Okay, so I was going to methodically work my way through my Grimms book of tales, but I decided that was really just to constraining. And I was looking up this fairy tale for reference for the web-comic I'm working on with my sister-in-law Alina, as I used Trembling and Pale (Fair) as names for Beauty's sisters. Upon reading the story I realised that it very very badly needed to be on my blog, and so here goes!
Fair Brown and Trembling is a Cinderella-type story from Ireland. The version I have here was collected by Joseph Jacobs, and it's ATT 510A - Persecuted Heroine, and is one of the most freakishly ridiculous versions of this type I have ever read. I got the text from the ever amazing SurLaLune website.
Watch and see:
The Story
KING Aedh Cœrucha lived in Tir Conal, and he had three daughters, whose names were Fair, Brown, and Trembling.
King Aedh is never mentioned again. Why we are so specific about who he is when he appears in only the first sentence I don't know, but it might be a similar reason as to why Hugo spent 80 pages of Les Miserables on the Bishop of Digne when said Bishop was destined to hand over silver and die shortly afterwards, never to reappear.
Fair and Brown had new dresses, and went to church every Sunday. Trembling was kept at home to do the cooking and work. They would not let her go out of the house at all; for she was more beautiful than the other two, and they were in dread she might marry before themselves.
Two points here. Two Literalist Problems. #1 - They're a royal family and they have no servants, instead they get one of the royal princesses to do all the work and their father doesn't give a damn.
#2 - Unlike in most stories of this type (One Eye, Two Eyes and Three Eyes, etc) the names mean absolutely nothing. Here is an exception to the Name rule. Fair isn't all that fair, Brown isn't brown as far as the story goes, and Trembling doesn't seem to do much in the way of - well - shaking. So WHY did a King with a perfectly good Celtic name call his kids such odd names?
They carried on in this way for seven years. At the end of seven years the son of the king of Omanya fell in love with the eldest sister.
That's right folks, Daddy dearest took no interest in the enslavement of his daughter for not a week, not a few months, but seven years.
One Sunday morning, after the other two had gone to church, the old henwife came into the kitchen to Trembling, and said, "It's at church you ought to be this day, instead of working here at home."
It took her seven years to come to this startling conclusion.
"How could I go?" said Trembling. "I have no clothes good enough to wear at church; and if my sisters were to see me there, they'd kill me for going out of the house."
"I'll give you," said the henwife, "a finer dress than either of them has ever seen. And now tell me what dress will you have?"
"I'll have," said Trembling, "a dress as white as snow, and green shoes for my feet."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, clipped a piece from the old clothes the young woman had on, and asked for the whitest robes in the world and the most beautiful that could be found, and a pair of green shoes.
That cloak of darkness the henwife has? Never ever explained. How did a Henwife have a cloak of darkness that gives you anything you want? Why hasn't she used it before to either help Trembling or... I don't know... Not Be A Henwife Anymore? Does she have an affinity for egg-laying birds?
That moment she had the robe and the shoes, and she brought them to Trembling, who put them on.
How - did the Cloak of Darkness know Trembling's size?
When Trembling was dressed and ready, the henwife said, "I have a honey-bird here to sit on your right shoulder, and a honey-finger to put on your left. At the door stands a milk-white mare, with a golden saddle for you to sit on, and a golden bridle to hold in your hand."
I really want to know what a honey-finger is. And how it stays on your shoulder because I'm imagining a biscuit of some kind, and that would fall off. (For my American readers: A biscuit in New Zealand is a cookie.) Okay I googled it and surprisingly someone asked that question on Yahoo Answers. Referenced this fairytale and all. The replies varied between 'That sounds dirty' and 'It's an instrument used to get honey out of a jar'. No comment on the first (People. It's a FAIRY tale. PG. PG. PG!!!) As for the second, I'm thinking that's not likely. It would a. fall off and b. look really awfully comical.
Trembling sat on the golden saddle; and when she was ready to start, the henwife said, "You must not go inside the door of the church, and the minute the people rise up at the end of mass, do you make off, and ride home as fast as the mare will carry you."
Here's a tip, readers. Usually in a fairytale when a person giving you something warns you n ot to go in a church and/or pray, this is not a good sign. Usually. Jus' saying.
When Trembling came to the door of the church there was no one inside who could get a glimpse of her but was striving to know who she was; and when they saw her hurrying away at the end of mass, they ran out to overtake her. But no use in their running; she was away before any man could come near her. From the minute she left the church till she got home, she overtook the wind before her, and outstripped the wind behind.
She came down at the door, went in, and found the henwife had dinner ready. She put off the white robes, and had on her old dress in a twinkling.
Literalist Problem #3: Whatever do they do with these damn dresses? It seems like after a few ATT510A stories, there would be a wardrobe of impossibly beautiful worn-only-once-by-princess-married-to-crown-prince-now-because-of-improbable-shoe dresses on sale.
When the two sisters came home the henwife asked, "Have you any news today from the church?"
"We have great news," said they. "We saw a wonderful, grand lady at the church door. The like of the robes she had we have never seen on woman before. It's little that was thought of our dresses beside what she had on; and there wasn't a man at the church, from the king to the beggar, but was trying to look at her and know who she was."
The sisters would give no peace till they had two dresses like the robes of the strange lady; but honey-birds and honey-fingers were not to be found.
Here's why I don't think a honey-finger is baking or they spoon-like implement used for removing honey from a jar. Logically, my darling readers, is it likely they wouldn't be able to find either of those?
Next Sunday the two sisters went to church again, and left the youngest at home to cook the dinner.
After they had gone, the henwife came in and asked, "Will you go to church today?"
"I would go," said Trembling, "if I could get the going."
I also find it odd how these heroines never really seem to catch on that their godmother/henwife figures are indeed going to help them get the dress, shoes, horse/carriage and prince. It's always the same reply: Are you going to the ball? No, no, I don't have a dress! ....Cinders. I gave you one for the last ball and the one before that, have you actually... you know... figured it out that I'm here to help yet?
"What robe will you wear?" asked the henwife.
"The finest black satin that can be found, and red shoes for my feet."
"What color do you want the mare to be?"
"I want her to be so black and so glossy that I can see myself in her body."
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, and asked for the robes and the mare. That moment she had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left. The saddle on the mare was silver, and so was the bridle.
See? The cloak of darkness makes HORSES. WHY is this woman a Henwife??
When Trembling sat in the saddle and was going away, the henwife ordered her strictly not to go inside the door of the church, but to rush away as soon as the people rose at the end of mass, and hurry home on the mare before any man could stop her.
That Sunday the people were more astonished than ever, and gazed at her more than the first time; and all they were thinking of was to know who she was. But they had no chance; for the moment the people rose at the end of mass she slipped from the church, was in the silver saddle, and home before a man could stop her or talk to her.
Also the people of the town seem a little dim in that each time she shows up they don't seem to expect it. You'd think by now everyone would be looking at each other and nodding sagely and the old men would be tapping out their pipes, spitting tobacco and going 'Eeeeh, she'll be back twa more times, lads, twa more, 'n then she'll lose a bloody shoe, an' there's no stoppin' eet....'
The henwife had the dinner ready. Trembling took off her satin robe, and had on her old clothes before her sisters got home.
"What news have you today?" asked the henwife of the sisters when they came from the church.
"Oh, we saw the grand strange lady again! And it's little that any man could think of our dresses after looking at the robes of satin that she had on! And all at church, from high to low, had their mouths open, gazing at her, and no man was looking at us."
The two sisters gave neither rest nor peace till they got dresses as nearly like the strange lady's robes as they could find. Of course they were not so good; for the like of those robes could not be found in Erin.
Since, naturally, the Cloak Of Darkness had cornered the market on high fashion in the country. No one would sell through anything else. It put a pinch on the dressmakers and tailors, but what can you do? A cartel is a cartel.
When the third Sunday came, Fair and Brown went to church dressed in black satin. They left Trembling at home to work in the kitchen, and told her to be sure and have dinner ready when they came back.
After they had gone and were out of sight, the henwife came to the kitchen and said, "Well, my dear, are you for church today?"
"I would go if I had a new dress to wear."
"I'll get you any dress you ask for. What dress would you like?" asked the henwife.
You can hear the sigh of impatience there. I bet she sounded out each word carefully so Trembling could understand the import.
"A dress red as a rose from the waist down, and white as snow from the waist up; a cape of green on my shoulders; and a hat on my head with a red, a white, and a green feather in it; and shoes for my feet with the toes red, the middle white, and the backs and heels green."
....
........
Huh???
The henwife put on the cloak of darkness, wished for all these things, and had them. When Trembling was dressed, the henwife put the honey-bird on her right shoulder and the honey-finger on her left, and placing the hat on her head, clipped a few hairs from one lock and a few from another with her scissors, and that moment the most beautiful golden hair was flowing down over the girl's shoulders.
What kind of hair did she have before?? She was the prettiest, right? In fairy-tales that means 'Fair, golden-hair, blue eyes and a size too small for any human woman'. So how come she didn't always have long golden tresses the colour of molten sunshine?
Then the henwife asked what kind of a mare she would ride. She said white, with blue and gold-colored diamond-shaped spots all over her body, on her back a saddle of gold, and on her head a golden bridle.
...see now Trembling is just testing the henwife and her cloak.
The mare stood there before the door, and a bird sitting between her ears, which began to sing as soon as Trembling was in the saddle, and never stopped till she came home from the church.
I don't know about you, but I'd find that annoying. And you see... all those birds, the Henwife is obviously a Henwife because she is an avid ornithologist.
The fame of the beautiful strange lady had gone out through the world, and all the princes and great men that were in it came to church that Sunday, each one hoping that it was himself would have her home with him after mass.
Okay. I have a literalist issue with this. It's been what, three weeks? And... in three weeks time the message of a pretty lady at a church went out around the WHOLE world and was SO fascinating that all the grand men TELEPORTED to Erin? Or possibly swooped in on their flying carpets or enchanted horses because let's face it HOW else did they get there so fast? And who was rulign all the countries while they were sightseeing foreign beauties?
Priorities people.
Priorities.
The son of the king of Omanya forgot all about the eldest sister, and remained outside the church, so as to catch the strange lady before she could hurry away.
That. Is. Just. Mean. I mean she has every prince in the world there and she HAS to have the guy who was courting her sister? WHY? Poor Fair!
And Trembling wonders why her sisters kept her at home.
The church was more crowded than ever before, and there were three times as many outside. There was such a throng before the church that Trembling could only come inside the gate.
As soon as the people were rising at the end of mass, the lady slipped out through the gate, was in the golden saddle in an instant, and sweeping away ahead of the wind. But if she was, the prince of Omanya was at her side, and, seizing her by the foot, he ran with the mare for thirty perches, and never let go of the beautiful lady till the shoe was pulled from her foot, and he was left behind with it in his had. She came home as fast as the mare could carry her, and was thinking all the time that the henwife would kill her for losing the shoe.
Foolish child. She can get another one with her Cloak of Darkess, why should she care?
Seeing her so vexed and so changed in the face, the old woman asked, "What's the trouble that's on you now?"
"Oh! I've lost one of the shoes off my feet," said Trembling.
"Don't mind that; don't be vexed," said the henwife; "maybe it's the best thing that ever happened to you."
FORESHADOWING.
Then Trembling gave up all the things she had to the henwife, put on her old clothes, and went to work in the kitchen. When the sisters came home, the henwife asked, "Have you any news from the church?"
"We have indeed," said they; "for we saw the grandest sight today. The strange lady came again, in grander array than before. On herself and the horse she rode were the finest colors of the world, and between the ears of the horse was a bird which never stopped singing from the time she came till she went away. The lady herself is the most beautiful woman ever seen by man in Erin."
...but that bird was the most annoying thing heard in Erin and we all took pot-shots at it with our hymnals.
After Trembling had disappeared from the church, the son of the king of Omanya said to the other kings' sons, "I will have that lady for my own."
They all said, "You didn't win her just by taking the shoe off her foot, you'll have to win her by the point of the sword; you'll have to fight for her with us before you can call her your own."
"Well," said the son of the king of Omanya, "when I find the lady that shoe will fit, I'll fight for her, never fear, before I leave her to any of you."
Okay. So instead of staying with the lady he actually knew, knew the name of, and was courting, instead of staying faithful and true - he decides to run off after a girl he'd seen maybe twice and knew nothing about. Heavens. What a catch.
Then all the kings' sons were uneasy, and anxious to know who was she that lost the shoe; and they began to travel all over Erin to know could they find her. The prince of Omanya and all the others went in a great company together, and made the round of Erin; they went everywhere -- north, south, east, and west. They visited every place where a woman was to be found, and left not a house in the kingdom they did not search, to know could they find the woman the shoe would fit, not caring whether she was rich or poor, of high or low degree.
But they left the king's castle to last firstly because they didn't want to interrupt his 7-year long after-dinner nap, and secondly becuse Omanya-Jerkface was a little embarrassed to go to his girlfriend's house and ask if she had any other women about the place whom he might man-handle a shoe onto and marry. Hey even he has a little tact!
The prince of Omanya always kept the shoe; and when the young women saw it, they had great hopes, for it was of proper size, neither large nor small, and it would beat any man to know of what material it was made. One thought it would fit her if she cut a little from her great toe; and another, with too short a foot, put something in the tip of her stocking. But no use, they only spoiled their feet, and were curing them for months afterwards.
....imagine the state of the shoe.
The two sisters, Fair and Brown, heard that the princes of the world were looking all over Erin for the woman that could wear the shoe, and every day they were talking of trying it on; and one day Trembling spoke up and said, "Maybe it's my foot that the shoe will fit."
How long did this take? Why didn't Trembling just go to them and say 'It's mine'? Why is Fair so blase about her fiance/lover searching about for another girl?
"Oh, the breaking of the dog's foot on you! Why say so when you were at home every Sunday?"
Two points. 1. You know it's not your shoe so why shouldn't Trembling also speculate that it might fit her foot? Theoretically it might fit anyone's foot. 2. ....the... breaking of a....
I'm going to use that.
Next time someone bumps into me on the street, I'll turn and shout 'THE BREAKING OF A DOG'S FOOT ON YOU!'
I may throw in a 'Sirrah'.
They were that way waiting, and scolding the younger sister, till the princes were near the place. The day they were to come, the sisters put Trembling in a closet, and locked the door on her. When the company came to the house, the prince of Omanya gave the shoe to the sisters. But though they tried and tried, it would fit neither of them.
I take it back. He has no tact at all.
And since the story goes on for quite a while, we will make this Part One and continue next time!
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