Ask The Raven - Worried Neighbour

Dear Readers. Here is your chance to have your problems aired to a Raven with all the experience of a Fairy Godmother and the wisdom of a Fox. Ask a Raven is an Agony Aunt column where any problem -real or fictional - can be sent in and will recieve a reply from The Raven with advice based on Fairy Tale Rules. Please Note: If the blog suggests that the reason for your sister looking at you funny after you spilled something on her dress is because she's insanely jealous and wants to turn you into a reed flute - please do not take it seriously. This advice is purely fictional and humourous. Do Not Take It Literally. The writer of this blog takes no responsibility for what may occur.


Here is the first letter from a reader:

“Dear Raven!

Recently I’ve been worried about my neighbour. She doesn’t go outside much and stares at me weird when I talk to her.

I think she is either very shy, or maybe she hates me. What do you think?

A worried neighbour”

Dear Worried Neighbour,

There could be several reasons to this behaviour. A lot of it depends on yourself and on the situation of your neighbour.

Do you grow vegetables in your garden and is your neighbour expecting a child? If so, you may find that she is craving some of your vegetables but fears your reputation/that you are secretly a witch. In this case try offering her some vegetables for free – ones with long vaguely feminine sounding names will do the trick.

Is your neighbour pale and distracted, and does she seem to be getting progressively thinner? If so this is nothing to do with you. She followed the little men and will pine for them until she dies. Try surreptitiously leaving bundles of holly soaked in Holy Water on her step and see if she shrieks and runs away from it. If she does you may have to advise a priest or whoever she used to be in love with. Above all else, don’t wear green to the funeral.

Alternately, have you recently borrowed a scale from your neighbour to measure out the gold you got from a mysterious personification of seasons, months or fortune – or perhaps the wily sale of a cow skin? It your neighbour richer than you? If so then you left a few gold pieces stuck to the scales and she’s wondering how to find out where you got the money and where to get some for herself. Be careful what you do about this, it may culminate in the death of your grandmother – or being thrown into a river in a sack.

Hoping your problems work out,

Raven

Write in! Use comments on this post to start with. If there's a response I'll create an e-mail address for Raven.