I know I promised you Cinderella – oh, I don’t know – four years ago now? I did write half the review, drew the conclusion that Cinderella’s stepfamily were terrified of her witch-like powers, and promptly lost, forgot, and otherwise reneged on my word. It’s been a very busy few years for me. I’ve finished my studies extramurally which may perhaps explain why writing up reviews of fairytales on my blog was not my top priority for a while there. I moved countries and jobs and through this all I have never lost my adoration for the simple pleasure of the absurdity and joy found in a fairy tale. So here we are once again.
Today’s story is absolutely epic in my opinion. It’s one of the lesser-well-known stories and not technically from the Grimms coda, instead coming from AT type 711, the beautiful and the ugly twin, and collected by Asbjørnsen and Moe. Curiously when it comes to this type of story – the ugly twin is rarely evil. Perhaps there is some inherent magic in being a twin, perhaps it is a testament to the close filial relationship. Either way – as will be covered in my next Survival Guide posting – sometimes there are exceptions to the general rule that ugly siblings are always evil. Similar stories include Kate Crackernuts (a story I also intend to review as it is also absolutely awesome), and Prince Lindworm – a slightly darker 19th century tale where the snake sibling eats a bunch of girls because they don’t want to marry a snake. :D
Anyway, on with the story!
Once upon a time there was a king and a queen who had no children, and that made the queen very sad. She seldom had a happy hour. She was always crying and complaining, and saying how dull and lonesome it was in the palace. "If we had children there would be life enough," she said.
Okay, I assume from where the issue goes from here that they are barren. So why not adopt? Why does no one adopt in these stories? It’s a viable option, people. You live in a society that pretty much condemns parent-less children to die in wildernesses, or at least to wander around getting into trouble in candy huts or drinking from animal footprints and turning into deer! ALSO it’s a fairytale tenant that even evil children are at worst merely stubborn or a little bit rude or perhaps a bit selfish. No fairytale parent was ever murdered by their child without first thoroughly deserving it. So what is the excuse of this king and queen? She wants children around her palace so much? House a few of the homeless! Don’t go out and wish for a thumb-tall or hedgehog shaped child.
Wherever she went in all her realm she found God's blessing in children, even in the poorest hut. And wherever she went she heard women scolding their children, and saying how they had done this and that wrong. The queen heard all this, and thought it would be so nice to do as other women did.
Literalist problem no. 1: Really? The queen just spent her time wandering around the houses of the poor listening to them scolding their children and wishing for the day when her own child would annoy her enough that she could scold it too? Really? Why does royalty never rule in these stories? It’s almost like the people who made them up had a vague and very romantic idea of what it meant to be a Royal.
At last the king and queen took into their palace an adopted girl to raise, that they might always have her with them, to love her if she did well, and scold her if she did wrong, like their own child.
Boy do I stand corrected. I thought about changing my comment above when I read this, but in all fairness it was my reaction as I read (even though I’ve read this story before, I obviously forgot this part) so it stands. Here we are, a lovely example of a sensible reaction from the Queen and King. Though I’m disturbed by the implication that this couple intends to only love the child if she does well. I mean it’s a child. You can’t tell a child ‘We love you while you’re good, darling. But when you make mistakes Mommy and Daddy hate you with the burning passion of a thousand writers being reminded that 50 Shades of Grey is a best seller’.
One day the little girl whom they had taken as their own, ran down into the palace yard, and was playing with a golden apple. Just then an old beggar woman came by, who had a little girl with her, and it wasn't long before the little girl and the beggar's child were great friends, and began to play together, and to toss the golden apple about between them.
AWWW. This is ADORABLE. I now wholeheartedly LOVE this adopted child – who needs a name. Beth. Beth is a sweetheart. I mean she might have come from a poorer family herself which would explain her lack of social prejudice, but either way this shows a wonderful sense of equality and acceptance in a little princess! And the beggar girl gets huge marks as well since she apparently is totally comfortable in a palace yard playing catch with a golden apple (there’s that princess-y adoration of gold again) and that takes a lot of guts. Let’s call the beggar girl Charlotte. Charlotte and Beth. BFFs.
When the queen saw this, as she sat at a window in the palace, she tapped on the pane for her foster daughter to come up. She went at once, but the beggar girl went up too; and as they went into the queen's apartment, each held the other by the hand.
AWWWWWW. Geeze. That’s amazingly cute. :D Lookit them all small and best friends and holding hands and excuse me while I squeal. Even literalists are sometimes overcome by the cute.
Then the queen began to scold the little lady, and to say, "You ought to be above running about and playing with a tattered beggar's brat." And she started to drive the girl down the stairs.
Whoah now. Don’t you disrespect Beth’s friend.
"If the queen only knew my mother's power, she'd not drive me out," said the little girl; and when the queen asked what she meant more plainly, she told her how her mother could get her children if she chose. The queen wouldn't believe it, but the girl insisted, and said that every word of it was true, and asked the queen only to try and make her mother do it. So the queen sent the girl down to fetch up her mother.
I have mixed feelings about this conversation. On one hand – BOOYAH. Go Charlotte! Stand up to the queen and make her understand Rule no. 5 in fairytale survival – NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR APPEARANCES EVER (except if it’s a pretty girl who is a youngest sister cos then she’s fine). On the other hand – this demonstrates a lot of knowledge from Charlotte. I suppose one could assume that since the Queen kept moaning about wanting children and kept going on and on about it and going around spying on people to watch the kids… uh… which is kinda creepy now I think about it… Anyway, considering all that I suppose it’s not too far-fetched that everyone would know that the Queen is baby mad. Still, it’s a bit odd that Charlotte’s first reaction to being driven away from the palace (surely not something that would come as any great surprise to her considering the socio-political state of a monarchistic regime) is to offer the Queen a baby. I mean… Charlotte is just a child. It makes me suspect that she’s something of a fairy underneath all that innocence.
Also – Charlotte! What are you thinking? Beth LIVES here! If the Queen gets a kid of her own what on earth will happen to Beth? D: Protect your BFF’s interests! This kind of thing is the stuff Royal Assassinations, Murders and Wars are made of!
"Do you know what your daughter says?" asked the queen of the old woman, as soon as ever she came into the room.
No, the beggar woman knew nothing about it.
"Well, she says you can get me children if you will," answered the queen.
"Queens shouldn't listen to beggar girls' silly stories," said the old woman, and walked out of the room.
Which, you know, is an excellent point in the Beggar Woman’s favour. The Queen really shouldn’t have listened to Charlotte.
Then the queen got angry, and wanted again to drive out the little girl; but she declared it was true every word that she had said.
"Let the queen only give my mother something to drink," said the girl; "when she gets tipsy she'll soon find out a way to help you."
Colour me impressed. So not only was Charlotte only giving the queen part of the information she needed, but she managed to stay in the palace with her BFF Beth while the Queen investigated? No doubt solidifying the friendship of a lifetime? And then when an angry Queen (a Queen, mind) comes back to scold her she’s just all ‘Huh? Oh. No. Mom’s gotta be drunk. Sheesh.’
The queen was ready to try this; so the beggar woman was fetched up again, and treated with as much wine and mead as she wanted; and so it was not long before her tongue began to wag. Then the queen came out again with the same question she had asked before.
Awww. :( So many sad things in this from Charlotte knowing that her mom drinks too much through to the beggar woman only being able to do magic when drunk. That’s really sad.
"Perhaps I know one way to help you," said the beggar woman. "Your majesty must make them bring in two pails of water some evening before you go to bed. Wash yourself in each of them, and afterwards throw the water under your bed. When you look under your bed the next morning, two flowers will have sprung up, a beautiful one and an ugly one. Eat the beautiful one but leave the ugly alone. Be careful not to forget this last bit of advice." That was what the beggar woman said.
Okay – a little note on fairytale warnings. If a magic being tells you, say: ‘Go to the cabin in the woods and draw three pails of water from the well behind it. Bathe in the first pail and drink the second but make sure you throw the last over the tree at the back of the property for if you don’t a bear will eat you alive’ then the main character will generally do as the magic being says because we don’t want them eaten by a bear. However if it is phrased: ‘Go to the cabin in the woods and draw three pails of water from the well behind it. Bathe in the first pail and drink the second but make sure you throw the last over the tree at the back of the property,’ and there is no explanation as to WHY, the main character will be overcome with a powerful thirst and drink both pails of water and end up with diamond skin or an invisible head or the ability to hear animals or something similar. It’s not dissimilar to the rule that if a character explains their plan in a movie or tv show then the plan will fail, but if they say ‘I have a plan’ and the camera cuts to later then the plan will most likely succeed.
What I’m driving at is that we already know the Queen will eat both flowers just because the beggar woman didn’t say what would happen if she did.
Yes, the queen did what the beggar woman advised her to do; she had the water brought up in two pails, washed herself in them, and emptied them under the bed;
The last part is just so hilarious to me. Can you imagine the king watching this? Okay honey – you’re bathing in our chambers tonight? That’s a bit unusual. Okay. Uh… Uh… did you just pour water under our bed? Honey? Under our bed?? It will warp the floorboards!
and when she looked under the bed the next morning, there stood two flowers; one was ugly and foul, and had black leaves; but the other was so bright, and fair, and lovely, she had never seen anything like it, so she ate it up at once. But the pretty flower tasted so sweet, that she couldn't help herself. She ate the other one too, for, she thought, "I'm sure that it can't hurt or help me much either way."
SEE???? An interesting side note is that generally speaking the repercussions for disobeying this type of warning are usually not dire. Your hair turns into gold, you end up with an ugly but oddly useful child, you find gold under your pillow, you can understand creatures… It’s a very specific kind of warning though and is always to do with magical items like touching magic water or eating the liver of a magical bird. This doesn’t apply to warnings from your husband not to look in his cellar.
Well, sure enough, after a while the queen was brought to bed. First of all, she had a girl who had a wooden spoon in her hand, and rode upon a goat. She was disgusting and ugly, and the very moment she came into the world she bawled out "Mamma."
I’m sorry, I refuse to believe that a child who can speak from birth and is born riding a magical steed and holding a weapon is not the most amazing thing ever.
"If I'm your mamma," said the queen, "God give me grace to mend my ways."
Good god. There’s a reason this woman was never meant to have children.
"Oh, don't be sorry," said the girl on the goat, "for one will soon come after me who is better looking."
:( It’s kind of sad that Tatterhood (yes, this is the title character and yes that’s all the name she gets, remember Survival guide #1 for this) is so blasé about her mother’s obvious disgust. Even from birth she obviously recognised that her mother was rather shallow and not very bright and she was just going to have to ignore her.
After a while, the queen had another girl, who was so beautiful and sweet that no one had ever set eyes on such a lovely child. You may be sure that the queen was very well pleased. The elder twin they called "Tatterhood," because she was always so ugly and ragged, and because she had a hood which hung about her ears in tatters. The queen could hardly bear to look at her. The nurses tried to shut her up in a room by herself, but it did no good. She always had to be where the younger twin was, and no one could ever keep them apart.
So – the legitimate heir to the throne was passed over for her younger twin, but thanks to the fact that her twin was rather attached to her, no one could lock her in a tower for the rest of her life? Fairytale First World Problems, much? And what happened to the queen wanting to raise her children herself and scold them and so forth? Suddenly they need nurses?
Oh, and Beth and Charlotte? Never mentioned again. I like to pretend they ran away together and became badass heroines with Charlotte’s mother who only drinks when she has to do magic. That’s just me. It’s just as possible that Beth is shut up in her room somewhere. Or has been sent away. Or killed. L
One Christmas eve, when they were half grown up,
Remember this.
there arose a frightful noise and clatter in the hallway outside the queen's apartment. Tatterhood asked what it was that was making such a noise outside.
"Oh," said the queen, "it isn't worth asking about."
But Tatterhood wouldn't give in until she found out all about it; and so the queen told her it was a pack of trolls and witches who had come there to celebrate Christmas.
I keep imagining the queen as a sort of royal Mrs Bennett. Kind of nervous and prone to nagging and rather shallow and totally wrapped up in the lives of her children even though she plays obvious favourites and is supremely conscious of her social position. I love this, though. Not only does the Queen try to fob off her obviously insanely clever child (came out of the womb able to ride and speaking in full sentences!) with a very bad excuse, but she also apparently lets trolls and witches inhabit the castle for Christmas. Why? Are they family members?
So Tatterhood said that she would just go out and drive them away. In spite of all they could say, and however much they begged and asked her to leave the trolls alone,
Awww. They do care.
BUT DID THEY CARE ABOUT BETH???
she just had to go out and drive the witches off. She begged the queen to be careful and keep all the doors shut tight, so that not one of them would open the least bit.
Again, note that this is a threat/warning with no reason given. Now, what does that mean, class? Yes! It means it won’t be followed!
Having said this, off she went with her wooden spoon, and began to hunt out and drive away the hags. All the while there was such a commotion out in the gallery that the like of it had never before been heard. The whole palace creaked and groaned as if every joint and beam were going to be torn out of its place.
Okay, Beth aside, I love Tatterhood. Can you blame me? She’s amazing! She’s half-grown here, which I assume to mean between 8 and 9 since fairytales tend to take 16 and 18 as a good indication of adult-hood. However she still manages to drive off a party of witches and trolls so scary that not even all her mother’s guards and soldiers were able to take them on. Not only that but she knows better than the adults and she KNOWS that she does. She’s the one making them all promise to keep the doors closed as though they were children.
Now I can't say exactly what happened; but somehow or other one door did open a little bit, and her twin sister just peeped out to see how things were going with Tatterhood, and put her head a tiny bit through the opening.
Twin is rather a darling. Let’s call her Abigail. Abigail is the only one who seems to really love Tatterhood (remember, it’s only because they’re so close that the nurses weren’t able to lock Tatterhood away in a tower forever) and she’s the one who worries about her sister with all the commotion going on and tries to check on her. Also, she’s only 8-9 so you can hardly blame her for not listening to her sister’s warnings! It’s the ADULTS who should have been protecting her. Or – I don’t know – giving her sister a hand.
But, pop! up came an old witch, and whipped off her head, and stuck a calf's head on her shoulders instead; and so the princess ran back into the room on all fours, and began to "moo" like a calf.
I kind of like that the story basically owns the fact that the princess is now a calf because she has a calf-head. It’s quite a cool touch. However, what? What the what? Was the witch just waiting for this to happen like she’s playing a game of Whackamole? Hovering near the door waiting for a person to pop up so she could switch their head with Random Barn Animal? Actually that’s a good idea for a variant of Whackamole. Game app makers, take note.
When Tatterhood came back and saw her sister, she scolded them all, and was very angry because they hadn't kept better watch, and asked them what they thought of their carelessness now that her sister had been turned into a calf.
I love that Tatterhood has everyone so cowed. I can imagine this little princess stomping up and down in front of this group of courtiers – ‘Didn’t I tell you to keep the doors closed?’ ‘Yes princess.’ ‘Why did I tell you that?’ ‘Because there are trolls outside, princess.’ ‘And what happened??’ ‘Abigail was turned into a calf, princess.’ ‘Aren’t you all ashamed???’ ‘Yes, princess.’
"But I'll see if I can't set her free," she said.
Then she asked the king for a ship with a full set of sails and good load of stores, but she would not have a captain or any sailors. No; she would sail away with her sister all alone. There was no holding her back, and at last they let her have her own way.
Literalist problem no. 2 – even though this story is so gloriously BAMF that I can barely bring myself to doubt it and instead run most of this awesome insanity through a filter of ‘Because Tatterhood Is Awesome’. Okay. So the King is alive? Great! I was beginning to wonder, what with his wife looking to lock away his heir and letting evil magical fiends take over the palace during Christmas and all. Is he really going to allow his only children to set sail in a ship with no crew? How does anyone expect an 8-year old to sail a ship? She’s not old enough for one thing, and for another I really don’t think you can man (woman, whatever) a ship with a ‘full set of sails’ with only one person. And how is she going to find her way? I mean she’s never done this before, has she? Does she know how to navigate? And everyone just goes along with it because – what? She’s stubborn? She rides a goat? She’s a Capricorn?
Tatterhood sailed off, and steered her ship right up to the land where the witches lived.
HOW DID SHE FIND THIS??
When she came to the landing place, she told her sister to stay quite still on board the ship; but she herself rode on her goat up to the witches' castle. When she got there, one of the windows in the gallery was open, and there she saw her sister's head hung up on the window frame; so she jumped her goat through the window into the gallery, snapped up the head, and set off with it.
That goat is epic. Also – does it creep anyone else out that the witches obviously have a set system in place for what happens to the heads they steal? Or that the head is still just fine and not – dead or rotting or… you know… dead? Even Star Trek couldn’t manage to keep Spock’s body alive indefinitely without his brain, and that’s Star Trek. These people are keeping a head alive with a picture frame!
The witches came after her to try to get the head back. They flocked around her as thick as a swarm of bees or a nest of ants. The goat snorted and puffed, and butted with his horns, and Tatterhood beat and banged them about with her wooden spoon; and so the pack of witches had to give up. So Tatterhood got back to her ship, took the calf's head off her sister, and put her own on again, and then she became a girl as she had been before. After that she sailed a long, long way, to a strange king's realm.
Tatterhood and her Goat – more than a match for a lot of witches. About a beeswarm or antnest amount, in fact. She’s eight, people. Remember that.
She’s also either a master surgeon or magically powerful considering she removed a cow’s head from her sister’s body and returned her own head without killing her sister. One could suppose it’s a little like the hearts from Once Upon a Time (can anyone really explain how those work? They make no consistent sense) but even so, that still implies magic as even if the head will return on its own she still had to REMOVE the calf head.
One should probably note that it’s likely when the story says ‘long long way’ it also means ‘long long time’ considering what happens next is otherwise rather inappropriate for an eight year old. So in my head canon Tatterhood and Abigail decided not to return to their mother because she was a bit trying and instead became explorers and adventurers.
Now the king of this land was a widower, and had an only son. When he saw the strange sail, he sent messengers down to the beach to find out where it came from, and who owned it; but when the king's men came down there, the only person they saw on board was Tatterhood, and there she was, riding around and around the deck on her goat at full speed, until her strands of hair streamed in the wind. The men from the palace were all amazed at this sight, and asked if more people were not on board. Yes, there were; she had a sister with her, said Tatterhood. They wanted to see her too, but Tatterhood said no.
I bet they played this trick on every country they came to. Abigail would hide, giggling into her pirate bandana while Tatterhood rode around and acted crazy. Then with the element of surprise she drops from above like a ninja princess and Tatterhood turns into the one-woman-army we know she is. Victory is theirs.
"No one shall see her, unless the king comes himself," she said; and so she began to gallop about on her goat until the deck thundered again.
One has to admire her economy of spirit. She knows that just riding around an empty ship on a goat is enough not only to pique curiosity but also to scare people enough that they won’t just try to force the issue. In fact, this is probably missing from General Sun Tsu’s Art of War: ‘When in doubt of your enemy, ride a goat. It fucks with their heads.’
When the servants got back to the palace, and told what they had seen and heard down at the ship, the king wanted to set out at once to see the girl that rode on the goat. When he arrived there, Tatterhood brought out her sister, and she was so beautiful and gentle that the king immediately fell head over heels in love with her.
I like that Tatterhood is obviously looking out for her sister here. No man is good enough except the king himself! Also, how OLD is this King and where is his wife??
He brought them both back with him to the palace, and wanted to have the sister for his queen; but Tatterhood said "No," the king couldn't have her in any way, unless the king's son would take Tatterhood.
Hell yes, Tatterhood! You stick up for yourself!
No, seriously, how old is this guy? Did he just age in a Harrison Ford/Clint Eastwood/Richard Gere/Hugh Jackman/Martin Shaw sort of way so it doesn’t matter?
That, as you may guess, the prince did not want to do at all, because Tatterhood was such an ugly hussy.
Okay. Dude. She’s an heir to a throne. She is magic. She is a one-woman army. She’s insanely practical and clever. And you don’t want to marry her because she isn’t pretty? Hussy is a bit strong, don’t you think?
However, at last the king and all the others in the palace talked him into it, and he gave in, promising to take her for his queen; but it went sore against his grain, and he was a very sad man.
Boo hoo.
Now they began making preparations for the wedding, both with brewing and baking; and when all was ready, they went to church. The prince thought it the worst church service he had ever been to in all his life. The king left first with his bride, and she was so lovely and so grand, all the people stopped to look at her along the road, and they stared at her until she was out of sight. After them came the prince on horseback by the side of Tatterhood, who trotted along on her goat with her wooden spoon in her fist. To look at him, he was not going to a wedding, but to a burial, and his own at that. He seemed so sad, and did not speak a word.
You could learn from Gawain, Prince Sam. He at least didn’t want to upset the less-than-beautiful Lady Ragnall. He was nice about it. You’re being a dick.
"Why don't you talk?" asked Tatterhood, when they had ridden a bit.
"Why, what should I talk about?" answered the prince.
Ooooo. That’s just rude.
"Well, you might at least ask me why I ride upon this ugly goat," said Tatterhood.
"Why do you ride on that ugly goat?" asked the prince.
"Is it an ugly goat? Why, it's the most beautiful horse that a bride ever rode," answered Tatterhood; and in an instant the goat became a horse, the finest that the prince had ever seen.
Yeah, she’s magic. Though I really liked the goat. :(
They rode on a bit further, but the prince was just as sad as before, and couldn't say a word. So Tatterhood asked him again why he didn't talk, and when the prince answered, he didn't know what to talk about, she said, "Well, you can ask me why I ride with this ugly spoon in my fist."
"Why do you ride with that ugly spoon?" asked the prince.
"Is it an ugly spoon? Why, it's the loveliest silver fan that a bride ever carried," said Tatterhood; and in an instant it became a silver fan, so bright that it glistened.
No! The magic spoon! Why are you changing her, prince?? I liked her the way she was!! Also, dude. If I were you I would have gotten the hint by now and followed that with a question about her clothes and her beauty. Do you really need to be coached into this?
They rode a little way further, but the prince was still just as sad, and did not say a word. In a little while Tatterhood asked him again why he didn't talk, and told him to ask why she wore the ugly gray hood on her head.
"Why do you wear that ugly gray hood on your head?" asked the prince.
"Is it an ugly hood? Why, it's the brightest golden crown that a bride ever wore," answered Tatterhood, and it became a crown at once.
But the hood was such a good disguise and such great camouflage! D:
Now they rode a long way further, and the prince was so sad, that he sat without making a sound or uttering a word, just as before.
Because he can’t get a hint.
So his bride asked him again why he didn't talk, and told him to ask now why her face was so ugly and gray?
Her skin was grey? That’s the only thing that makes her ‘ugly’? Really? You guys suck.
"Yes," asked the prince, "why is your face so ugly and gray?"
"Am I ugly? You think my sister beautiful, but I am ten times more beautiful," said the bride, and when the prince looked at her, she was so beautiful, he thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. After that it was no wonder that the prince found his tongue, and no longer rode along with his head hanging down.
Shallow prat.
Okay, so I get that he didn’t want to marry this madwoman who turned up out of the blue making weird bargains with his father. It’s kind of fair and shows a certain amount of sense on his part. Often if an ugly, obviously magical woman makes a deal with a king that lets the king have a beautiful bride there’s something seriously weird going on and swans may be in someone’s future. However, she’s been staying in his house and she’s a down-to-earth practical woman who is really fun and brave and interesting and I’m sure her sister boosted her to him so in my opinion since he agreed to marry her he could at least do so in good grace.
So they drank the bridal cup both deep and long, and, after that, both prince and king set out with their brides to the princesses' palace, and there they had another bridal feast, and drank once more, both deep and long. There was no end to the celebration. Now run quickly to the king's palace, and there will still be a drop of the bridal ale left for you.
Yeah – I’m always a little worried by the ‘and the wedding never ended’ ends to fairytales. WHO IS RUNNING THE KINGDOM??
Whatever happened to Beth? Do the twins ever go home to visit? Does the beggar woman ever get to a position in her life where she doesn’t have to drink to solve her problems? How old is the King? Why on earth was Tatterhood born holding a wooden spoon and riding a goat??
