till he had killed the whale. Then the whale went out, turned over once on the broad of his back, and showed the spot for a moment only. That moment the prince fired. He had but the one chance, and a short one at that; but he took it, and hit the spot, and the whale, mad with pain, made the sea all around red with blood, and died.
Convenient.
That minute Trembling was able to speak, and went home with her husband, who sent word to her father what the eldest sister had done. The father came, and told him any death he chose to give her to give it. The prince told the father he would leave her life and death with himself. The father had her put out then on the sea in a barrel, with provisions in it for seven years.
whoah.
No.
Wait.
Seven years?
In a barrel?
SEVEN years of provisions?
In a BARREL?
I give up. Fairytales have no concept of physics. Have you SEEN a barrel? A barrel cannot hold seven years of provisions!
In time Trembling had a second child, a daughter. The prince and she sent the cowboy to school, and trained him up as one of their own children, and said, "If the little girl that is born to us now lives, no other man in the world will get her but him." The cowboy and the prince's daughter lived on till they were married.
That's kind of cute. I guess.
The mother said to her husband, "You could not have saved me from the whale but for the little cowboy; on that account I don't grudge him my daughter." The son of the king of Omanya and Trembling had fourteen children, and they lived happily till the two died of old age.
Really, poor Fair. She was obviously mad with the grief of losing her beau, considering her incapable murder plot. Oh NO! She pushed me into the SEA! I will die!
Trembling, your ankles are wet. Unless you're the Wicked Witch of the West, I think you'll survive.
Sunday 20 November 2011
Fairytale Review #3 Fair, Brown and Trembling
Okay, so I was going to methodically work my way through my Grimms book of tales, but I decided that was really just to constraining. And I was looking up this fairy tale for reference for the web-comic I'm working on with my sister-in-law Alina, as I used Trembling and Pale (Fair) as names for Beauty's sisters. Upon reading the story I realised that it very very badly needed to be on my blog, and so here goes!
Fair Brown and Trembling is a Cinderella-type story from Ireland. The version I have here was collected by Joseph Jacobs, and it's ATT 510A - Persecuted Heroine, and is one of the most freakishly ridiculous versions of this type I have ever read. I got the text from the ever amazing SurLaLune website.
Watch and see:
The Story
KING Aedh Cœrucha lived in Tir Conal, and he had three daughters, whose names were Fair, Brown, and Trembling.
King Aedh is never mentioned again. Why we are so specific about who he is when he appears in only the first sentence I don't know, but it might be a similar reason as to why Hugo spent 80 pages of Les Miserables on the Bishop of Digne when said Bishop was destined to hand over silver and die shortly afterwards, never to reappear.
Fair and Brown had new dresses, and went to church every Sunday. Trembling was kept at home to do the cooking and work. They would not let her go out of the house at all; for she was more beautiful than the other two, and they were in dread she might marry before themselves.
Two points here. Two Literalist Problems. #1 - They're a royal family and they have no servants, instead they get one of the royal princesses to do all the work and their father doesn't give a damn.
#2 - Unlike in most stories of this type (One Eye, Two Eyes and Three Eyes, etc) the names mean absolutely nothing. Here is an exception to the Name rule. Fair isn't all that fair, Brown isn't brown as far as the story goes, and Trembling doesn't seem to do much in the way of - well - shaking. So WHY did a King with a perfectly good Celtic name call his kids such odd names?
They carried on in this way for seven years. At the end of seven years the son of the king of Omanya fell in love with the eldest sister.
That's right folks, Daddy dearest took no interest in the enslavement of his daughter for not a week, not a few months, but seven years.
One Sunday morning, after the other two had gone to church, the old henwife came into the kitchen to Trembling, and said, "It's at church you ought to be this day, instead of working here at home."
It took her seven years to come to this startling conclusion.
"How could I go?" said Trembling. "I have no clothes good enough to wear at church; and if my sisters were to see me there, they'd kill me for going out of the house."
"I'll give you," said the henwife, "a finer dress than either of them has ever seen. And now tell me what dress will you have?"
"I'll have," said Trembling, "a dress as white as snow, and green shoes for my feet."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, clipped a piece from the old clothes the young woman had on, and asked for the whitest robes in the world and the most beautiful that could be found, and a pair of green shoes.
That cloak of darkness the henwife has? Never ever explained. How did a Henwife have a cloak of darkness that gives you anything you want? Why hasn't she used it before to either help Trembling or... I don't know... Not Be A Henwife Anymore? Does she have an affinity for egg-laying birds?
That moment she had the robe and the shoes, and she brought them to Trembling, who put them on.
How - did the Cloak of Darkness know Trembling's size?
When Trembling was dressed and ready, the henwife said, "I have a honey-bird here to sit on your right shoulder, and a honey-finger to put on your left. At the door stands a milk-white mare, with a golden saddle for you to sit on, and a golden bridle to hold in your hand."
I really want to know what a honey-finger is. And how it stays on your shoulder because I'm imagining a biscuit of some kind, and that would fall off. (For my American readers: A biscuit in New Zealand is a cookie.) Okay I googled it and surprisingly someone asked that question on Yahoo Answers. Referenced this fairytale and all. The replies varied between 'That sounds dirty' and 'It's an instrument used to get honey out of a jar'. No comment on the first (People. It's a FAIRY tale. PG. PG. PG!!!) As for the second, I'm thinking that's not likely. It would a. fall off and b. look really awfully comical.
Trembling sat on the golden saddle; and when she was ready to start, the henwife said, "You must not go inside the door of the church, and the minute the people rise up at the end of mass, do you make off, and ride home as fast as the mare will carry you."
Here's a tip, readers. Usually in a fairytale when a person giving you something warns you n ot to go in a church and/or pray, this is not a good sign. Usually. Jus' saying.
When Trembling came to the door of the church there was no one inside who could get a glimpse of her but was striving to know who she was; and when they saw her hurrying away at the end of mass, they ran out to overtake her. But no use in their running; she was away before any man could come near her. From the minute she left the church till she got home, she overtook the wind before her, and outstripped the wind behind.
She came down at the door, went in, and found the henwife had dinner ready. She put off the white robes, and had on her old dress in a twinkling.
Literalist Problem #3: Whatever do they do with these damn dresses? It seems like after a few ATT510A stories, there would be a wardrobe of impossibly beautiful worn-only-once-by-princess-married-to-crown-prince-now-because-of-improbable-shoe dresses on sale.
When the two sisters came home the henwife asked, "Have you any news today from the church?"
"We have great news," said they. "We saw a wonderful, grand lady at the church door. The like of the robes she had we have never seen on woman before. It's little that was thought of our dresses beside what she had on; and there wasn't a man at the church, from the king to the beggar, but was trying to look at her and know who she was."
The sisters would give no peace till they had two dresses like the robes of the strange lady; but honey-birds and honey-fingers were not to be found.
Here's why I don't think a honey-finger is baking or they spoon-like implement used for removing honey from a jar. Logically, my darling readers, is it likely they wouldn't be able to find either of those?
Next Sunday the two sisters went to church again, and left the youngest at home to cook the dinner.
After they had gone, the henwife came in and asked, "Will you go to church today?"
"I would go," said Trembling, "if I could get the going."
I also find it odd how these heroines never really seem to catch on that their godmother/henwife figures are indeed going to help them get the dress, shoes, horse/carriage and prince. It's always the same reply: Are you going to the ball? No, no, I don't have a dress! ....Cinders. I gave you one for the last ball and the one before that, have you actually... you know... figured it out that I'm here to help yet?
"What robe will you wear?" asked the henwife.
"The finest black satin that can be found, and red shoes for my feet."
"What color do you want the mare to be?"
"I want her to be so black and so glossy that I can see myself in her body."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, and asked for the robes and the mare. That moment she had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left. The saddle on the mare was silver, and so was the bridle.
See? The cloak of darkness makes HORSES. WHY is this woman a Henwife??
When Trembling sat in the saddle and was going away, the henwife ordered her strictly not to go inside the door of the church, but to rush away as soon as the people rose at the end of mass, and hurry home on the mare before any man could stop her.
That Sunday the people were more astonished than ever, and gazed at her more than the first time; and all they were thinking of was to know who she was. But they had no chance; for the moment the people rose at the end of mass she slipped from the church, was in the silver saddle, and home before a man could stop her or talk to her.
Also the people of the town seem a little dim in that each time she shows up they don't seem to expect it. You'd think by now everyone would be looking at each other and nodding sagely and the old men would be tapping out their pipes, spitting tobacco and going 'Eeeeh, she'll be back twa more times, lads, twa more, 'n then she'll lose a bloody shoe, an' there's no stoppin' eet....'
The henwife had the dinner ready. Trembling took off her satin robe, and had on her old clothes before her sisters got home.
"What news have you today?" asked the henwife of the sisters when they came from the church.
"Oh, we saw the grand strange lady again! And it's little that any man could think of our dresses after looking at the robes of satin that she had on! And all at church, from high to low, had their mouths open, gazing at her, and no man was looking at us."
The two sisters gave neither rest nor peace till they got dresses as nearly like the strange lady's robes as they could find. Of course they were not so good; for the like of those robes could not be found in Erin.
Since, naturally, the Cloak Of Darkness had cornered the market on high fashion in the country. No one would sell through anything else. It put a pinch on the dressmakers and tailors, but what can you do? A cartel is a cartel.
When the third Sunday came, Fair and Brown went to church dressed in black satin. They left Trembling at home to work in the kitchen, and told her to be sure and have dinner ready when they came back.
After they had gone and were out of sight, the henwife came to the kitchen and said, "Well, my dear, are you for church today?"
"I would go if I had a new dress to wear."
"I'll get you any dress you ask for. What dress would you like?" asked the henwife.
You can hear the sigh of impatience there. I bet she sounded out each word carefully so Trembling could understand the import.
"A dress red as a rose from the waist down, and white as snow from the waist up; a cape of green on my shoulders; and a hat on my head with a red, a white, and a green feather in it; and shoes for my feet with the toes red, the middle white, and the backs and heels green."
....
........
Huh???
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, wished for all these things, and had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left, and placing the hat on her head, clipped a few hairs from one lock and a few from another with her scissors, and that moment the most beautiful golden hair was flowing down over the girl's shoulders.
What kind of hair did she have before?? She was the prettiest, right? In fairy-tales that means 'Fair, golden-hair, blue eyes and a size too small for any human woman'. So how come she didn't always have long golden tresses the colour of molten sunshine?
Then the henwife asked what kind of a mare she would ride. She said white, with blue and gold-colored diamond-shaped spots all over her body, on her back a saddle of gold, and on her head a golden bridle.
...see now Trembling is just testing the henwife and her cloak.
The mare stood there before the door, and a bird sitting between her ears, which began to sing as soon as Trembling was in the saddle, and never stopped till she came home from the church.
I don't know about you, but I'd find that annoying. And you see... all those birds, the Henwife is obviously a Henwife because she is an avid ornithologist.
The fame of the beautiful strange lady had gone out through the world, and all the princes and great men that were in it came to church that Sunday, each one hoping that it was himself would have her home with him after mass.
Okay. I have a literalist issue with this. It's been what, three weeks? And... in three weeks time the message of a pretty lady at a church went out around the WHOLE world and was SO fascinating that all the grand men TELEPORTED to Erin? Or possibly swooped in on their flying carpets or enchanted horses because let's face it HOW else did they get there so fast? And who was rulign all the countries while they were sightseeing foreign beauties?
Priorities people.
Priorities.
The son of the king of Omanya forgot all about the eldest sister, and remained outside the church, so as to catch the strange lady before she could hurry away.
That. Is. Just. Mean. I mean she has every prince in the world there and she HAS to have the guy who was courting her sister? WHY? Poor Fair!
And Trembling wonders why her sisters kept her at home.
The church was more crowded than ever before, and there were three times as many outside. There was such a throng before the church that Trembling could only come inside the gate.
As soon as the people were rising at the end of mass, the lady slipped out through the gate, was in the golden saddle in an instant, and sweeping away ahead of the wind. But if she was, the prince of Omanya was at her side, and, seizing her by the foot, he ran with the mare for thirty perches, and never let go of the beautiful lady till the shoe was pulled from her foot, and he was left behind with it in his had. She came home as fast as the mare could carry her, and was thinking all the time that the henwife would kill her for losing the shoe.
Foolish child. She can get another one with her Cloak of Darkess, why should she care?
Seeing her so vexed and so changed in the face, the old woman asked, "What's the trouble that's on you now?"
"Oh! I've lost one of the shoes off my feet," said Trembling.
"Don't mind that; don't be vexed," said the henwife; "maybe it's the best thing that ever happened to you."
FORESHADOWING.
Then Trembling gave up all the things she had to the henwife, put on her old clothes, and went to work in the kitchen. When the sisters came home, the henwife asked, "Have you any news from the church?"
"We have indeed," said they; "for we saw the grandest sight today. The strange lady came again, in grander array than before. On herself and the horse she rode were the finest colors of the world, and between the ears of the horse was a bird which never stopped singing from the time she came till she went away. The lady herself is the most beautiful woman ever seen by man in Erin."
...but that bird was the most annoying thing heard in Erin and we all took pot-shots at it with our hymnals.
After Trembling had disappeared from the church, the son of the king of Omanya said to the other kings' sons, "I will have that lady for my own."
They all said, "You didn't win her just by taking the shoe off her foot, you'll have to win her by the point of the sword; you'll have to fight for her with us before you can call her your own."
"Well," said the son of the king of Omanya, "when I find the lady that shoe will fit, I'll fight for her, never fear, before I leave her to any of you."
Okay. So instead of staying with the lady he actually knew, knew the name of, and was courting, instead of staying faithful and true - he decides to run off after a girl he'd seen maybe twice and knew nothing about. Heavens. What a catch.
Then all the kings' sons were uneasy, and anxious to know who was she that lost the shoe; and they began to travel all over Erin to know could they find her. The prince of Omanya and all the others went in a great company together, and made the round of Erin; they went everywhere -- north, south, east, and west. They visited every place where a woman was to be found, and left not a house in the kingdom they did not search, to know could they find the woman the shoe would fit, not caring whether she was rich or poor, of high or low degree.
But they left the king's castle to last firstly because they didn't want to interrupt his 7-year long after-dinner nap, and secondly becuse Omanya-Jerkface was a little embarrassed to go to his girlfriend's house and ask if she had any other women about the place whom he might man-handle a shoe onto and marry. Hey even he has a little tact!
The prince of Omanya always kept the shoe; and when the young women saw it, they had great hopes, for it was of proper size, neither large nor small, and it would beat any man to know of what material it was made. One thought it would fit her if she cut a little from her great toe; and another, with too short a foot, put something in the tip of her stocking. But no use, they only spoiled their feet, and were curing them for months afterwards.
....imagine the state of the shoe.
The two sisters, Fair and Brown, heard that the princes of the world were looking all over Erin for the woman that could wear the shoe, and every day they were talking of trying it on; and one day Trembling spoke up and said, "Maybe it's my foot that the shoe will fit."
How long did this take? Why didn't Trembling just go to them and say 'It's mine'? Why is Fair so blase about her fiance/lover searching about for another girl?
"Oh, the breaking of the dog's foot on you! Why say so when you were at home every Sunday?"
Two points. 1. You know it's not your shoe so why shouldn't Trembling also speculate that it might fit her foot? Theoretically it might fit anyone's foot. 2. ....the... breaking of a....
I'm going to use that.
Next time someone bumps into me on the street, I'll turn and shout 'THE BREAKING OF A DOG'S FOOT ON YOU!'
I may throw in a 'Sirrah'.
They were that way waiting, and scolding the younger sister, till the princes were near the place. The day they were to come, the sisters put Trembling in a closet, and locked the door on her. When the company came to the house, the prince of Omanya gave the shoe to the sisters. But though they tried and tried, it would fit neither of them.
I take it back. He has no tact at all.
And since the story goes on for quite a while, we will make this Part One and continue next time!
Fair Brown and Trembling is a Cinderella-type story from Ireland. The version I have here was collected by Joseph Jacobs, and it's ATT 510A - Persecuted Heroine, and is one of the most freakishly ridiculous versions of this type I have ever read. I got the text from the ever amazing SurLaLune website.
Watch and see:
The Story
KING Aedh Cœrucha lived in Tir Conal, and he had three daughters, whose names were Fair, Brown, and Trembling.
King Aedh is never mentioned again. Why we are so specific about who he is when he appears in only the first sentence I don't know, but it might be a similar reason as to why Hugo spent 80 pages of Les Miserables on the Bishop of Digne when said Bishop was destined to hand over silver and die shortly afterwards, never to reappear.
Fair and Brown had new dresses, and went to church every Sunday. Trembling was kept at home to do the cooking and work. They would not let her go out of the house at all; for she was more beautiful than the other two, and they were in dread she might marry before themselves.
Two points here. Two Literalist Problems. #1 - They're a royal family and they have no servants, instead they get one of the royal princesses to do all the work and their father doesn't give a damn.
#2 - Unlike in most stories of this type (One Eye, Two Eyes and Three Eyes, etc) the names mean absolutely nothing. Here is an exception to the Name rule. Fair isn't all that fair, Brown isn't brown as far as the story goes, and Trembling doesn't seem to do much in the way of - well - shaking. So WHY did a King with a perfectly good Celtic name call his kids such odd names?
They carried on in this way for seven years. At the end of seven years the son of the king of Omanya fell in love with the eldest sister.
That's right folks, Daddy dearest took no interest in the enslavement of his daughter for not a week, not a few months, but seven years.
One Sunday morning, after the other two had gone to church, the old henwife came into the kitchen to Trembling, and said, "It's at church you ought to be this day, instead of working here at home."
It took her seven years to come to this startling conclusion.
"How could I go?" said Trembling. "I have no clothes good enough to wear at church; and if my sisters were to see me there, they'd kill me for going out of the house."
"I'll give you," said the henwife, "a finer dress than either of them has ever seen. And now tell me what dress will you have?"
"I'll have," said Trembling, "a dress as white as snow, and green shoes for my feet."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, clipped a piece from the old clothes the young woman had on, and asked for the whitest robes in the world and the most beautiful that could be found, and a pair of green shoes.
That cloak of darkness the henwife has? Never ever explained. How did a Henwife have a cloak of darkness that gives you anything you want? Why hasn't she used it before to either help Trembling or... I don't know... Not Be A Henwife Anymore? Does she have an affinity for egg-laying birds?
That moment she had the robe and the shoes, and she brought them to Trembling, who put them on.
How - did the Cloak of Darkness know Trembling's size?
When Trembling was dressed and ready, the henwife said, "I have a honey-bird here to sit on your right shoulder, and a honey-finger to put on your left. At the door stands a milk-white mare, with a golden saddle for you to sit on, and a golden bridle to hold in your hand."
I really want to know what a honey-finger is. And how it stays on your shoulder because I'm imagining a biscuit of some kind, and that would fall off. (For my American readers: A biscuit in New Zealand is a cookie.) Okay I googled it and surprisingly someone asked that question on Yahoo Answers. Referenced this fairytale and all. The replies varied between 'That sounds dirty' and 'It's an instrument used to get honey out of a jar'. No comment on the first (People. It's a FAIRY tale. PG. PG. PG!!!) As for the second, I'm thinking that's not likely. It would a. fall off and b. look really awfully comical.
Trembling sat on the golden saddle; and when she was ready to start, the henwife said, "You must not go inside the door of the church, and the minute the people rise up at the end of mass, do you make off, and ride home as fast as the mare will carry you."
Here's a tip, readers. Usually in a fairytale when a person giving you something warns you n ot to go in a church and/or pray, this is not a good sign. Usually. Jus' saying.
When Trembling came to the door of the church there was no one inside who could get a glimpse of her but was striving to know who she was; and when they saw her hurrying away at the end of mass, they ran out to overtake her. But no use in their running; she was away before any man could come near her. From the minute she left the church till she got home, she overtook the wind before her, and outstripped the wind behind.
She came down at the door, went in, and found the henwife had dinner ready. She put off the white robes, and had on her old dress in a twinkling.
Literalist Problem #3: Whatever do they do with these damn dresses? It seems like after a few ATT510A stories, there would be a wardrobe of impossibly beautiful worn-only-once-by-princess-married-to-crown-prince-now-because-of-improbable-shoe dresses on sale.
When the two sisters came home the henwife asked, "Have you any news today from the church?"
"We have great news," said they. "We saw a wonderful, grand lady at the church door. The like of the robes she had we have never seen on woman before. It's little that was thought of our dresses beside what she had on; and there wasn't a man at the church, from the king to the beggar, but was trying to look at her and know who she was."
The sisters would give no peace till they had two dresses like the robes of the strange lady; but honey-birds and honey-fingers were not to be found.
Here's why I don't think a honey-finger is baking or they spoon-like implement used for removing honey from a jar. Logically, my darling readers, is it likely they wouldn't be able to find either of those?
Next Sunday the two sisters went to church again, and left the youngest at home to cook the dinner.
After they had gone, the henwife came in and asked, "Will you go to church today?"
"I would go," said Trembling, "if I could get the going."
I also find it odd how these heroines never really seem to catch on that their godmother/henwife figures are indeed going to help them get the dress, shoes, horse/carriage and prince. It's always the same reply: Are you going to the ball? No, no, I don't have a dress! ....Cinders. I gave you one for the last ball and the one before that, have you actually... you know... figured it out that I'm here to help yet?
"What robe will you wear?" asked the henwife.
"The finest black satin that can be found, and red shoes for my feet."
"What color do you want the mare to be?"
"I want her to be so black and so glossy that I can see myself in her body."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, and asked for the robes and the mare. That moment she had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left. The saddle on the mare was silver, and so was the bridle.
See? The cloak of darkness makes HORSES. WHY is this woman a Henwife??
When Trembling sat in the saddle and was going away, the henwife ordered her strictly not to go inside the door of the church, but to rush away as soon as the people rose at the end of mass, and hurry home on the mare before any man could stop her.
That Sunday the people were more astonished than ever, and gazed at her more than the first time; and all they were thinking of was to know who she was. But they had no chance; for the moment the people rose at the end of mass she slipped from the church, was in the silver saddle, and home before a man could stop her or talk to her.
Also the people of the town seem a little dim in that each time she shows up they don't seem to expect it. You'd think by now everyone would be looking at each other and nodding sagely and the old men would be tapping out their pipes, spitting tobacco and going 'Eeeeh, she'll be back twa more times, lads, twa more, 'n then she'll lose a bloody shoe, an' there's no stoppin' eet....'
The henwife had the dinner ready. Trembling took off her satin robe, and had on her old clothes before her sisters got home.
"What news have you today?" asked the henwife of the sisters when they came from the church.
"Oh, we saw the grand strange lady again! And it's little that any man could think of our dresses after looking at the robes of satin that she had on! And all at church, from high to low, had their mouths open, gazing at her, and no man was looking at us."
The two sisters gave neither rest nor peace till they got dresses as nearly like the strange lady's robes as they could find. Of course they were not so good; for the like of those robes could not be found in Erin.
Since, naturally, the Cloak Of Darkness had cornered the market on high fashion in the country. No one would sell through anything else. It put a pinch on the dressmakers and tailors, but what can you do? A cartel is a cartel.
When the third Sunday came, Fair and Brown went to church dressed in black satin. They left Trembling at home to work in the kitchen, and told her to be sure and have dinner ready when they came back.
After they had gone and were out of sight, the henwife came to the kitchen and said, "Well, my dear, are you for church today?"
"I would go if I had a new dress to wear."
"I'll get you any dress you ask for. What dress would you like?" asked the henwife.
You can hear the sigh of impatience there. I bet she sounded out each word carefully so Trembling could understand the import.
"A dress red as a rose from the waist down, and white as snow from the waist up; a cape of green on my shoulders; and a hat on my head with a red, a white, and a green feather in it; and shoes for my feet with the toes red, the middle white, and the backs and heels green."
....
........
Huh???
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, wished for all these things, and had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left, and placing the hat on her head, clipped a few hairs from one lock and a few from another with her scissors, and that moment the most beautiful golden hair was flowing down over the girl's shoulders.
What kind of hair did she have before?? She was the prettiest, right? In fairy-tales that means 'Fair, golden-hair, blue eyes and a size too small for any human woman'. So how come she didn't always have long golden tresses the colour of molten sunshine?
Then the henwife asked what kind of a mare she would ride. She said white, with blue and gold-colored diamond-shaped spots all over her body, on her back a saddle of gold, and on her head a golden bridle.
...see now Trembling is just testing the henwife and her cloak.
The mare stood there before the door, and a bird sitting between her ears, which began to sing as soon as Trembling was in the saddle, and never stopped till she came home from the church.
I don't know about you, but I'd find that annoying. And you see... all those birds, the Henwife is obviously a Henwife because she is an avid ornithologist.
The fame of the beautiful strange lady had gone out through the world, and all the princes and great men that were in it came to church that Sunday, each one hoping that it was himself would have her home with him after mass.
Okay. I have a literalist issue with this. It's been what, three weeks? And... in three weeks time the message of a pretty lady at a church went out around the WHOLE world and was SO fascinating that all the grand men TELEPORTED to Erin? Or possibly swooped in on their flying carpets or enchanted horses because let's face it HOW else did they get there so fast? And who was rulign all the countries while they were sightseeing foreign beauties?
Priorities people.
Priorities.
The son of the king of Omanya forgot all about the eldest sister, and remained outside the church, so as to catch the strange lady before she could hurry away.
That. Is. Just. Mean. I mean she has every prince in the world there and she HAS to have the guy who was courting her sister? WHY? Poor Fair!
And Trembling wonders why her sisters kept her at home.
The church was more crowded than ever before, and there were three times as many outside. There was such a throng before the church that Trembling could only come inside the gate.
As soon as the people were rising at the end of mass, the lady slipped out through the gate, was in the golden saddle in an instant, and sweeping away ahead of the wind. But if she was, the prince of Omanya was at her side, and, seizing her by the foot, he ran with the mare for thirty perches, and never let go of the beautiful lady till the shoe was pulled from her foot, and he was left behind with it in his had. She came home as fast as the mare could carry her, and was thinking all the time that the henwife would kill her for losing the shoe.
Foolish child. She can get another one with her Cloak of Darkess, why should she care?
Seeing her so vexed and so changed in the face, the old woman asked, "What's the trouble that's on you now?"
"Oh! I've lost one of the shoes off my feet," said Trembling.
"Don't mind that; don't be vexed," said the henwife; "maybe it's the best thing that ever happened to you."
FORESHADOWING.
Then Trembling gave up all the things she had to the henwife, put on her old clothes, and went to work in the kitchen. When the sisters came home, the henwife asked, "Have you any news from the church?"
"We have indeed," said they; "for we saw the grandest sight today. The strange lady came again, in grander array than before. On herself and the horse she rode were the finest colors of the world, and between the ears of the horse was a bird which never stopped singing from the time she came till she went away. The lady herself is the most beautiful woman ever seen by man in Erin."
...but that bird was the most annoying thing heard in Erin and we all took pot-shots at it with our hymnals.
After Trembling had disappeared from the church, the son of the king of Omanya said to the other kings' sons, "I will have that lady for my own."
They all said, "You didn't win her just by taking the shoe off her foot, you'll have to win her by the point of the sword; you'll have to fight for her with us before you can call her your own."
"Well," said the son of the king of Omanya, "when I find the lady that shoe will fit, I'll fight for her, never fear, before I leave her to any of you."
Okay. So instead of staying with the lady he actually knew, knew the name of, and was courting, instead of staying faithful and true - he decides to run off after a girl he'd seen maybe twice and knew nothing about. Heavens. What a catch.
Then all the kings' sons were uneasy, and anxious to know who was she that lost the shoe; and they began to travel all over Erin to know could they find her. The prince of Omanya and all the others went in a great company together, and made the round of Erin; they went everywhere -- north, south, east, and west. They visited every place where a woman was to be found, and left not a house in the kingdom they did not search, to know could they find the woman the shoe would fit, not caring whether she was rich or poor, of high or low degree.
But they left the king's castle to last firstly because they didn't want to interrupt his 7-year long after-dinner nap, and secondly becuse Omanya-Jerkface was a little embarrassed to go to his girlfriend's house and ask if she had any other women about the place whom he might man-handle a shoe onto and marry. Hey even he has a little tact!
The prince of Omanya always kept the shoe; and when the young women saw it, they had great hopes, for it was of proper size, neither large nor small, and it would beat any man to know of what material it was made. One thought it would fit her if she cut a little from her great toe; and another, with too short a foot, put something in the tip of her stocking. But no use, they only spoiled their feet, and were curing them for months afterwards.
....imagine the state of the shoe.
The two sisters, Fair and Brown, heard that the princes of the world were looking all over Erin for the woman that could wear the shoe, and every day they were talking of trying it on; and one day Trembling spoke up and said, "Maybe it's my foot that the shoe will fit."
How long did this take? Why didn't Trembling just go to them and say 'It's mine'? Why is Fair so blase about her fiance/lover searching about for another girl?
"Oh, the breaking of the dog's foot on you! Why say so when you were at home every Sunday?"
Two points. 1. You know it's not your shoe so why shouldn't Trembling also speculate that it might fit her foot? Theoretically it might fit anyone's foot. 2. ....the... breaking of a....
I'm going to use that.
Next time someone bumps into me on the street, I'll turn and shout 'THE BREAKING OF A DOG'S FOOT ON YOU!'
I may throw in a 'Sirrah'.
They were that way waiting, and scolding the younger sister, till the princes were near the place. The day they were to come, the sisters put Trembling in a closet, and locked the door on her. When the company came to the house, the prince of Omanya gave the shoe to the sisters. But though they tried and tried, it would fit neither of them.
I take it back. He has no tact at all.
And since the story goes on for quite a while, we will make this Part One and continue next time!
Thursday 17 November 2011
Interesting Side Characters #2 The Frog King
Or Iron Heinrich.
Yes, people, let us consider Iron Heinrich, surely one of the most random, interesting and mysterious side-characters in the history of fairy-tales. Most side characters have a few strange little bits or pieces about them, or randomly cease to exist when the writer decides there are More Interesting Things Happening Over Here Now and It Is Not Necessary To Tie Off Loose Ends In A Fairy Tale Dammit. But Iron Heinrich?
People.
People.
Here is why Iron Heinrich rocks as a side-character:
1. He only appears in the last paragraph or two of the story and yet was interesting enough for his name to be an alternative title.
2. The man has iron bands around his heart. That is badass.
3. Why did he put those bands around his heart? Because if he hadn't his heart would have exploded. Yeah. That's right. No wussy feelings for Iron Heinrich. He is all man. And all uranium.
4. His loyalty to the Frog King is such that he is apparently stalking him. Note his convenient appearance with convenient coach mere hours after Froggy's tranformation back into a human.
5. Happiness allows him to snap iron with. his. heart. Forget Chuck Norris, Iron Heinrich is five times more powerful!
6. His infinite patience. Despite explaining to Froggy what was going on the first time one of the iron bands snapped, he is willing to explain it twice more just so the prince will finally get the message. He doesn't lose his temper with his stalker of a master, freak out that his stalker of a master has blackmailed a young lady into marrying him, or have any comment on the implausibility of a frog rescuing a GOLD ball from a BOTTOMLESS well. He is a saint.
A saint.
I rest my case.
Yes, people, let us consider Iron Heinrich, surely one of the most random, interesting and mysterious side-characters in the history of fairy-tales. Most side characters have a few strange little bits or pieces about them, or randomly cease to exist when the writer decides there are More Interesting Things Happening Over Here Now and It Is Not Necessary To Tie Off Loose Ends In A Fairy Tale Dammit. But Iron Heinrich?
People.
People.
Here is why Iron Heinrich rocks as a side-character:
1. He only appears in the last paragraph or two of the story and yet was interesting enough for his name to be an alternative title.
2. The man has iron bands around his heart. That is badass.
3. Why did he put those bands around his heart? Because if he hadn't his heart would have exploded. Yeah. That's right. No wussy feelings for Iron Heinrich. He is all man. And all uranium.
4. His loyalty to the Frog King is such that he is apparently stalking him. Note his convenient appearance with convenient coach mere hours after Froggy's tranformation back into a human.
5. Happiness allows him to snap iron with. his. heart. Forget Chuck Norris, Iron Heinrich is five times more powerful!
6. His infinite patience. Despite explaining to Froggy what was going on the first time one of the iron bands snapped, he is willing to explain it twice more just so the prince will finally get the message. He doesn't lose his temper with his stalker of a master, freak out that his stalker of a master has blackmailed a young lady into marrying him, or have any comment on the implausibility of a frog rescuing a GOLD ball from a BOTTOMLESS well. He is a saint.
A saint.
I rest my case.
Thursday 10 November 2011
Survival Guide #2 The Frog King
First off - to all you lovely people out there who may or may not be reading - read Erstwhile . It's my new favorite webcomic, updated three times weekly and illustrating some of the Grimms' less well-known tales. It starts with a deliciously amusing 'The Clever Farmer's Daughter', then there is a short little interlude of a riddle-tale, and at the moment 'Maid Maleen' is being done. The art is fabulous and the retellings are both true to the story and inventive.
Survival Guide - Continued. The Knowing of Animals Part One.
In the land of the fairy tale it is enormously important to know your animals and other creatures. Let us start with amphibians. The Frog and the Toad. If a Toad offers you a favor or hops out of the mouth of your significant other or comes into your bathroom while you are doing your ablutions and sits on your chest - this is not a good thing. Remember herein one important fact, and remember this fact very well: Toads Are Evil.
Always.
Without exception.
However - if a frog offers you a favor, asks for a kiss or requests that you don't kill it - listen because almost 100% of the time, Frogs are enchanted good guys. Good. Right? Got it? Frogs = Good. Toads = Bad.
Let us go over a couple of plausible scenarios:
#1 Your father is trying to decide on an original way to split his property. He gathers you and your siblings together, takes out enough feathers for all of you and instructs you to each follow a feather and where it lands to buy a roll of silk cloth fine enough to thread through the eye of a needle/a dog small enough to sit in the palm of his hand/an honest politician or some other such impossible feat. You are unlucky enough to get the feather that pretty much takes a nose-dive for the ground. As you bemoan your fate, a small frog hops up and offers to help. Do you:
A. Presume that this offer will have some sort of eventual price not unlike the going rate for golden balls and shoo the frog away.
B. Scream and squish it into green Kermit-jelly.
C. Accept the help because firstly, you're the youngest, secondly your feather seems to have doomed you to failure which obviously means you will succeed and lastly it's a talking frog. It's magic.
The correct response is C - accept the help. In this case the frog will answer your every wish until your father requests you to bring him an impossibly talented spouse, at which point the frog itself will show up in a ridiculous carriage, make a fairy laugh and then turn into the prerequisitely gorgeous specimen of humanity all enchanted animals always turn into. While A shows a certain nous for fairy-tale lore, in this case since you're on a quest you should always accept help from animals who offer it. And B? Never harm an animal in a fairy tale unless it's actively trying to eat you. Fairy tales are like the ULTIMATE SPCA environments. People who hurt animals die horrible horrible deaths.
2# You are having your evening bath to relax and soak away the cares of a day of gold spinning/weaving/emroidery or Giant killing. You have recently acquired a new parent of the gentle sex and possibly lost some siblings. While you are bathing, three toads jump in the bath and settle on your skin, do you:
A. Scream and squish them like Mr Toad should have been squished in an automobile accident considering flippers can't manipulate gas pedals.
B. Ignore them, they'll turn into flowers anyway.
C. Ask them for a favour, there's three of them after all.
The correct response is B. The toads are part of an evil spell cast by your step-mother/father in an attempt to rob you of your talents and beauty and steal your inheritance. However, because you are so very very awesome, the toads will turn into roses (or your flower of choice). Option C shows some innovation on your part - as yes, 3 is a magic number in fairy-tales. However toads are evil, so the inherent evil of the animal outweighs the magic of the number. As for A - yes, toads are evil. However please recall that you are not allowed to kill animals in the fairy story. Not even evil ones unless it's a dragon and this is your quest to start with. Small relatively helpless animals should not be slain under any circumstances.
#3. You have a special significant other, but every time she speaks, spiders snakes and toads hop out of her mouth. Do you:
A. Try to find her pretty sister, because she's bound to be spewing gold.
B. Burn her at the stake as a witch.
C. Ask her for her father's magic ring since she's probably related to the king of snakes... or toads... or something...
The correct response is A. Spewing toads or snakes or both is a sign of a black heart, and also a sign that you picked up the wrong daughter. Go looking and you'll find a lovely maiden with a lucrative if rather annoying case of the golden hiccups. B is a rather harsh response and could push you into villain status, always rather dangerous in a fairytale. C only works if the woman has shed a snake skin. If there are toads involved, it never works at all. Toads are always bad. Remember this.
Mark your answers and remember the tips! Toads = bad, frogs = good.
Survival Guide - Continued. The Knowing of Animals Part One.
In the land of the fairy tale it is enormously important to know your animals and other creatures. Let us start with amphibians. The Frog and the Toad. If a Toad offers you a favor or hops out of the mouth of your significant other or comes into your bathroom while you are doing your ablutions and sits on your chest - this is not a good thing. Remember herein one important fact, and remember this fact very well: Toads Are Evil.
Always.
Without exception.
However - if a frog offers you a favor, asks for a kiss or requests that you don't kill it - listen because almost 100% of the time, Frogs are enchanted good guys. Good. Right? Got it? Frogs = Good. Toads = Bad.
Let us go over a couple of plausible scenarios:
#1 Your father is trying to decide on an original way to split his property. He gathers you and your siblings together, takes out enough feathers for all of you and instructs you to each follow a feather and where it lands to buy a roll of silk cloth fine enough to thread through the eye of a needle/a dog small enough to sit in the palm of his hand/an honest politician or some other such impossible feat. You are unlucky enough to get the feather that pretty much takes a nose-dive for the ground. As you bemoan your fate, a small frog hops up and offers to help. Do you:
A. Presume that this offer will have some sort of eventual price not unlike the going rate for golden balls and shoo the frog away.
B. Scream and squish it into green Kermit-jelly.
C. Accept the help because firstly, you're the youngest, secondly your feather seems to have doomed you to failure which obviously means you will succeed and lastly it's a talking frog. It's magic.
The correct response is C - accept the help. In this case the frog will answer your every wish until your father requests you to bring him an impossibly talented spouse, at which point the frog itself will show up in a ridiculous carriage, make a fairy laugh and then turn into the prerequisitely gorgeous specimen of humanity all enchanted animals always turn into. While A shows a certain nous for fairy-tale lore, in this case since you're on a quest you should always accept help from animals who offer it. And B? Never harm an animal in a fairy tale unless it's actively trying to eat you. Fairy tales are like the ULTIMATE SPCA environments. People who hurt animals die horrible horrible deaths.
2# You are having your evening bath to relax and soak away the cares of a day of gold spinning/weaving/emroidery or Giant killing. You have recently acquired a new parent of the gentle sex and possibly lost some siblings. While you are bathing, three toads jump in the bath and settle on your skin, do you:
A. Scream and squish them like Mr Toad should have been squished in an automobile accident considering flippers can't manipulate gas pedals.
B. Ignore them, they'll turn into flowers anyway.
C. Ask them for a favour, there's three of them after all.
The correct response is B. The toads are part of an evil spell cast by your step-mother/father in an attempt to rob you of your talents and beauty and steal your inheritance. However, because you are so very very awesome, the toads will turn into roses (or your flower of choice). Option C shows some innovation on your part - as yes, 3 is a magic number in fairy-tales. However toads are evil, so the inherent evil of the animal outweighs the magic of the number. As for A - yes, toads are evil. However please recall that you are not allowed to kill animals in the fairy story. Not even evil ones unless it's a dragon and this is your quest to start with. Small relatively helpless animals should not be slain under any circumstances.
#3. You have a special significant other, but every time she speaks, spiders snakes and toads hop out of her mouth. Do you:
A. Try to find her pretty sister, because she's bound to be spewing gold.
B. Burn her at the stake as a witch.
C. Ask her for her father's magic ring since she's probably related to the king of snakes... or toads... or something...
The correct response is A. Spewing toads or snakes or both is a sign of a black heart, and also a sign that you picked up the wrong daughter. Go looking and you'll find a lovely maiden with a lucrative if rather annoying case of the golden hiccups. B is a rather harsh response and could push you into villain status, always rather dangerous in a fairytale. C only works if the woman has shed a snake skin. If there are toads involved, it never works at all. Toads are always bad. Remember this.
Mark your answers and remember the tips! Toads = bad, frogs = good.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Coversations #2 The Frog King
Another title for this fairy tale is 'Iron Heinrich' because even the Grimms could see that the most interesting and dynamic character in the whole story was Iron Heinrich at the end with his crazy iron bands.
As a side note, there are a couple more occasional themes I'm going to post about. I want to review movies made based on the story I'm reviewing - in this case most likely the Hallmark 'Frog Prince' and Disney's 'Princess and the Frog'; and I've also been asked to explore the lives of my More Interesting Side Characters, so there will be the occasional drabble or short story about them, their lives, and their motivations. Yes. Including The Horse from Faithful John.
Conversations:
#1:
I imagine this as a conversation happening around the beginning of the story. Scene: Daytime interior castle, King in throne, daughters playing music and doing needlework, enter Princess Jeanie!
Jeanie: Daaad....
King: *clears throat*
Jeanie: Oh. Sorry. Um. Your Majesty...
King: Yes, sunblossom?
Jeanie: Can I sta...
King: _May_, peachgoodness.
Jeanie: _May_ I stay inside and learn the lute today?
King: *puts down paper and takes off reading glasses, replaces these with 'glasses that are so loose I can look over the top of them at you' bought at the very same store Dumbledore shops at* Why applesnap, whatever is the matter with that golden ball I had made especially for you?
Jeanie: *looks at ball* ...it's really heavy, dad... it makes my arms hurt...
King: Builds character.
Jeanie: It's building my triceps too.
King: All princes like their princesses to have a little meat on them, honeysugarpie.
Jeanie: Not when I can armwrestle them, dad.
King: Nonsense! Gold and old wells are the best thing for a gell, it's what my mother swore by. Now go outside and play, you're far too pale.
Jeanie: But...
King: No buts!
#2:
Set shortly after Jeanie and His Frogship drive off in the carriage.
Jeanie: So - um - I've got to marry you now?
Frogship: That's right.
Jeanie: But I don't know you.
Frogship: That really doesn't matter, dear thing, we'll grow to love and adore each other within days.
Jeanie: Days?
Frogship: If not hours, it's how things work.
Jeanie: *pause* What if I say I don't want to marry you?
Frogship: Then I turn back into a frog and live with you the rest of your life anyway! *large white-toothed grin*
Jeanie: *gulp* .......so - about my gown for the wedding....
Poor Jeanie. She should have run off with Henry.
Sunday 6 November 2011
Fairy Tale Review #2 The Frog King, or Iron Heinrich
The Frog King is a supremely well-known tale from Grimms, often included in that select baker's dozen or so that are always presented to children in most simple fairy tale books. Bright colours, Cinderella - Snow White - Pied Piper - Frog Prince. With pretty little princess, golden ball and all. One interesting thing is the 'kiss the frog' moment - which as you will see deviates somewhat from the classic Grimms' tale. Frog King is ATT 440 - The Frog King.
Now everyone knows the basic story, so I shall actually include the full text again. I believe occasionally I will just outline the stories - especially for the significantly long ones. Some from Lang, especially, are hefty hefty things.
The Story:
In olden times when wishing still helped one, there lived a king whose daughters were all beautiful, but the youngest was so beautiful that the sun itself, which has seen so much, was astonished whenever it shone in her face.
The sun here is anthropomorphised. Oddly this isn't unusual in fairy-tales. One could question how the sun could see the princess's face from so far away, but let's take their word for it. She is young and pretty. And the sun was impressed. Lovely thing to put on your resume.
Close by the king's castle lay a great dark forest, and under an old lime-tree in the forest was a well, and when the day was very warm, the king's child went out into the forest and sat down by the side of the cool fountain, and when she was bored she took a golden ball, and threw it up on high and caught it, and this ball was her favorite plaything.
That lime tree? Never appears again. You might think in a fairy-tale that something so specific would mean something, but it doesn't.
Literalist Problem #1: This is a great dark forest in Europe - probably Germany. So the king's daughter is playing alone and unsupervised in a dangerous forest full of wolves no doubt, on the edge of an old well. Did I mention alone?? Alone. Yes. That's bound to happen in royal families. Children are positively encouraged to seek out the most potentially-deadly places for their prospective playtime. There's even a test and check-list.
Now it so happened that on one occasion the princess's golden ball did not fall into the little hand which she was holding up for it, but on to the ground beyond, and rolled straight into the water. The king's daughter followed it with her eyes, but it vanished, and the well was deep, so deep that the bottom could not be seen.
BUT NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL!
At this she began to cry, and cried louder and louder, and could not be comforted.
Who would comfort her? She's alone! Or did the sun try?
And as she thus lamented someone said to her, "What ails you, king's daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity."
She looked round to the side from whence the voice came, and saw a frog stretching forth its big, ugly head from the water.
"Ah, old water-splasher, is it you," she said, "I am weeping for my golden ball, which has fallen into the well."
Note this. Not only is she not surprised to hear a frog talk suddenly, she also seems to actually know the frog. So possibly they have talked before. Maybe the Frog King has been trying to court her all this time and we never knew. And he got impatient and tired of being green and webby and so decided to steal her gold ball in a reverse of Artemis's race to get her to pay attention.
"Be quiet, and do not weep," answered the frog, "I can help you, but what will you give me if I bring your plaything up again?"
"Whatever you will have, dear frog," said she, "My clothes, my pearls and jewels, and even the golden crown which I am wearing."
The frog answered, "I do not care for your clothes, your pearls and jewels, nor for your golden crown, but if you will love me and let me be your companion and play-fellow, and sit by you at your little table, and eat off your little golden plate, and drink out of your little cup, and sleep in your little bed - if you will promise me this I will go down below, and bring you your golden ball up again."
Note first how fast he went from 'old water splasher' to 'dear frog'. I wonder if Jeanie (she needs a name, all right???) talks to everyone like this? 'Hello there old faded hair-snipper...' *insert offer of magical haircut* 'Dear dear sweet hairdresser!!!!'...
Secondly I love how logical the frog is in response to Jeanie's idiotic offer. Can you imagine a frog in a well wearing a dress? And exactly what was Jeanie going to wear on her walk back to the castle? Had she considered the scandal? The way the servants would talk?
Thirdly... the frog is creepy. Think about it. He's got a girl on her own, he's holding her hostage for a toy - a toy - and he wants her to promise to love and cherish him in return for the toy. This is very creepy. And inappropriate.
"Oh yes," said she, "I promise you all you wish, if you will but bring me my ball back again." But she thought, "How the silly frog does talk. All he does is to sit in the water with the other frogs, and croak. He can be no companion to any human being."
Technically he's not just croaking. He's talking to you, Jeanie, dear.
But the frog when he had received this promise, put his head into the water and sank down; and in a short while came swimmming up again with the ball in his mouth, and threw it on the grass. The king's daughter was delighted to see her pretty plaything once more, and picked it up, and ran away with it.
"Wait, wait," said the frog. "Take me with you. I can't run as you can." But what did it avail him to scream his croak, croak, after her, as loudly as he could. She did not listen to it, but ran home and soon forgot the poor frog, who was forced to go back into his well again.
You know - I can understand her reasoning. Think about it. A creepy dude has your cellphone. He says (in a dark alley far from any help) I'll give it back if you promise to take me home with you and make me your closest companion. Do you a. Say 'no' and run away without your cellphone; b. agree and keep your promise or c. agree and then run away as fast as you can once you have your cellphone back?
Literalist Problem #2: How big is that frog that he can carry a golden ball in his mouth? What is it with fairy-tales and their underestimation of how heavy gold is??
The next day when she had seated herself at table with the king and all the courtiers, and was eating from her little golden plate,
Is she related to Maude? (See Review #1) Are princesses genetically predisposed to adore gold?
something came creeping splish splash, splish splash, up the marble staircase, and when it had got to the top, it knocked at the door and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
She ran to see who was outside, but when she opened the door, there sat the frog in front of it.
Literalist Problem #3: Why is it creeping and not hopping? Why, on top of this, is it splashing when presumably it had to walk over dry ground to get to the castle from the wood? Is it raining outside? If it is loudly splashing outside and croaking, how did Jeanie not know who it was?
Then she slammed the door to, in great haste, sat down to dinner again, and was quite frightened. The king saw plainly that her heart was beating violently, and said, "My child, what are you so afraid of? Is there perchance a giant outside who wants to carry you away?" "Ah, no," replied she. "It is no giant but a disgusting frog."
Every friday is Giant Visitation night. Wednesdays are for random reptiles or amphibians.
"What does a frog want with you?"
"Ah, dear father, yesterday as I was in the forest sitting by the well, playing, my golden ball fell into the water. And because I cried so, the frog brought it out again for me, and because he so insisted, I promised him he should be my companion, but I never thought he would be able to come out of his water. And now he is outside there, and wants to come in to me."
In the meantime it knocked a second time, and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me, do you not know what you said to me yesterday by the cool waters of the well. Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
Then said the king, "That which you have promised must you perform. Go and let him in."
Literalist Problem #4: The king, after hearing this rather unhealthy tale, instead of ordering his guards to shoo away the frog insisting his daughter (talking frog problem aside) make it her companion... insists she actually take in the strange and probably enchanted animal. Who might be a witch or warlock. Or demon. Or be going to eat her or take her to fairyland. Why not at least question the enchanted animal first?
She went and opened the door, and the frog hopped in and followed her, step by step, to her chair. There he sat and cried, "Lift me up beside you." She delayed, until at last the king commanded her to do it. Once the frog was on the chair he wanted to be on the table, and when he was on the table he said, "Now, push your little golden plate nearer to me that we may eat together." She did this, but it was easy to see that she did not do it willingly. The frog enjoyed what he ate, but almost every mouthful she took choked her.
Does this surprise anyone?
At length he said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
The king's daughter began to cry, for she was afraid of the cold frog which she did not like to touch, and which was now to sleep in her pretty, clean little bed.
Um - question? How old is Jeanie? Because she's starting to actually sound very young and that would make this even more creepy.
But the king grew angry and said, "He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you."
Ahem: He who blackmailed you in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you?
So she took hold of the frog with two fingers, carried him upstairs, and put him in a corner, but when she was in bed he crept to her and said, "I am tired, I want to sleep as well as you, lift me up or I will tell your father."
At this she was terribly angry, and took him up and threw him with all her might against the wall.
"Now, will you be quiet, odious frog," said she.
So you see? She didn't kiss him.
But when he fell down he was no frog but a king's son with kind and beautiful eyes. He by her father's will was now her dear companion and husband.
....when.... did they get married???
Literalist Problem #5: I have never ever understood how a crushed and probably horrible maimed frog became a perfectly well prince.
Then he told her how he had been bewitched by a wicked witch, and how no one could have delivered him from the well but herself, and that to-morrow they would go together into his kingdom.
To which she had no choice at all.
Then they went to sleep, and next morning when the sun awoke them, a carriage came driving up with eight white horses, which had white ostrich feathers on their heads, and were harnessed with golden chains, and behind stood the young king's servant Faithful Henry.
See that? That means he is faithful. Seriously.
Faithful Henry had been so unhappy when his master was changed into a frog, that he had caused three iron bands to be laid round his heart, lest it should burst with grief and sadness.
Literalist Problem #6: How - did he - get iron - put round his HEART? Open heart surgery? Why didn't his body reject the foreign object? This is not medically sound!
Please note: My blog does not recommend the application of iron bands to the cariovascular system as a cure for grief.
The carriage was to conduct the young king into his kingdom. Faithful Henry helped them both in, and placed himself behind again, and was full of joy because of this deliverance. And when they had driven a part of the way the king's son heard a cracking behind him as if something had broken. So he turned round and cried, "Henry, the carriage is breaking." "No, master, it is not the carriage. It is a band from my heart, which was put there in my great pain when you were a frog and imprisoned in the well."
Seriously, Henry is pretty fascinating. What was he doing while the King was a frog? Why didn't he help the frog make better friends with the princess and develop a better dating technique? Who put the iron bands there and what is happening to them now that they're snapping?
Again and once again while they were on their way something cracked, and each time the king's son thought the carriage was breaking, but it was only the bands which were springing from the heart of Faithful Henry because his master was set free and was happy.
And the Frog King is not too bright.
In all, the story is actually a little more creepy than you probably realised when you were a child, and that magical and renowned kiss didn't actually happen in the original version. The way to a king's heart is violence and attempted murder. Remember that, ladies.
Now everyone knows the basic story, so I shall actually include the full text again. I believe occasionally I will just outline the stories - especially for the significantly long ones. Some from Lang, especially, are hefty hefty things.
The Story:
In olden times when wishing still helped one, there lived a king whose daughters were all beautiful, but the youngest was so beautiful that the sun itself, which has seen so much, was astonished whenever it shone in her face.
The sun here is anthropomorphised. Oddly this isn't unusual in fairy-tales. One could question how the sun could see the princess's face from so far away, but let's take their word for it. She is young and pretty. And the sun was impressed. Lovely thing to put on your resume.
Close by the king's castle lay a great dark forest, and under an old lime-tree in the forest was a well, and when the day was very warm, the king's child went out into the forest and sat down by the side of the cool fountain, and when she was bored she took a golden ball, and threw it up on high and caught it, and this ball was her favorite plaything.
That lime tree? Never appears again. You might think in a fairy-tale that something so specific would mean something, but it doesn't.
Literalist Problem #1: This is a great dark forest in Europe - probably Germany. So the king's daughter is playing alone and unsupervised in a dangerous forest full of wolves no doubt, on the edge of an old well. Did I mention alone?? Alone. Yes. That's bound to happen in royal families. Children are positively encouraged to seek out the most potentially-deadly places for their prospective playtime. There's even a test and check-list.
Now it so happened that on one occasion the princess's golden ball did not fall into the little hand which she was holding up for it, but on to the ground beyond, and rolled straight into the water. The king's daughter followed it with her eyes, but it vanished, and the well was deep, so deep that the bottom could not be seen.
BUT NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL!
At this she began to cry, and cried louder and louder, and could not be comforted.
Who would comfort her? She's alone! Or did the sun try?
And as she thus lamented someone said to her, "What ails you, king's daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity."
She looked round to the side from whence the voice came, and saw a frog stretching forth its big, ugly head from the water.
"Ah, old water-splasher, is it you," she said, "I am weeping for my golden ball, which has fallen into the well."
Note this. Not only is she not surprised to hear a frog talk suddenly, she also seems to actually know the frog. So possibly they have talked before. Maybe the Frog King has been trying to court her all this time and we never knew. And he got impatient and tired of being green and webby and so decided to steal her gold ball in a reverse of Artemis's race to get her to pay attention.
"Be quiet, and do not weep," answered the frog, "I can help you, but what will you give me if I bring your plaything up again?"
"Whatever you will have, dear frog," said she, "My clothes, my pearls and jewels, and even the golden crown which I am wearing."
The frog answered, "I do not care for your clothes, your pearls and jewels, nor for your golden crown, but if you will love me and let me be your companion and play-fellow, and sit by you at your little table, and eat off your little golden plate, and drink out of your little cup, and sleep in your little bed - if you will promise me this I will go down below, and bring you your golden ball up again."
Note first how fast he went from 'old water splasher' to 'dear frog'. I wonder if Jeanie (she needs a name, all right???) talks to everyone like this? 'Hello there old faded hair-snipper...' *insert offer of magical haircut* 'Dear dear sweet hairdresser!!!!'...
Secondly I love how logical the frog is in response to Jeanie's idiotic offer. Can you imagine a frog in a well wearing a dress? And exactly what was Jeanie going to wear on her walk back to the castle? Had she considered the scandal? The way the servants would talk?
Thirdly... the frog is creepy. Think about it. He's got a girl on her own, he's holding her hostage for a toy - a toy - and he wants her to promise to love and cherish him in return for the toy. This is very creepy. And inappropriate.
"Oh yes," said she, "I promise you all you wish, if you will but bring me my ball back again." But she thought, "How the silly frog does talk. All he does is to sit in the water with the other frogs, and croak. He can be no companion to any human being."
Technically he's not just croaking. He's talking to you, Jeanie, dear.
But the frog when he had received this promise, put his head into the water and sank down; and in a short while came swimmming up again with the ball in his mouth, and threw it on the grass. The king's daughter was delighted to see her pretty plaything once more, and picked it up, and ran away with it.
"Wait, wait," said the frog. "Take me with you. I can't run as you can." But what did it avail him to scream his croak, croak, after her, as loudly as he could. She did not listen to it, but ran home and soon forgot the poor frog, who was forced to go back into his well again.
You know - I can understand her reasoning. Think about it. A creepy dude has your cellphone. He says (in a dark alley far from any help) I'll give it back if you promise to take me home with you and make me your closest companion. Do you a. Say 'no' and run away without your cellphone; b. agree and keep your promise or c. agree and then run away as fast as you can once you have your cellphone back?
Literalist Problem #2: How big is that frog that he can carry a golden ball in his mouth? What is it with fairy-tales and their underestimation of how heavy gold is??
The next day when she had seated herself at table with the king and all the courtiers, and was eating from her little golden plate,
Is she related to Maude? (See Review #1) Are princesses genetically predisposed to adore gold?
something came creeping splish splash, splish splash, up the marble staircase, and when it had got to the top, it knocked at the door and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
She ran to see who was outside, but when she opened the door, there sat the frog in front of it.
Literalist Problem #3: Why is it creeping and not hopping? Why, on top of this, is it splashing when presumably it had to walk over dry ground to get to the castle from the wood? Is it raining outside? If it is loudly splashing outside and croaking, how did Jeanie not know who it was?
Then she slammed the door to, in great haste, sat down to dinner again, and was quite frightened. The king saw plainly that her heart was beating violently, and said, "My child, what are you so afraid of? Is there perchance a giant outside who wants to carry you away?" "Ah, no," replied she. "It is no giant but a disgusting frog."
Every friday is Giant Visitation night. Wednesdays are for random reptiles or amphibians.
"What does a frog want with you?"
"Ah, dear father, yesterday as I was in the forest sitting by the well, playing, my golden ball fell into the water. And because I cried so, the frog brought it out again for me, and because he so insisted, I promised him he should be my companion, but I never thought he would be able to come out of his water. And now he is outside there, and wants to come in to me."
In the meantime it knocked a second time, and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me, do you not know what you said to me yesterday by the cool waters of the well. Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
Then said the king, "That which you have promised must you perform. Go and let him in."
Literalist Problem #4: The king, after hearing this rather unhealthy tale, instead of ordering his guards to shoo away the frog insisting his daughter (talking frog problem aside) make it her companion... insists she actually take in the strange and probably enchanted animal. Who might be a witch or warlock. Or demon. Or be going to eat her or take her to fairyland. Why not at least question the enchanted animal first?
She went and opened the door, and the frog hopped in and followed her, step by step, to her chair. There he sat and cried, "Lift me up beside you." She delayed, until at last the king commanded her to do it. Once the frog was on the chair he wanted to be on the table, and when he was on the table he said, "Now, push your little golden plate nearer to me that we may eat together." She did this, but it was easy to see that she did not do it willingly. The frog enjoyed what he ate, but almost every mouthful she took choked her.
Does this surprise anyone?
At length he said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
The king's daughter began to cry, for she was afraid of the cold frog which she did not like to touch, and which was now to sleep in her pretty, clean little bed.
Um - question? How old is Jeanie? Because she's starting to actually sound very young and that would make this even more creepy.
But the king grew angry and said, "He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you."
Ahem: He who blackmailed you in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you?
So she took hold of the frog with two fingers, carried him upstairs, and put him in a corner, but when she was in bed he crept to her and said, "I am tired, I want to sleep as well as you, lift me up or I will tell your father."
At this she was terribly angry, and took him up and threw him with all her might against the wall.
"Now, will you be quiet, odious frog," said she.
So you see? She didn't kiss him.
But when he fell down he was no frog but a king's son with kind and beautiful eyes. He by her father's will was now her dear companion and husband.
....when.... did they get married???
Literalist Problem #5: I have never ever understood how a crushed and probably horrible maimed frog became a perfectly well prince.
Then he told her how he had been bewitched by a wicked witch, and how no one could have delivered him from the well but herself, and that to-morrow they would go together into his kingdom.
To which she had no choice at all.
Then they went to sleep, and next morning when the sun awoke them, a carriage came driving up with eight white horses, which had white ostrich feathers on their heads, and were harnessed with golden chains, and behind stood the young king's servant Faithful Henry.
See that? That means he is faithful. Seriously.
Faithful Henry had been so unhappy when his master was changed into a frog, that he had caused three iron bands to be laid round his heart, lest it should burst with grief and sadness.
Literalist Problem #6: How - did he - get iron - put round his HEART? Open heart surgery? Why didn't his body reject the foreign object? This is not medically sound!
Please note: My blog does not recommend the application of iron bands to the cariovascular system as a cure for grief.
The carriage was to conduct the young king into his kingdom. Faithful Henry helped them both in, and placed himself behind again, and was full of joy because of this deliverance. And when they had driven a part of the way the king's son heard a cracking behind him as if something had broken. So he turned round and cried, "Henry, the carriage is breaking." "No, master, it is not the carriage. It is a band from my heart, which was put there in my great pain when you were a frog and imprisoned in the well."
Seriously, Henry is pretty fascinating. What was he doing while the King was a frog? Why didn't he help the frog make better friends with the princess and develop a better dating technique? Who put the iron bands there and what is happening to them now that they're snapping?
Again and once again while they were on their way something cracked, and each time the king's son thought the carriage was breaking, but it was only the bands which were springing from the heart of Faithful Henry because his master was set free and was happy.
And the Frog King is not too bright.
In all, the story is actually a little more creepy than you probably realised when you were a child, and that magical and renowned kiss didn't actually happen in the original version. The way to a king's heart is violence and attempted murder. Remember that, ladies.
Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That??
Oh for heavens...
This is the third time I have tried to write this post now. My blog thinks Faithful John is far far too ridiculous to post in this category obviously. Anyway, typically I will be posting these categories separately, but John dear is proving such a splendid illustration that here is an introduction to all three.
Idiot Prizes:
This prize is going to Prince Fred. Maude got a name, after all. So - yes. Prince Fred. Who is, I think, probably schizophrenic.
Let me put that in perspective.
Fred: I must go into this room which is probably deadly to my health... oh my goodness gracious me, my golly gosh, my blinking bounding blueberries! This picture! I must faint, it is so lovely! I have no doubt the real person this must be of because it could not be imagined at all is no doubt exactly like this picture! I love her and I hear voices from the picture telling me to go and find her! *exit.... on ship with gold!*
Fred: *later* Oh my statue... I must keep you in my rooms for years and talk to you about all my problems... no one must know I do this except Maude. Everyone else is plotting against me but my faithful John, my very very fait.... What's that, Statue? You want me to cut the heads off my children???
Yes, Fred. Yes. Endanger your kingdom's ruling line AND listen to inanimate objects!
Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:
There are a lot of possibilities here, but I gotta say, my favorite is the horse.
Yes, the horse.
That horse turns up out of nowhere with full intent of assassinating a king... a regicidal revolutionary socialistic horse which carried a pistol in it's saddle-bag, no doubt just in case throwing the king off his back didn't get the job done! I want to know more about the horse.
How Disturbing Is That??:
You have to ask? The King kills his children!!! And the children don't seem bothered by it! No 'Hey, daddy killed us, maybe he doesn't love us anymore!' no 'why are our clothes all dirty?' just happily run off playing again with no noticeable trauma...
And the children listening to the tale make mental notes to run away should their father's best friend turn to stone or die.
Not to mention the slaughtering of a horse. Think, John. Think about the young girls in the audience. You just shot Black Beauty. You cut the throat of Flicka. You murdered a My Little Pony. Shame.
Actually - as a side note of interest - in other versions of the tale the three traps are set up by Maude's furious magician father, who also tells Maude and Fred how to restore John. I have to say I prefer this, as it portrays the faithful and kind servant in a much less bloodthirsty light, and actually gives a reason for the random traps. The father afterwards explains this was to 1. punish John for stealing his daughter away; 2. punish Fred for stealing his daughter away by forcing him to live with the knowledge that he killed his friend and 3. punish his daughter for breaking his heart by showing her how hard it is to lose your children.
He also brings the children back to life, so we have no creepy demonic-powers John.
On the other hand, instead of sucking out blood, the last task is frequently to hide behind the bed of the king over his wedding night so that he can fight off a dragon who will appear in the middle of the night.
Yes.
Ew.
This is the third time I have tried to write this post now. My blog thinks Faithful John is far far too ridiculous to post in this category obviously. Anyway, typically I will be posting these categories separately, but John dear is proving such a splendid illustration that here is an introduction to all three.
Idiot Prizes:
This prize is going to Prince Fred. Maude got a name, after all. So - yes. Prince Fred. Who is, I think, probably schizophrenic.
Let me put that in perspective.
Fred: I must go into this room which is probably deadly to my health... oh my goodness gracious me, my golly gosh, my blinking bounding blueberries! This picture! I must faint, it is so lovely! I have no doubt the real person this must be of because it could not be imagined at all is no doubt exactly like this picture! I love her and I hear voices from the picture telling me to go and find her! *exit.... on ship with gold!*
Fred: *later* Oh my statue... I must keep you in my rooms for years and talk to you about all my problems... no one must know I do this except Maude. Everyone else is plotting against me but my faithful John, my very very fait.... What's that, Statue? You want me to cut the heads off my children???
Yes, Fred. Yes. Endanger your kingdom's ruling line AND listen to inanimate objects!
Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:
There are a lot of possibilities here, but I gotta say, my favorite is the horse.
Yes, the horse.
That horse turns up out of nowhere with full intent of assassinating a king... a regicidal revolutionary socialistic horse which carried a pistol in it's saddle-bag, no doubt just in case throwing the king off his back didn't get the job done! I want to know more about the horse.
How Disturbing Is That??:
You have to ask? The King kills his children!!! And the children don't seem bothered by it! No 'Hey, daddy killed us, maybe he doesn't love us anymore!' no 'why are our clothes all dirty?' just happily run off playing again with no noticeable trauma...
And the children listening to the tale make mental notes to run away should their father's best friend turn to stone or die.
Not to mention the slaughtering of a horse. Think, John. Think about the young girls in the audience. You just shot Black Beauty. You cut the throat of Flicka. You murdered a My Little Pony. Shame.
Actually - as a side note of interest - in other versions of the tale the three traps are set up by Maude's furious magician father, who also tells Maude and Fred how to restore John. I have to say I prefer this, as it portrays the faithful and kind servant in a much less bloodthirsty light, and actually gives a reason for the random traps. The father afterwards explains this was to 1. punish John for stealing his daughter away; 2. punish Fred for stealing his daughter away by forcing him to live with the knowledge that he killed his friend and 3. punish his daughter for breaking his heart by showing her how hard it is to lose your children.
He also brings the children back to life, so we have no creepy demonic-powers John.
On the other hand, instead of sucking out blood, the last task is frequently to hide behind the bed of the king over his wedding night so that he can fight off a dragon who will appear in the middle of the night.
Yes.
Ew.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Survival Guide #1 Faithful John
This - is a self-explanatory part of the blog. Imagine some day you are wandering over a hill merrily, not noticing what you're doing or where you're going - suddenly catastrophe! You are on the site of a rather in a circle of grass next to a spinney of oak, ash and yew trees!!! Next thing you know, you are in a fairytale - like Enchanted but backwards.
This is where I offer a guide of sorts, illustrated by selected fairy-tales, on how to survive should this most dreaded of events happen. It may seem pleasant, but believe me. There are far far more easy deaths to be had in a fairy-tale than happy-ever-afters. Besides, the level of sacharine sweetness you would have to attain to be guaranteed an eventual happy-ever-after if, quite frankly, impossible for mortal human beings.
So - without further ado - on to part one of the Survival Guide:
Names and what they mean:
Here in Faithful John we get a splendid illustration of how - in some ways at least - fairytales are also very very literal. His name is Faithful John. This means, dear reader that he is Faithful. I know. Shocker, isn't it? This is honestly a very very very good indication of what to expect in fairytales. The only time when you should be wary of taking a person's name at face-value is when it has the word 'simple' in it.
Beware of any name which indicates its owner is a moron. Usually this name is made up by jealous brothers and said 'moron' really is going to any day find a golden goose or fly off on a flying ship.
Anyway! Here are some types of name to look out for:
Personality Characteristics:
Vassila The Valiant
Fernand the Faithful/Fernand the Faithless
Trusty John
These are names where immediately you know what the person is going to be like. IMPORTANT TIP: Do not become travelling companions with people like Fernand the Faithless (real fairytale name. Everyone knew that was his name. Yes.) - it's not exaggeration and it's not an unfortunate slip of their mother's tongue. It is who they are. They will leave you down the bottomless pit to die while they take the magic princess back to the king.
Similarly, if Trusty John tells you something... then believe him.
Physical Characteristics:
Big Hans/Little Hans
Koshei the Deathless
Goldilocks
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Red Riding Hood
Again - yes somehow Red Riding Hood apparently came out of the womb with that cloak on, because that's her name. These names are not as essential to note, as you'll probably get the idea just from looking at the person (except Koshei... he is evil.).
Disguises:
Cap o' Rushes
Katie Woodencloak
Donkeyskin
Bearskin
If a girl is wearing a really really really weird over-garment and her name is something to do with the garment, be polite. She is a disguised princess.
Actions/Deeds/Occupations:
The Brave Little Tailor
Jack the Giant Killer
Katie Crackernuts
Katie cracks nuts, Jack kills giants, and the tailor is a tailor. The nice thing to note here is that you can pretty much bet if you meet someone called Giant Killer - then Giants will abound if you happen to hang out with them. For the sake of your peace of mind, avoid these people.
In conclusion - take note of your friends and enemies and what their names are. It provides a very good hint as to what may happen.
This is where I offer a guide of sorts, illustrated by selected fairy-tales, on how to survive should this most dreaded of events happen. It may seem pleasant, but believe me. There are far far more easy deaths to be had in a fairy-tale than happy-ever-afters. Besides, the level of sacharine sweetness you would have to attain to be guaranteed an eventual happy-ever-after if, quite frankly, impossible for mortal human beings.
So - without further ado - on to part one of the Survival Guide:
Names and what they mean:
Here in Faithful John we get a splendid illustration of how - in some ways at least - fairytales are also very very literal. His name is Faithful John. This means, dear reader that he is Faithful. I know. Shocker, isn't it? This is honestly a very very very good indication of what to expect in fairytales. The only time when you should be wary of taking a person's name at face-value is when it has the word 'simple' in it.
Beware of any name which indicates its owner is a moron. Usually this name is made up by jealous brothers and said 'moron' really is going to any day find a golden goose or fly off on a flying ship.
Anyway! Here are some types of name to look out for:
Personality Characteristics:
Vassila The Valiant
Fernand the Faithful/Fernand the Faithless
Trusty John
These are names where immediately you know what the person is going to be like. IMPORTANT TIP: Do not become travelling companions with people like Fernand the Faithless (real fairytale name. Everyone knew that was his name. Yes.) - it's not exaggeration and it's not an unfortunate slip of their mother's tongue. It is who they are. They will leave you down the bottomless pit to die while they take the magic princess back to the king.
Similarly, if Trusty John tells you something... then believe him.
Physical Characteristics:
Big Hans/Little Hans
Koshei the Deathless
Goldilocks
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Red Riding Hood
Again - yes somehow Red Riding Hood apparently came out of the womb with that cloak on, because that's her name. These names are not as essential to note, as you'll probably get the idea just from looking at the person (except Koshei... he is evil.).
Disguises:
Cap o' Rushes
Katie Woodencloak
Donkeyskin
Bearskin
If a girl is wearing a really really really weird over-garment and her name is something to do with the garment, be polite. She is a disguised princess.
Actions/Deeds/Occupations:
The Brave Little Tailor
Jack the Giant Killer
Katie Crackernuts
Katie cracks nuts, Jack kills giants, and the tailor is a tailor. The nice thing to note here is that you can pretty much bet if you meet someone called Giant Killer - then Giants will abound if you happen to hang out with them. For the sake of your peace of mind, avoid these people.
In conclusion - take note of your friends and enemies and what their names are. It provides a very good hint as to what may happen.
Conversations #1 Faithful John
With Conversations/What They Should Have Said, depending on the fairytale of the moment it will either be conversation I imagine happening off screen or things which the characters said which might have been better put another way (Grandma.... what I'm trying to say is that you're a wolf.). With Faithful John - since it is the prototype and is full of so much crazy, I'm going to present an example of both.
The fairytale review will not necessarily always be the fairytale used for Conversations, or Morals or so forth. For this first batch, though, Faithful John is just too good a source material not to use it as illustration.
Conversations In Faithful John:
#1.
The conversation between Maude (see review for who that is) and her serving girl when said serving girl reports on the funny guy at the well with the pretty gold stuff.
Serving Girl: Ma'am - you won't believe what I...
Princess Maude: Gold?
Serving Girl: Well yes, ma'am, that's what I wanted to tell you ab...
Princess Maude: Gold! Gold!!
Serving Girl: Ma'am - there's a man in the courtyard with some...
Princess Maude: Gold!
Serving Girl: *sigh* Yes ma'am...
Princess Maude: *squeal of delight, runs from the room towards the courtyard*
That, anyway, is how I think it happened. This girl was obsessed with gold and might possibly have secretly been one of Terry Pratchett's dwarves.
#2:
Another possible conversation once the ship has set sail:
Maude: Wait.... we're moving! Oh my goodness we're moving!
Prince: *blinks* Well... yes. We've been moving for - oh, four hours now.
Maude: Why didn't you tell me?
Prince: Ma'am, we're on a frigate. How could you not tell?
Maude: *haughtily* You must want ransom, sir! I tell you, our father will give you what you desire so long as you return me unharmed.
Prince: *looks around chamber full of gold* Um - no. We don't need any more gold...
Maude: *eyes glaze over* Gold!
Prince: Actually, I want to marry you.
Maude: And you thought kidnapping was an appropriate start? Wait! You're a merchant! I can't marry a merchant, you'll sell all my gold!
Prince: No! No no, I'm a king! I'm really a king! The merchant thing was all a ruse to trick you into enterring my ship... so um... I could... um... sail off with you.
Maude: *much suspicion* So I can keep the gold?
Prince: Of course!
Maude: All right then!
Because I figure her only possible reason for not wanting to marry a merchant must have has something to do with that gold. Let's be frank here, princesses are not that picky. Farmboys, tailors, fools, hedgehogs, bears, and bulls. All married with very little complaint.
What They Should Have Said:
#1
Prince: John! I will die if I do not marry this princess! You must help me!
John: Sire - that's stupid.
Prince: How dare you! I love her more than life itself!
John: But you've only just seen her pict *pause* ...I'm going to get the doctors, sire. You'll be all right, I promise. You'll be all right.
#2
Statue: So. Child sacrifice. That's the only way to save me.
Prince: What kind of stupid, evil, amoral cure to a spell is that?
Statue: Eh. That's how the cookie crumbles.
Prince: But you swore to protect me even if it should cost you your life! And suddenly now you want to renege on that and kill my children?
Statue: Welllll...
Prince: I have a new idea! Stonemasons! Turn this statue into a vase!
Because really. Who falls in love with pictures and listens when statues tell them to kill their children? That's a whole new sort of defense in court: 'Your honour, that statue made me do it!'
The fairytale review will not necessarily always be the fairytale used for Conversations, or Morals or so forth. For this first batch, though, Faithful John is just too good a source material not to use it as illustration.
Conversations In Faithful John:
#1.
The conversation between Maude (see review for who that is) and her serving girl when said serving girl reports on the funny guy at the well with the pretty gold stuff.
Serving Girl: Ma'am - you won't believe what I...
Princess Maude: Gold?
Serving Girl: Well yes, ma'am, that's what I wanted to tell you ab...
Princess Maude: Gold! Gold!!
Serving Girl: Ma'am - there's a man in the courtyard with some...
Princess Maude: Gold!
Serving Girl: *sigh* Yes ma'am...
Princess Maude: *squeal of delight, runs from the room towards the courtyard*
That, anyway, is how I think it happened. This girl was obsessed with gold and might possibly have secretly been one of Terry Pratchett's dwarves.
#2:
Another possible conversation once the ship has set sail:
Maude: Wait.... we're moving! Oh my goodness we're moving!
Prince: *blinks* Well... yes. We've been moving for - oh, four hours now.
Maude: Why didn't you tell me?
Prince: Ma'am, we're on a frigate. How could you not tell?
Maude: *haughtily* You must want ransom, sir! I tell you, our father will give you what you desire so long as you return me unharmed.
Prince: *looks around chamber full of gold* Um - no. We don't need any more gold...
Maude: *eyes glaze over* Gold!
Prince: Actually, I want to marry you.
Maude: And you thought kidnapping was an appropriate start? Wait! You're a merchant! I can't marry a merchant, you'll sell all my gold!
Prince: No! No no, I'm a king! I'm really a king! The merchant thing was all a ruse to trick you into enterring my ship... so um... I could... um... sail off with you.
Maude: *much suspicion* So I can keep the gold?
Prince: Of course!
Maude: All right then!
Because I figure her only possible reason for not wanting to marry a merchant must have has something to do with that gold. Let's be frank here, princesses are not that picky. Farmboys, tailors, fools, hedgehogs, bears, and bulls. All married with very little complaint.
What They Should Have Said:
#1
Prince: John! I will die if I do not marry this princess! You must help me!
John: Sire - that's stupid.
Prince: How dare you! I love her more than life itself!
John: But you've only just seen her pict *pause* ...I'm going to get the doctors, sire. You'll be all right, I promise. You'll be all right.
#2
Statue: So. Child sacrifice. That's the only way to save me.
Prince: What kind of stupid, evil, amoral cure to a spell is that?
Statue: Eh. That's how the cookie crumbles.
Prince: But you swore to protect me even if it should cost you your life! And suddenly now you want to renege on that and kill my children?
Statue: Welllll...
Prince: I have a new idea! Stonemasons! Turn this statue into a vase!
Because really. Who falls in love with pictures and listens when statues tell them to kill their children? That's a whole new sort of defense in court: 'Your honour, that statue made me do it!'
Tuesday 1 November 2011
Fairy Tale Review #1 Faithful John
Or Faithful Johannes or Trusty John or John the True or other versions of similar/almostpracticallyidentical tales include an Italian story 'The Raven' and 'Father Roquelaire', a French version. Most commonly found growing in Grimms Garden or wild through Andrew Lang's retellings - ATT 516 - The Petrified Friend.
Now my idea is to be quite systematic through my Grimms fairytale book actually, but I couldn't start with any other tale than this. This here has been my longtime favorite fairytale since I first read it in Andrew Lang's Blue Fairy Book. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head why I like this story so much - in fact I find the ending shocking and reprehensible (a fun word to use in company, that), but I've always had a liking for tales in which falsely accused characters get to prove their innocence. It's also a splendid introductory story, as we can get something for every category out of it.
The Story - From Grimms
There was once on a time an old king who was ill, and thought to himself, "I am lying on what must be my death-bed." Then said he, " Tell Faithful John to come to me."
I like how he doesn't ask to see his wife and kids or anything. Note that in many versions John's character is the Prince's foster brother - so that might explain it. Still. Harsh.
Faithful John was his favourite servant, and was so called, because he had for his whole life long been so true to him.
This is as oposed to Unfaithful Jack, Sometimes Tardy Ronald, and Jim Who Takes Too Long At Lunch.
When therefore he came beside the bed, the King said to him, "Most faithful John, I feel my end approaching, and have no anxiety except about my son. He is still of tender age, and cannot always know how to guide himself. If thou dost not promise me to teach him everything that he ought to know, and to be his foster-father, I cannot close my eyes in peace."
Then answered Faithful John, "I will not forsake him, and will serve him with fidelity, even if it should cost me my life."
On this, the old King said, "Now I die in comfort and peace."
but he doesn't.
Then he added, "After my death, thou shalt show him the whole castle: all the chambers, halls, and vaults, and all the treasures which lie therein, but the last chamber in the long gallery, in which is the picture of the princess of the Golden Dwelling, shalt thou not show. If he sees that picture, he will fall violently in love with her, and will drop down in a swoon, and go through great danger for her sake, therefore thou must preserve him from that."
And when Faithful John had once more given his promise to the old King about this, the King said no more, but laid his head on his pillow, and died.
Okay - first Literalist Issue: Why does the king keep the picture of the Princess Of the Gold... does the woman have a name? Maude. We will call her Maude. Why does the King keep a picture of Maude in his gallery if seeing her will cause his son so much danger? Is this like Royal Picture Roulette? I mean he's got a special room for this picture, a specific room exactly for the picture no one is meant to see.
This is stupid.
When the old King had been carried to his grave, Faithful John told the young King all that he had promised his father on his deathbed, and said, "This will I assuredly perform, and will be faithful to thee as I have been faithful to him, even if it should cost me my life."
When the mourning was over, Faithful John said to him, "It is now time that thou shouldst see thine inheritance. I will show thee thy father's palace." Then he took him about everywhere, up and down, and let him see all the riches, and the magnificent apartments, only there was one room which he did not open, that in which hung the dangerous picture. The picture was, however, so placed that when the door was opened you looked straight on it, and it was so admirably painted that it seemed to breathe and live, and there was nothing more charming or more beautiful in the whole world.
So not only is there a whole room for this painting, it's organised so that anyone who looks in can't help but see it. And yet despite the danger this threatens no one said 'Hey! the king was really worried about this... let's burn it!'.
The young King, however, plainly remarked that Faithful John always walked past this one door, and said, "Why dost thou never open this one for me?" -
"There is something within it," he replied, "which would terrify thee."
This... is not a wise thing to say, John. Just say 'there's a picture in there which will probably kill you. I'm not sure why we keep it, Sire.' Being mysterious is not helpful.
But the King answered, "I have seen all the palace, and I will know what is in this room also," and he went and tried to break open the door by force.
Then Faithful John held him back and said, "I promised thy father before his death that thou shouldst not see that which is in this chamber, it might bring the greatest misfortune on thee and on me." - "Ah, no," replied the young King, "if I do not go in, it will be my certain destruction. I should have no rest day or night until I had seen it with my own eyes. I shall not leave the place now until thou hast unlocked the door."
This kid respects his father's dying wishes.
Then Faithful John saw that there was no help for it now, and with a heavy heart and many sighs, sought out the key from the great bunch. When he had opened the door, he went in first, and thought by standing before him he could hide the portrait so that the King should not see it in front of him, but what availed that? The King stood on tip-toe and saw it over his shoulder. And when he saw the portrait of the maiden, which was so magnificent and shone with gold and precious stones, he fell fainting to the ground. Faithful John took him up, carried him to his bed, and sorrowfully thought, "The misfortune has befallen us, Lord God, what will be the end of it?" Then he strengthened him with wine, until he came to himself again.
The first words the King said were, "Ah, the beautiful portrait! whose it it?" - "That is the princess of the Golden Dwelling," answered Faithful John.
Then the King continued, "My love for her is so great, that if all the leaves on all the trees were tongues, they could not declare it. I will give my life to win her. Thou art my most Faithful John, thou must help me."
Literalist Problem #2. This happens a lot in fairytales, and I must say it bewilders me. He is desperately and hopelessly in love - with a painting. A painting. He hasn't even seen the woman. Maude might, in fact, be a gold-digging harpy, and he doesn't care. he saw her in oils and that's good enough for him! I never really got this as a child, I was always concerned that there would be differences between the painting and reality.
The faithful servant considered within himself for a long time how to set about the matter, for it was difficult even to obtain a sight of the King's daughter. At length he thought of a way, and said to the King, "Everything which she has about her is of gold - tables, chairs, dishes, glasses, bowls, and household furniture. Among thy treasures are five tons of gold; let one of the goldsmiths of the Kingdom work these up into all manner of vessels and utensils, into all kinds of birds, wild beasts and strange animals, such as may please her, and we will go there with them and try our luck."
Psychoanalytical Issue #1: Everything about he is gold, so let's give her more gold because how on earth could we expect people who live in a town of gold surrounded by gold to be better at crafting gold than us!?!? John.... John.... did you consider maybe perhaps she might like a novelty of something that isn't gold?
The King ordered all the goldsmiths to be brought to him, didn't John say one goldsmith? and they had to work night and day until at last the most splendid things were prepared. When everything was stowed on board a ship, Faithful John put on the dress of a merchant, and the King was forced to do the same in order to make himself quite unrecognizable. Then they sailed across the sea, and sailed on until they came to the town wherein dwelt the princess of the Golden Dwelling.
How did they carry that much gold in a ship without it sinking? Was it a really BIG ship?
Faithful John bade the King stay behind on the ship, and wait for him. "Perhaps I shall bring the princess with me," said he, "therefore see that everything is in order; have the golden vessels set out and the whole ship decorated." Then he gathered together in his apron all kinds of gold things, went on shore and walked straight to the royal palace. When he entered the courtyard of the palace, a beautiful girl was standing there by the well with two golden buckets in her hand, drawing water with them. And when she was just turning round to carry away the sparkling water she saw the stranger, and asked who he was.
So he answered, "I am a merchant," and opened his apron, and let her look in.
Then she cried, "Oh, what beautiful gold things!" and put her pails down and looked at the golden wares one after the other. Then said the girl, "The princess must see these, she has such great pleasure in golden things, that she will buy all you have."
Handy. Seeing as she lives in a gold town and it's part of her name. If she'd been allergic we'd have been in trouble.
She took him by the hand and led him upstairs, for she was the waiting-maid. When the King's daughter saw the wares, she was quite delighted and said, "They are so beautifully worked, that I will buy them all of thee." But Faithful John said, "I am only the servant of a rich merchant. The things I have here are not to be compared with those my master has in his ship. They are the most beautiful and valuable things that have ever been made in gold."
Handy Lie #1: Promise more pretty things somewhere else. Like giving candy and saying your icecream truck is parked around the corner.
She wanted to have everything brought to her there, but he said, "There are so many of them that it would take a great many days to do that, and so many rooms would be required to exhibit them, that your house is not big enough." Then her curiosity and longing were still more excited, until at last she said, "Conduct me to the ship, I will go there myself, and behold the treasures of thine master."
Handy Lie #2: Emphasise this temptation and make it wriggle-proof. No, sir, I cannot bring in my golden-egg-laying-goose. She only lays golden eggs in her home, sir. Nerves, sir.
On this Faithful John was quite delighted, Note this. It is the only time in the whole story that he is happy. and led her to the ship, and when the King saw her, he perceived that her beauty was even greater than the picture had represented it to be, and thought no other than that his heart would burst in twain.
Is that a good feeling to have?
Then she got into the ship, and the King led her within. Faithful John, however, remained behind with the pilot, and ordered the ship to be pushed off, saying, "Set all sail, till it fly like a bird in air." Within, however, the King showed her the golden vessels, every one of them, also the wild beasts and strange animals. Many hours went by whilst she was seeing everything, and in her delight she did not observe that the ship was sailing away.
Literalist Problem #3: It's a frigate of some kind, surely. Or a galley. a big big ship. Moving would make a lot of noise, right? Or at least - you know - movement. Significant 'we are no longer anchored' movement and noise to be expected and neatly noted in the brochure, right? And she doesn't notice?
After she had looked at the last, she thanked the merchant and wanted to go home, but when she came to the side of the ship, she saw that it was on the deep sea far from land, and hurrying onwards with all sail set. "Ah," cried she in her alarm, "I am betrayed! I am carried away and have fallen into the power of a merchant - I would die rather!"
Snob.
The King, however, seized her hand, and said, "I am not a merchant. I am a king, and of no meaner origin than thou art, and if I have carried thee away with subtlety, that has come to pass because of my exceeding great love for thee. The first time that I looked on thy portrait, I fell fainting to the ground." When the princess of the Golden Dwelling heard that, she was comforted, and her heart was inclined unto him, so that she willingly consented to be his wife.
Because a husband who faints at the sight of you is a real turn on?
It so happened, however, while they were sailing onwards over the deep sea, that Faithful John, who was sitting on the fore part of the vessel, making music, saw three ravens in the air, which came flying towards them. On this he stopped playing and listened to what they were saying to each other, for that he well understood.
See, the old king knew how to hire servants. Any good servant knows how to act, trick royalty, make plans that would put Charlemaigne to shame, play music, make wildly dramatic speeches about how loyal they are, and listen to birds. John took 'Listening To Wild Carion Eating Birds 101'.
One cried, "Oh, there he is carrying home the princess of the Golden Dwelling." - "Yes," replied the second, "but he has not got her yet." Said the third, "But he has got her, she is sitting beside him in the ship." Then the first began again, and cried, "What good will that do him? When they reach land a chestnut horse will leap forward to meet him, and the prince will want to mount it, but if he does that, it will run away with him, and rise up into the air with him, and he will never see his maiden more."
Literalist Problem #4: ...I'm just managing to accept the talking birds. But I beg you, how do they know who these random people are? This is never explained. Ever. How do they know what is going to happen and why do they care? Also not explained. They just randomly appear, offer a wicked ultimatum, and leave.
Spake the second, "But is there no escape?" - "Oh, yes, if anyone else gets on it swiftly, and takes out the pistol which must be in its holster, and shoots the horse dead with it, the young King is saved. But who knows that? And whosoever does know it, and tells it to him, will be turned to stone from the toe to the knee."
See, even they don't know how anyone could possibly know all this.
Then said the second, "I know more than that; even if the horse be killed, the young King will still not keep his bride. When they go into the castle together, a wrought bridal garment will be lying there in a dish, and looking as if it were woven of gold and silver; it is, however, nothing but sulphur and pitch, and if he put it on, it will burn him to the very bone and marrow."
Sulphar and pitch always looks like gold and silver. Forgers have been using this little-known technique for years.
Said the third, "Is there no escape at all?" - "Oh, yes," replied the second, "if anyone with gloves on seizes the garment and throws it into the fire and burns it, the young King will be saved. "But what avails that?" Whosoever knows it and tells it to him, half his body will become stone from the knee to the heart." Then said the third, "I know still more; even if the bridal garment be burnt, the young King will still not have his bride. After the wedding, when the dancing begins and the young queen is dancing, she will suddenly turn pale and fall down as if dead, and if some one does not lift her up and draw three drops of blood from her right breast and spit them out again, she will die. But if anyone who knows that were to declare it, he would become stone from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot." When the ravens had spoken of this together, they flew onwards, and Faithful John had well understood everything, but from that time forth he became quiet and sad, for if he concealed what he had heard from his master, the latter would be unfortunate, and if he discovered it to him, he himself must sacrifice his life.
As per the title of this blog, you note that Ravens Always Tell The Truth. This is typical through most fairytales. With the rare exception, talking animals don't lie. I assume because fairytale writers couldn't think of a reason for the animals and birds to lie. I, however, can.
John. These are carion eaters. Carion, John. If they get you to get executed on this pretext, what happens? They have carion. Simple. Ulterior motive? Right there. I bet they tell farmer's sons that they are destined to marry the princess and should go tell the king so as well.
At length, however, he said to himself, "I will save my master, even if it bring destruction on myself."
When therefore they came to shore, all happened as had been foretold by the ravens, and a magnificent chestnut horse sprang forward. "Good," said the King, "he shall carry me to my palace," and was about to mount it when Faithful John got before him, jumped quickly on it, drew the pistol out of the holster, and shot the horse.
Literalist Problem #5: ...where.... did.... it.... come.... from????
Then the other attendants of the King, who after all were not very fond of Faithful John, cried, "How shameful to kill the beautiful animal, that was to have carried the King to his palace." But the King said, "Hold your peace and leave him alone, he is my most faithful John, who knows what may be the good of that!"
They went into the palace, and in the hall there stood a dish, and therein lay the bridal garment looking no otherwise than as if it were made of gold and silver. The young King went towards it and was about to take hold of it, but Faithful John pushed him away, seized it with gloves on, carried it quickly to the fire and burnt it. The other attendants again began to murmur, and said, "Behold, now he is even burning the King's bridal garment!" But the young King said, "Who knows what good he may have done, leave him alone, he is my most faithful John."
You have to admit, the King was pretty patient to let all this go on without once saying 'whyyyy???'
And now the wedding was solemnized: the dance began, and the bride also took part in it; then Faithful John was watchful and looked into her face, and suddenly she turned pale and fell to the ground, as if she were dead. On this he ran hastily to her, lifted her up and bore her into a chamber - then he laid her down, and knelt and sucked the three drops of blood from her right breast, and spat them out. Immediately she breathed again and recovered herself, but the young King had seen this, and being ignorant why Faithful John had done it, was angry and cried, "Throw him into a dungeon."
Let's put this in context. When I was young, I always thought he bit her in the shoulder, but yeah. I think when they say breast, they mean breast. So the king's wife just got manhandled into some guy's private chambers and he bit her. On her breast.
Next morning Faithful John was condemned, and led to the gallows, and when he stood on high, and was about to be executed, he said, "Every one who has to die is permitted before his end to make one last speech; may I too claim the right?" - "Yes," answered the King, "it shall be granted unto thee." Then said Faithful John, "I am unjustly condemned, and have always been true to thee," and he related how he had hearkened to the conversation of the ravens when on the sea, and how he had been obliged to do all these things in order to save his master.
One woul have thought he could have just told the first bit, turned to stone to his knees and used that as proof...
Then cried the King, "Oh, my most Faithful John. Pardon, pardon - bring him down." But as Faithful John spoke the last word he had fallen down lifeless and become a stone.
Thereupon the King and the Queen suffered great anguish, and the King said, "Ah, how ill I have requited great fidelity!" and ordered the stone figure to be taken up and placed in his bedroom beside his bed. And as often as he looked on it he wept and said, "Ah, if I could bring thee to life again, my most faithful John."
Literalist Problem #6: It's in his ROOM. He's staring at it all the TIME. That has GOT to be pissing off his wife. I mean... really. How does he govern?
Some time passed and the Queen bore twins, two sons who grew fast and were her delight. Once when the Queen was at church and the two children were sitting playing beside their father, the latter full of grief again looked at the stone figure, sighed and said, "Ah, if I could but bring thee to life again, my most faithful John." Then the stone began to speak and said, "Thou canst bring me to life again if thou wilt use for that purpose what is dearest to thee." Then cried the King, "I will give everything I have in the world for thee." The stone continued, "If thou wilt will cut off the heads of thy two children with thine own hand, and sprinkle me with their blood, I shall be restored to life."
At this point I would be saying 'Cursed and possessed stone! Begone from my chambers and bother me no more!' or something equally dramatic. From what we know of John, has anything yet indicated he might demand small children to be sacrificed for him? Anything? At all? What's to bet this is a posessed statue?
The King was terrified when he heard that he himself must kill his dearest children, but he thought of faithful John's great fidelity, and how he had died for him, drew his sword, and with his own hand cut off the children's heads. And when he had smeared the stone with their blood, life returned to it, and Faithful John stood once more safe and healthy before him. He said to the King, "Thy truth shall not go unrewarded," and took the heads of the children, put them on again, and rubbed the wounds with their blood, on which they became whole again immediately, and jumped about, and went on playing as if nothing had happened.
1. How long has John been able to do that? Could he have brought himself back to life all this time? Has he just been messing with them? Or should we be saying 'crazy magic powers and blood-lust, this is a demon'?
2. And the kids didn't notice the bloodstains on their clothes...?
Then the King was full of joy, and when he saw the Queen coming he hid Faithful John and the two children in a great cupboard. When she entered, he said to her, "Hast thou been praying in the church?" - "Yes," answered she, "but I have constantly been thinking of Faithful John and what misfortune has befallen him through us." Then said he, "Dear wife, we can give him his life again, but it will cost us our two little sons, whom we must sacrifice." The Queen turned pale, and her heart was full of terror, but she said, "We owe it to him, for his great fidelity." Then the King was rejoiced that she thought as he had thought, and went and opened the cupboard, and brought forth Faithful John and the children, and said, "God be praised, he is delivered, and we have our little sons again also," and told her how everything had occurred. Then they dwelt together in much happiness until their death.
Why no, let's not tell our wife straight away that she doesn't have to worry, everything is all right. now that we've traumatised our children, let's traumatise the woman we're meant to adore as well!!!!
No idea why he does that, except maybe to prove she would have made the same choice. And somehow the children as still not bothered.
As I said - one of my favorites despite the randomness and the plot holes.
Now my idea is to be quite systematic through my Grimms fairytale book actually, but I couldn't start with any other tale than this. This here has been my longtime favorite fairytale since I first read it in Andrew Lang's Blue Fairy Book. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head why I like this story so much - in fact I find the ending shocking and reprehensible (a fun word to use in company, that), but I've always had a liking for tales in which falsely accused characters get to prove their innocence. It's also a splendid introductory story, as we can get something for every category out of it.
The Story - From Grimms
There was once on a time an old king who was ill, and thought to himself, "I am lying on what must be my death-bed." Then said he, " Tell Faithful John to come to me."
I like how he doesn't ask to see his wife and kids or anything. Note that in many versions John's character is the Prince's foster brother - so that might explain it. Still. Harsh.
Faithful John was his favourite servant, and was so called, because he had for his whole life long been so true to him.
This is as oposed to Unfaithful Jack, Sometimes Tardy Ronald, and Jim Who Takes Too Long At Lunch.
When therefore he came beside the bed, the King said to him, "Most faithful John, I feel my end approaching, and have no anxiety except about my son. He is still of tender age, and cannot always know how to guide himself. If thou dost not promise me to teach him everything that he ought to know, and to be his foster-father, I cannot close my eyes in peace."
Then answered Faithful John, "I will not forsake him, and will serve him with fidelity, even if it should cost me my life."
On this, the old King said, "Now I die in comfort and peace."
but he doesn't.
Then he added, "After my death, thou shalt show him the whole castle: all the chambers, halls, and vaults, and all the treasures which lie therein, but the last chamber in the long gallery, in which is the picture of the princess of the Golden Dwelling, shalt thou not show. If he sees that picture, he will fall violently in love with her, and will drop down in a swoon, and go through great danger for her sake, therefore thou must preserve him from that."
And when Faithful John had once more given his promise to the old King about this, the King said no more, but laid his head on his pillow, and died.
Okay - first Literalist Issue: Why does the king keep the picture of the Princess Of the Gold... does the woman have a name? Maude. We will call her Maude. Why does the King keep a picture of Maude in his gallery if seeing her will cause his son so much danger? Is this like Royal Picture Roulette? I mean he's got a special room for this picture, a specific room exactly for the picture no one is meant to see.
This is stupid.
When the old King had been carried to his grave, Faithful John told the young King all that he had promised his father on his deathbed, and said, "This will I assuredly perform, and will be faithful to thee as I have been faithful to him, even if it should cost me my life."
When the mourning was over, Faithful John said to him, "It is now time that thou shouldst see thine inheritance. I will show thee thy father's palace." Then he took him about everywhere, up and down, and let him see all the riches, and the magnificent apartments, only there was one room which he did not open, that in which hung the dangerous picture. The picture was, however, so placed that when the door was opened you looked straight on it, and it was so admirably painted that it seemed to breathe and live, and there was nothing more charming or more beautiful in the whole world.
So not only is there a whole room for this painting, it's organised so that anyone who looks in can't help but see it. And yet despite the danger this threatens no one said 'Hey! the king was really worried about this... let's burn it!'.
The young King, however, plainly remarked that Faithful John always walked past this one door, and said, "Why dost thou never open this one for me?" -
"There is something within it," he replied, "which would terrify thee."
This... is not a wise thing to say, John. Just say 'there's a picture in there which will probably kill you. I'm not sure why we keep it, Sire.' Being mysterious is not helpful.
But the King answered, "I have seen all the palace, and I will know what is in this room also," and he went and tried to break open the door by force.
Then Faithful John held him back and said, "I promised thy father before his death that thou shouldst not see that which is in this chamber, it might bring the greatest misfortune on thee and on me." - "Ah, no," replied the young King, "if I do not go in, it will be my certain destruction. I should have no rest day or night until I had seen it with my own eyes. I shall not leave the place now until thou hast unlocked the door."
This kid respects his father's dying wishes.
Then Faithful John saw that there was no help for it now, and with a heavy heart and many sighs, sought out the key from the great bunch. When he had opened the door, he went in first, and thought by standing before him he could hide the portrait so that the King should not see it in front of him, but what availed that? The King stood on tip-toe and saw it over his shoulder. And when he saw the portrait of the maiden, which was so magnificent and shone with gold and precious stones, he fell fainting to the ground. Faithful John took him up, carried him to his bed, and sorrowfully thought, "The misfortune has befallen us, Lord God, what will be the end of it?" Then he strengthened him with wine, until he came to himself again.
The first words the King said were, "Ah, the beautiful portrait! whose it it?" - "That is the princess of the Golden Dwelling," answered Faithful John.
Then the King continued, "My love for her is so great, that if all the leaves on all the trees were tongues, they could not declare it. I will give my life to win her. Thou art my most Faithful John, thou must help me."
Literalist Problem #2. This happens a lot in fairytales, and I must say it bewilders me. He is desperately and hopelessly in love - with a painting. A painting. He hasn't even seen the woman. Maude might, in fact, be a gold-digging harpy, and he doesn't care. he saw her in oils and that's good enough for him! I never really got this as a child, I was always concerned that there would be differences between the painting and reality.
The faithful servant considered within himself for a long time how to set about the matter, for it was difficult even to obtain a sight of the King's daughter. At length he thought of a way, and said to the King, "Everything which she has about her is of gold - tables, chairs, dishes, glasses, bowls, and household furniture. Among thy treasures are five tons of gold; let one of the goldsmiths of the Kingdom work these up into all manner of vessels and utensils, into all kinds of birds, wild beasts and strange animals, such as may please her, and we will go there with them and try our luck."
Psychoanalytical Issue #1: Everything about he is gold, so let's give her more gold because how on earth could we expect people who live in a town of gold surrounded by gold to be better at crafting gold than us!?!? John.... John.... did you consider maybe perhaps she might like a novelty of something that isn't gold?
The King ordered all the goldsmiths to be brought to him, didn't John say one goldsmith? and they had to work night and day until at last the most splendid things were prepared. When everything was stowed on board a ship, Faithful John put on the dress of a merchant, and the King was forced to do the same in order to make himself quite unrecognizable. Then they sailed across the sea, and sailed on until they came to the town wherein dwelt the princess of the Golden Dwelling.
How did they carry that much gold in a ship without it sinking? Was it a really BIG ship?
Faithful John bade the King stay behind on the ship, and wait for him. "Perhaps I shall bring the princess with me," said he, "therefore see that everything is in order; have the golden vessels set out and the whole ship decorated." Then he gathered together in his apron all kinds of gold things, went on shore and walked straight to the royal palace. When he entered the courtyard of the palace, a beautiful girl was standing there by the well with two golden buckets in her hand, drawing water with them. And when she was just turning round to carry away the sparkling water she saw the stranger, and asked who he was.
So he answered, "I am a merchant," and opened his apron, and let her look in.
Then she cried, "Oh, what beautiful gold things!" and put her pails down and looked at the golden wares one after the other. Then said the girl, "The princess must see these, she has such great pleasure in golden things, that she will buy all you have."
Handy. Seeing as she lives in a gold town and it's part of her name. If she'd been allergic we'd have been in trouble.
She took him by the hand and led him upstairs, for she was the waiting-maid. When the King's daughter saw the wares, she was quite delighted and said, "They are so beautifully worked, that I will buy them all of thee." But Faithful John said, "I am only the servant of a rich merchant. The things I have here are not to be compared with those my master has in his ship. They are the most beautiful and valuable things that have ever been made in gold."
Handy Lie #1: Promise more pretty things somewhere else. Like giving candy and saying your icecream truck is parked around the corner.
She wanted to have everything brought to her there, but he said, "There are so many of them that it would take a great many days to do that, and so many rooms would be required to exhibit them, that your house is not big enough." Then her curiosity and longing were still more excited, until at last she said, "Conduct me to the ship, I will go there myself, and behold the treasures of thine master."
Handy Lie #2: Emphasise this temptation and make it wriggle-proof. No, sir, I cannot bring in my golden-egg-laying-goose. She only lays golden eggs in her home, sir. Nerves, sir.
On this Faithful John was quite delighted, Note this. It is the only time in the whole story that he is happy. and led her to the ship, and when the King saw her, he perceived that her beauty was even greater than the picture had represented it to be, and thought no other than that his heart would burst in twain.
Is that a good feeling to have?
Then she got into the ship, and the King led her within. Faithful John, however, remained behind with the pilot, and ordered the ship to be pushed off, saying, "Set all sail, till it fly like a bird in air." Within, however, the King showed her the golden vessels, every one of them, also the wild beasts and strange animals. Many hours went by whilst she was seeing everything, and in her delight she did not observe that the ship was sailing away.
Literalist Problem #3: It's a frigate of some kind, surely. Or a galley. a big big ship. Moving would make a lot of noise, right? Or at least - you know - movement. Significant 'we are no longer anchored' movement and noise to be expected and neatly noted in the brochure, right? And she doesn't notice?
After she had looked at the last, she thanked the merchant and wanted to go home, but when she came to the side of the ship, she saw that it was on the deep sea far from land, and hurrying onwards with all sail set. "Ah," cried she in her alarm, "I am betrayed! I am carried away and have fallen into the power of a merchant - I would die rather!"
Snob.
The King, however, seized her hand, and said, "I am not a merchant. I am a king, and of no meaner origin than thou art, and if I have carried thee away with subtlety, that has come to pass because of my exceeding great love for thee. The first time that I looked on thy portrait, I fell fainting to the ground." When the princess of the Golden Dwelling heard that, she was comforted, and her heart was inclined unto him, so that she willingly consented to be his wife.
Because a husband who faints at the sight of you is a real turn on?
It so happened, however, while they were sailing onwards over the deep sea, that Faithful John, who was sitting on the fore part of the vessel, making music, saw three ravens in the air, which came flying towards them. On this he stopped playing and listened to what they were saying to each other, for that he well understood.
See, the old king knew how to hire servants. Any good servant knows how to act, trick royalty, make plans that would put Charlemaigne to shame, play music, make wildly dramatic speeches about how loyal they are, and listen to birds. John took 'Listening To Wild Carion Eating Birds 101'.
One cried, "Oh, there he is carrying home the princess of the Golden Dwelling." - "Yes," replied the second, "but he has not got her yet." Said the third, "But he has got her, she is sitting beside him in the ship." Then the first began again, and cried, "What good will that do him? When they reach land a chestnut horse will leap forward to meet him, and the prince will want to mount it, but if he does that, it will run away with him, and rise up into the air with him, and he will never see his maiden more."
Literalist Problem #4: ...I'm just managing to accept the talking birds. But I beg you, how do they know who these random people are? This is never explained. Ever. How do they know what is going to happen and why do they care? Also not explained. They just randomly appear, offer a wicked ultimatum, and leave.
Spake the second, "But is there no escape?" - "Oh, yes, if anyone else gets on it swiftly, and takes out the pistol which must be in its holster, and shoots the horse dead with it, the young King is saved. But who knows that? And whosoever does know it, and tells it to him, will be turned to stone from the toe to the knee."
See, even they don't know how anyone could possibly know all this.
Then said the second, "I know more than that; even if the horse be killed, the young King will still not keep his bride. When they go into the castle together, a wrought bridal garment will be lying there in a dish, and looking as if it were woven of gold and silver; it is, however, nothing but sulphur and pitch, and if he put it on, it will burn him to the very bone and marrow."
Sulphar and pitch always looks like gold and silver. Forgers have been using this little-known technique for years.
Said the third, "Is there no escape at all?" - "Oh, yes," replied the second, "if anyone with gloves on seizes the garment and throws it into the fire and burns it, the young King will be saved. "But what avails that?" Whosoever knows it and tells it to him, half his body will become stone from the knee to the heart." Then said the third, "I know still more; even if the bridal garment be burnt, the young King will still not have his bride. After the wedding, when the dancing begins and the young queen is dancing, she will suddenly turn pale and fall down as if dead, and if some one does not lift her up and draw three drops of blood from her right breast and spit them out again, she will die. But if anyone who knows that were to declare it, he would become stone from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot." When the ravens had spoken of this together, they flew onwards, and Faithful John had well understood everything, but from that time forth he became quiet and sad, for if he concealed what he had heard from his master, the latter would be unfortunate, and if he discovered it to him, he himself must sacrifice his life.
As per the title of this blog, you note that Ravens Always Tell The Truth. This is typical through most fairytales. With the rare exception, talking animals don't lie. I assume because fairytale writers couldn't think of a reason for the animals and birds to lie. I, however, can.
John. These are carion eaters. Carion, John. If they get you to get executed on this pretext, what happens? They have carion. Simple. Ulterior motive? Right there. I bet they tell farmer's sons that they are destined to marry the princess and should go tell the king so as well.
At length, however, he said to himself, "I will save my master, even if it bring destruction on myself."
When therefore they came to shore, all happened as had been foretold by the ravens, and a magnificent chestnut horse sprang forward. "Good," said the King, "he shall carry me to my palace," and was about to mount it when Faithful John got before him, jumped quickly on it, drew the pistol out of the holster, and shot the horse.
Literalist Problem #5: ...where.... did.... it.... come.... from????
Then the other attendants of the King, who after all were not very fond of Faithful John, cried, "How shameful to kill the beautiful animal, that was to have carried the King to his palace." But the King said, "Hold your peace and leave him alone, he is my most faithful John, who knows what may be the good of that!"
They went into the palace, and in the hall there stood a dish, and therein lay the bridal garment looking no otherwise than as if it were made of gold and silver. The young King went towards it and was about to take hold of it, but Faithful John pushed him away, seized it with gloves on, carried it quickly to the fire and burnt it. The other attendants again began to murmur, and said, "Behold, now he is even burning the King's bridal garment!" But the young King said, "Who knows what good he may have done, leave him alone, he is my most faithful John."
You have to admit, the King was pretty patient to let all this go on without once saying 'whyyyy???'
And now the wedding was solemnized: the dance began, and the bride also took part in it; then Faithful John was watchful and looked into her face, and suddenly she turned pale and fell to the ground, as if she were dead. On this he ran hastily to her, lifted her up and bore her into a chamber - then he laid her down, and knelt and sucked the three drops of blood from her right breast, and spat them out. Immediately she breathed again and recovered herself, but the young King had seen this, and being ignorant why Faithful John had done it, was angry and cried, "Throw him into a dungeon."
Let's put this in context. When I was young, I always thought he bit her in the shoulder, but yeah. I think when they say breast, they mean breast. So the king's wife just got manhandled into some guy's private chambers and he bit her. On her breast.
Next morning Faithful John was condemned, and led to the gallows, and when he stood on high, and was about to be executed, he said, "Every one who has to die is permitted before his end to make one last speech; may I too claim the right?" - "Yes," answered the King, "it shall be granted unto thee." Then said Faithful John, "I am unjustly condemned, and have always been true to thee," and he related how he had hearkened to the conversation of the ravens when on the sea, and how he had been obliged to do all these things in order to save his master.
One woul have thought he could have just told the first bit, turned to stone to his knees and used that as proof...
Then cried the King, "Oh, my most Faithful John. Pardon, pardon - bring him down." But as Faithful John spoke the last word he had fallen down lifeless and become a stone.
Thereupon the King and the Queen suffered great anguish, and the King said, "Ah, how ill I have requited great fidelity!" and ordered the stone figure to be taken up and placed in his bedroom beside his bed. And as often as he looked on it he wept and said, "Ah, if I could bring thee to life again, my most faithful John."
Literalist Problem #6: It's in his ROOM. He's staring at it all the TIME. That has GOT to be pissing off his wife. I mean... really. How does he govern?
Some time passed and the Queen bore twins, two sons who grew fast and were her delight. Once when the Queen was at church and the two children were sitting playing beside their father, the latter full of grief again looked at the stone figure, sighed and said, "Ah, if I could but bring thee to life again, my most faithful John." Then the stone began to speak and said, "Thou canst bring me to life again if thou wilt use for that purpose what is dearest to thee." Then cried the King, "I will give everything I have in the world for thee." The stone continued, "If thou wilt will cut off the heads of thy two children with thine own hand, and sprinkle me with their blood, I shall be restored to life."
At this point I would be saying 'Cursed and possessed stone! Begone from my chambers and bother me no more!' or something equally dramatic. From what we know of John, has anything yet indicated he might demand small children to be sacrificed for him? Anything? At all? What's to bet this is a posessed statue?
The King was terrified when he heard that he himself must kill his dearest children, but he thought of faithful John's great fidelity, and how he had died for him, drew his sword, and with his own hand cut off the children's heads. And when he had smeared the stone with their blood, life returned to it, and Faithful John stood once more safe and healthy before him. He said to the King, "Thy truth shall not go unrewarded," and took the heads of the children, put them on again, and rubbed the wounds with their blood, on which they became whole again immediately, and jumped about, and went on playing as if nothing had happened.
1. How long has John been able to do that? Could he have brought himself back to life all this time? Has he just been messing with them? Or should we be saying 'crazy magic powers and blood-lust, this is a demon'?
2. And the kids didn't notice the bloodstains on their clothes...?
Then the King was full of joy, and when he saw the Queen coming he hid Faithful John and the two children in a great cupboard. When she entered, he said to her, "Hast thou been praying in the church?" - "Yes," answered she, "but I have constantly been thinking of Faithful John and what misfortune has befallen him through us." Then said he, "Dear wife, we can give him his life again, but it will cost us our two little sons, whom we must sacrifice." The Queen turned pale, and her heart was full of terror, but she said, "We owe it to him, for his great fidelity." Then the King was rejoiced that she thought as he had thought, and went and opened the cupboard, and brought forth Faithful John and the children, and said, "God be praised, he is delivered, and we have our little sons again also," and told her how everything had occurred. Then they dwelt together in much happiness until their death.
Why no, let's not tell our wife straight away that she doesn't have to worry, everything is all right. now that we've traumatised our children, let's traumatise the woman we're meant to adore as well!!!!
No idea why he does that, except maybe to prove she would have made the same choice. And somehow the children as still not bothered.
As I said - one of my favorites despite the randomness and the plot holes.
Once Upon A Time...
There is something about that phrase, isn't there? We want to groan - it's so cliche, but at the same time it means that something quintessentially magic is about to happen.
I have loved fairytales since I was tiny - I can't even remember when I first started reading them. My grandparents had a collection of the most amazing anthologies of fairytales - not just your standard Grimms Fairytales Everyone Knows Because Disney Made Them Into Movies, but gorgeous odd things from all over the world - fantastical and sometimes terrifying. I adored those books and would spend my holidays with my grandparents visiting them like old friends.
At the same time, I was (and still am) something of a literalist. For instance: when I saw Home Alone - I worried about the repercussions of Alvin spending his father's money, in Annie I was trying to figure out exactly how many bottles of alcohol one would need to fill a bath, and in Bambi I actually seriously was concerned for the ecological implications of the forest fire. I grew up, after all, without Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. My parents felt these traditions were - in fact - lying (as, let's face it, they are) and so were always quite honest about the fact that fairies don't exist, Santa isn't real, and no - there is no magical tooth-dealing system, we just give you money.
And so - here in this blog I intend to bring the two things together to create a literalist's commentary on Fairy Tales. It will be split up into the following sections: the Fairytale Review section - where I review a fairytale with literal commentary and include any odd bits and pieces about origins and symbolism that I find appropriate; the Conversation, or What They Should Have Said section - where I explore a mock impression of how some of those awkward moments might have gone, like how the Prince in Snow White explained his reasons for wanting a dead girl's body to her dwarf friends; the This Week's Survival Lesson section - where I see what lessons we can learn from fairytales, such as when it is a good idea and when it is a bad idea to listen to creepy old ladies; and the Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That?? section which is a basic hodgepodge of moronic moments, interesting side characters or Really Surprisingly Disturbing Things To Happen Considering This Is For Children.
Apart from this, I will also link to other fairytale related site, and occasionally review plays, movies, novels or even webcomics. I hope you enjoy the ride and can share my amusement and adoration of these curious odd and wonderful stories.
I have loved fairytales since I was tiny - I can't even remember when I first started reading them. My grandparents had a collection of the most amazing anthologies of fairytales - not just your standard Grimms Fairytales Everyone Knows Because Disney Made Them Into Movies, but gorgeous odd things from all over the world - fantastical and sometimes terrifying. I adored those books and would spend my holidays with my grandparents visiting them like old friends.
At the same time, I was (and still am) something of a literalist. For instance: when I saw Home Alone - I worried about the repercussions of Alvin spending his father's money, in Annie I was trying to figure out exactly how many bottles of alcohol one would need to fill a bath, and in Bambi I actually seriously was concerned for the ecological implications of the forest fire. I grew up, after all, without Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. My parents felt these traditions were - in fact - lying (as, let's face it, they are) and so were always quite honest about the fact that fairies don't exist, Santa isn't real, and no - there is no magical tooth-dealing system, we just give you money.
And so - here in this blog I intend to bring the two things together to create a literalist's commentary on Fairy Tales. It will be split up into the following sections: the Fairytale Review section - where I review a fairytale with literal commentary and include any odd bits and pieces about origins and symbolism that I find appropriate; the Conversation, or What They Should Have Said section - where I explore a mock impression of how some of those awkward moments might have gone, like how the Prince in Snow White explained his reasons for wanting a dead girl's body to her dwarf friends; the This Week's Survival Lesson section - where I see what lessons we can learn from fairytales, such as when it is a good idea and when it is a bad idea to listen to creepy old ladies; and the Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That?? section which is a basic hodgepodge of moronic moments, interesting side characters or Really Surprisingly Disturbing Things To Happen Considering This Is For Children.
Apart from this, I will also link to other fairytale related site, and occasionally review plays, movies, novels or even webcomics. I hope you enjoy the ride and can share my amusement and adoration of these curious odd and wonderful stories.
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