Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That??

Oh for heavens...

This is the third time I have tried to write this post now. My blog thinks Faithful John is far far too ridiculous to post in this category obviously. Anyway, typically I will be posting these categories separately, but John dear is proving such a splendid illustration that here is an introduction to all three.

Idiot Prizes:

This prize is going to Prince Fred. Maude got a name, after all. So - yes. Prince Fred. Who is, I think, probably schizophrenic.

Let me put that in perspective.

Fred: I must go into this room which is probably deadly to my health... oh my goodness gracious me, my golly gosh, my blinking bounding blueberries! This picture! I must faint, it is so lovely! I have no doubt the real person this must be of because it could not be imagined at all is no doubt exactly like this picture! I love her and I hear voices from the picture telling me to go and find her! *exit.... on ship with gold!*

Fred: *later* Oh my statue... I must keep you in my rooms for years and talk to you about all my problems... no one must know I do this except Maude. Everyone else is plotting against me but my faithful John, my very very fait.... What's that, Statue? You want me to cut the heads off my children???

Yes, Fred. Yes. Endanger your kingdom's ruling line AND listen to inanimate objects!

Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:

There are a lot of possibilities here, but I gotta say, my favorite is the horse.

Yes, the horse.

That horse turns up out of nowhere with full intent of assassinating a king... a regicidal revolutionary socialistic horse which carried a pistol in it's saddle-bag, no doubt just in case throwing the king off his back didn't get the job done! I want to know more about the horse.

How Disturbing Is That??:

You have to ask? The King kills his children!!! And the children don't seem bothered by it! No 'Hey, daddy killed us, maybe he doesn't love us anymore!' no 'why are our clothes all dirty?' just happily run off playing again with no noticeable trauma...

And the children listening to the tale make mental notes to run away should their father's best friend turn to stone or die.

Not to mention the slaughtering of a horse. Think, John. Think about the young girls in the audience. You just shot Black Beauty. You cut the throat of Flicka. You murdered a My Little Pony. Shame.

Actually - as a side note of interest - in other versions of the tale the three traps are set up by Maude's furious magician father, who also tells Maude and Fred how to restore John. I have to say I prefer this, as it portrays the faithful and kind servant in a much less bloodthirsty light, and actually gives a reason for the random traps. The father afterwards explains this was to 1. punish John for stealing his daughter away; 2. punish Fred for stealing his daughter away by forcing him to live with the knowledge that he killed his friend and 3. punish his daughter for breaking his heart by showing her how hard it is to lose your children.

He also brings the children back to life, so we have no creepy demonic-powers John.

On the other hand, instead of sucking out blood, the last task is frequently to hide behind the bed of the king over his wedding night so that he can fight off a dragon who will appear in the middle of the night.

Yes.

Ew.

Survival Guide #1 Faithful John

This - is a self-explanatory part of the blog. Imagine some day you are wandering over a hill merrily, not noticing what you're doing or where you're going - suddenly catastrophe! You are on the site of a rather in a circle of grass next to a spinney of oak, ash and yew trees!!! Next thing you know, you are in a fairytale - like Enchanted but backwards.

This is where I offer a guide of sorts, illustrated by selected fairy-tales, on how to survive should this most dreaded of events happen. It may seem pleasant, but believe me. There are far far more easy deaths to be had in a fairy-tale than happy-ever-afters. Besides, the level of sacharine sweetness you would have to attain to be guaranteed an eventual happy-ever-after if, quite frankly, impossible for mortal human beings.

So - without further ado - on to part one of the Survival Guide:

Names and what they mean:

Here in Faithful John we get a splendid illustration of how - in some ways at least - fairytales are also very very literal. His name is Faithful John. This means, dear reader that he is Faithful. I know. Shocker, isn't it? This is honestly a very very very good indication of what to expect in fairytales. The only time when you should be wary of taking a person's name at face-value is when it has the word 'simple' in it.

Beware of any name which indicates its owner is a moron. Usually this name is made up by jealous brothers and said 'moron' really is going to any day find a golden goose or fly off on a flying ship.

Anyway! Here are some types of name to look out for:

Personality Characteristics:

Vassila The Valiant
Fernand the Faithful/Fernand the Faithless
Trusty John

These are names where immediately you know what the person is going to be like. IMPORTANT TIP: Do not become travelling companions with people like Fernand the Faithless (real fairytale name. Everyone knew that was his name. Yes.) - it's not exaggeration and it's not an unfortunate slip of their mother's tongue. It is who they are. They will leave you down the bottomless pit to die while they take the magic princess back to the king.

Similarly, if Trusty John tells you something... then believe him.

Physical Characteristics:

Big Hans/Little Hans
Koshei the Deathless
Goldilocks
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Red Riding Hood

Again - yes somehow Red Riding Hood apparently came out of the womb with that cloak on, because that's her name. These names are not as essential to note, as you'll probably get the idea just from looking at the person (except Koshei... he is evil.).

Disguises:

Cap o' Rushes
Katie Woodencloak
Donkeyskin
Bearskin

If a girl is wearing a really really really weird over-garment and her name is something to do with the garment, be polite. She is a disguised princess.

Actions/Deeds/Occupations:

The Brave Little Tailor
Jack the Giant Killer
Katie Crackernuts

Katie cracks nuts, Jack kills giants, and the tailor is a tailor. The nice thing to note here is that you can pretty much bet if you meet someone called Giant Killer - then Giants will abound if you happen to hang out with them. For the sake of your peace of mind, avoid these people.

In conclusion - take note of your friends and enemies and what their names are. It provides a very good hint as to what may happen.

Conversations #1 Faithful John

With Conversations/What They Should Have Said, depending on the fairytale of the moment it will either be conversation I imagine happening off screen or things which the characters said which might have been better put another way (Grandma.... what I'm trying to say is that you're a wolf.). With Faithful John - since it is the prototype and is full of so much crazy, I'm going to present an example of both.

The fairytale review will not necessarily always be the fairytale used for Conversations, or Morals or so forth. For this first batch, though, Faithful John is just too good a source material not to use it as illustration.

Conversations In Faithful John:

#1.
The conversation between Maude (see review for who that is) and her serving girl when said serving girl reports on the funny guy at the well with the pretty gold stuff.

Serving Girl: Ma'am - you won't believe what I...
Princess Maude: Gold?
Serving Girl: Well yes, ma'am, that's what I wanted to tell you ab...
Princess Maude: Gold! Gold!!
Serving Girl: Ma'am - there's a man in the courtyard with some...
Princess Maude: Gold!
Serving Girl: *sigh* Yes ma'am...
Princess Maude: *squeal of delight, runs from the room towards the courtyard*

That, anyway, is how I think it happened. This girl was obsessed with gold and might possibly have secretly been one of Terry Pratchett's dwarves.

#2:

Another possible conversation once the ship has set sail:

Maude: Wait.... we're moving! Oh my goodness we're moving!
Prince: *blinks* Well... yes. We've been moving for - oh, four hours now.
Maude: Why didn't you tell me?
Prince: Ma'am, we're on a frigate. How could you not tell?
Maude: *haughtily* You must want ransom, sir! I tell you, our father will give you what you desire so long as you return me unharmed.
Prince: *looks around chamber full of gold* Um - no. We don't need any more gold...
Maude: *eyes glaze over* Gold!
Prince: Actually, I want to marry you.
Maude: And you thought kidnapping was an appropriate start? Wait! You're a merchant! I can't marry a merchant, you'll sell all my gold!
Prince: No! No no, I'm a king! I'm really a king! The merchant thing was all a ruse to trick you into enterring my ship... so um... I could... um... sail off with you.
Maude: *much suspicion* So I can keep the gold?
Prince: Of course!
Maude: All right then!

Because I figure her only possible reason for not wanting to marry a merchant must have has something to do with that gold. Let's be frank here, princesses are not that picky. Farmboys, tailors, fools, hedgehogs, bears, and bulls. All married with very little complaint.

What They Should Have Said:

#1

Prince: John! I will die if I do not marry this princess! You must help me!
John: Sire - that's stupid.
Prince: How dare you! I love her more than life itself!
John: But you've only just seen her pict *pause* ...I'm going to get the doctors, sire. You'll be all right, I promise. You'll be all right.

#2

Statue: So. Child sacrifice. That's the only way to save me.
Prince: What kind of stupid, evil, amoral cure to a spell is that?
Statue: Eh. That's how the cookie crumbles.
Prince: But you swore to protect me even if it should cost you your life! And suddenly now you want to renege on that and kill my children?
Statue: Welllll...
Prince: I have a new idea! Stonemasons! Turn this statue into a vase!

Because really. Who falls in love with pictures and listens when statues tell them to kill their children? That's a whole new sort of defense in court: 'Your honour, that statue made me do it!'

Fairy Tale Review #1 Faithful John

Or Faithful Johannes or Trusty John or John the True or other versions of similar/almostpracticallyidentical tales include an Italian story 'The Raven' and 'Father Roquelaire', a French version. Most commonly found growing in Grimms Garden or wild through Andrew Lang's retellings - ATT 516 - The Petrified Friend.

Now my idea is to be quite systematic through my Grimms fairytale book actually, but I couldn't start with any other tale than this. This here has been my longtime favorite fairytale since I first read it in Andrew Lang's Blue Fairy Book. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head why I like this story so much - in fact I find the ending shocking and reprehensible (a fun word to use in company, that), but I've always had a liking for tales in which falsely accused characters get to prove their innocence. It's also a splendid introductory story, as we can get something for every category out of it.

The Story - From Grimms

There was once on a time an old king who was ill, and thought to himself, "I am lying on what must be my death-bed." Then said he, " Tell Faithful John to come to me."

I like how he doesn't ask to see his wife and kids or anything. Note that in many versions John's character is the Prince's foster brother - so that might explain it. Still. Harsh.

Faithful John was his favourite servant, and was so called, because he had for his whole life long been so true to him.

This is as oposed to Unfaithful Jack, Sometimes Tardy Ronald, and Jim Who Takes Too Long At Lunch.

When therefore he came beside the bed, the King said to him, "Most faithful John, I feel my end approaching, and have no anxiety except about my son. He is still of tender age, and cannot always know how to guide himself. If thou dost not promise me to teach him everything that he ought to know, and to be his foster-father, I cannot close my eyes in peace."

Then answered Faithful John, "I will not forsake him, and will serve him with fidelity, even if it should cost me my life."

On this, the old King said, "Now I die in comfort and peace."

but he doesn't.

Then he added, "After my death, thou shalt show him the whole castle: all the chambers, halls, and vaults, and all the treasures which lie therein, but the last chamber in the long gallery, in which is the picture of the princess of the Golden Dwelling, shalt thou not show. If he sees that picture, he will fall violently in love with her, and will drop down in a swoon, and go through great danger for her sake, therefore thou must preserve him from that."

And when Faithful John had once more given his promise to the old King about this, the King said no more, but laid his head on his pillow, and died.

Okay - first Literalist Issue: Why does the king keep the picture of the Princess Of the Gold... does the woman have a name? Maude. We will call her Maude. Why does the King keep a picture of Maude in his gallery if seeing her will cause his son so much danger? Is this like Royal Picture Roulette? I mean he's got a special room for this picture, a specific room exactly for the picture no one is meant to see.

This is stupid.


When the old King had been carried to his grave, Faithful John told the young King all that he had promised his father on his deathbed, and said, "This will I assuredly perform, and will be faithful to thee as I have been faithful to him, even if it should cost me my life."

When the mourning was over, Faithful John said to him, "It is now time that thou shouldst see thine inheritance. I will show thee thy father's palace." Then he took him about everywhere, up and down, and let him see all the riches, and the magnificent apartments, only there was one room which he did not open, that in which hung the dangerous picture. The picture was, however, so placed that when the door was opened you looked straight on it, and it was so admirably painted that it seemed to breathe and live, and there was nothing more charming or more beautiful in the whole world.

So not only is there a whole room for this painting, it's organised so that anyone who looks in can't help but see it. And yet despite the danger this threatens no one said 'Hey! the king was really worried about this... let's burn it!'.

The young King, however, plainly remarked that Faithful John always walked past this one door, and said, "Why dost thou never open this one for me?" -

"There is something within it," he replied, "which would terrify thee."

This... is not a wise thing to say, John. Just say 'there's a picture in there which will probably kill you. I'm not sure why we keep it, Sire.' Being mysterious is not helpful.

But the King answered, "I have seen all the palace, and I will know what is in this room also," and he went and tried to break open the door by force.

Then Faithful John held him back and said, "I promised thy father before his death that thou shouldst not see that which is in this chamber, it might bring the greatest misfortune on thee and on me." - "Ah, no," replied the young King, "if I do not go in, it will be my certain destruction. I should have no rest day or night until I had seen it with my own eyes. I shall not leave the place now until thou hast unlocked the door."

This kid respects his father's dying wishes.

Then Faithful John saw that there was no help for it now, and with a heavy heart and many sighs, sought out the key from the great bunch. When he had opened the door, he went in first, and thought by standing before him he could hide the portrait so that the King should not see it in front of him, but what availed that? The King stood on tip-toe and saw it over his shoulder. And when he saw the portrait of the maiden, which was so magnificent and shone with gold and precious stones, he fell fainting to the ground. Faithful John took him up, carried him to his bed, and sorrowfully thought, "The misfortune has befallen us, Lord God, what will be the end of it?" Then he strengthened him with wine, until he came to himself again.

The first words the King said were, "Ah, the beautiful portrait! whose it it?" - "That is the princess of the Golden Dwelling," answered Faithful John.

Then the King continued, "My love for her is so great, that if all the leaves on all the trees were tongues, they could not declare it. I will give my life to win her. Thou art my most Faithful John, thou must help me."

Literalist Problem #2. This happens a lot in fairytales, and I must say it bewilders me. He is desperately and hopelessly in love - with a painting. A painting. He hasn't even seen the woman. Maude might, in fact, be a gold-digging harpy, and he doesn't care. he saw her in oils and that's good enough for him! I never really got this as a child, I was always concerned that there would be differences between the painting and reality.

The faithful servant considered within himself for a long time how to set about the matter, for it was difficult even to obtain a sight of the King's daughter. At length he thought of a way, and said to the King, "Everything which she has about her is of gold - tables, chairs, dishes, glasses, bowls, and household furniture. Among thy treasures are five tons of gold; let one of the goldsmiths of the Kingdom work these up into all manner of vessels and utensils, into all kinds of birds, wild beasts and strange animals, such as may please her, and we will go there with them and try our luck."

Psychoanalytical Issue #1: Everything about he is gold, so let's give her more gold because how on earth could we expect people who live in a town of gold surrounded by gold to be better at crafting gold than us!?!? John.... John.... did you consider maybe perhaps she might like a novelty of something that isn't gold?

The King ordered all the goldsmiths to be brought to him, didn't John say one goldsmith? and they had to work night and day until at last the most splendid things were prepared. When everything was stowed on board a ship, Faithful John put on the dress of a merchant, and the King was forced to do the same in order to make himself quite unrecognizable. Then they sailed across the sea, and sailed on until they came to the town wherein dwelt the princess of the Golden Dwelling.

How did they carry that much gold in a ship without it sinking? Was it a really BIG ship?

Faithful John bade the King stay behind on the ship, and wait for him. "Perhaps I shall bring the princess with me," said he, "therefore see that everything is in order; have the golden vessels set out and the whole ship decorated." Then he gathered together in his apron all kinds of gold things, went on shore and walked straight to the royal palace. When he entered the courtyard of the palace, a beautiful girl was standing there by the well with two golden buckets in her hand, drawing water with them. And when she was just turning round to carry away the sparkling water she saw the stranger, and asked who he was.

So he answered, "I am a merchant," and opened his apron, and let her look in.

Then she cried, "Oh, what beautiful gold things!" and put her pails down and looked at the golden wares one after the other. Then said the girl, "The princess must see these, she has such great pleasure in golden things, that she will buy all you have."

Handy. Seeing as she lives in a gold town and it's part of her name. If she'd been allergic we'd have been in trouble.

She took him by the hand and led him upstairs, for she was the waiting-maid. When the King's daughter saw the wares, she was quite delighted and said, "They are so beautifully worked, that I will buy them all of thee." But Faithful John said, "I am only the servant of a rich merchant. The things I have here are not to be compared with those my master has in his ship. They are the most beautiful and valuable things that have ever been made in gold."

Handy Lie #1: Promise more pretty things somewhere else. Like giving candy and saying your icecream truck is parked around the corner.

She wanted to have everything brought to her there, but he said, "There are so many of them that it would take a great many days to do that, and so many rooms would be required to exhibit them, that your house is not big enough." Then her curiosity and longing were still more excited, until at last she said, "Conduct me to the ship, I will go there myself, and behold the treasures of thine master."

Handy Lie #2: Emphasise this temptation and make it wriggle-proof. No, sir, I cannot bring in my golden-egg-laying-goose. She only lays golden eggs in her home, sir. Nerves, sir.

On this Faithful John was quite delighted, Note this. It is the only time in the whole story that he is happy. and led her to the ship, and when the King saw her, he perceived that her beauty was even greater than the picture had represented it to be, and thought no other than that his heart would burst in twain.

Is that a good feeling to have?

Then she got into the ship, and the King led her within. Faithful John, however, remained behind with the pilot, and ordered the ship to be pushed off, saying, "Set all sail, till it fly like a bird in air." Within, however, the King showed her the golden vessels, every one of them, also the wild beasts and strange animals. Many hours went by whilst she was seeing everything, and in her delight she did not observe that the ship was sailing away.

Literalist Problem #3: It's a frigate of some kind, surely. Or a galley. a big big ship. Moving would make a lot of noise, right? Or at least - you know - movement. Significant 'we are no longer anchored' movement and noise to be expected and neatly noted in the brochure, right? And she doesn't notice?

After she had looked at the last, she thanked the merchant and wanted to go home, but when she came to the side of the ship, she saw that it was on the deep sea far from land, and hurrying onwards with all sail set. "Ah," cried she in her alarm, "I am betrayed! I am carried away and have fallen into the power of a merchant - I would die rather!"

Snob.

The King, however, seized her hand, and said, "I am not a merchant. I am a king, and of no meaner origin than thou art, and if I have carried thee away with subtlety, that has come to pass because of my exceeding great love for thee. The first time that I looked on thy portrait, I fell fainting to the ground." When the princess of the Golden Dwelling heard that, she was comforted, and her heart was inclined unto him, so that she willingly consented to be his wife.

Because a husband who faints at the sight of you is a real turn on?

It so happened, however, while they were sailing onwards over the deep sea, that Faithful John, who was sitting on the fore part of the vessel, making music, saw three ravens in the air, which came flying towards them. On this he stopped playing and listened to what they were saying to each other, for that he well understood.

See, the old king knew how to hire servants. Any good servant knows how to act, trick royalty, make plans that would put Charlemaigne to shame, play music, make wildly dramatic speeches about how loyal they are, and listen to birds. John took 'Listening To Wild Carion Eating Birds 101'.

One cried, "Oh, there he is carrying home the princess of the Golden Dwelling." - "Yes," replied the second, "but he has not got her yet." Said the third, "But he has got her, she is sitting beside him in the ship." Then the first began again, and cried, "What good will that do him? When they reach land a chestnut horse will leap forward to meet him, and the prince will want to mount it, but if he does that, it will run away with him, and rise up into the air with him, and he will never see his maiden more."

Literalist Problem #4: ...I'm just managing to accept the talking birds. But I beg you, how do they know who these random people are? This is never explained. Ever. How do they know what is going to happen and why do they care? Also not explained. They just randomly appear, offer a wicked ultimatum, and leave.

Spake the second, "But is there no escape?" - "Oh, yes, if anyone else gets on it swiftly, and takes out the pistol which must be in its holster, and shoots the horse dead with it, the young King is saved. But who knows that? And whosoever does know it, and tells it to him, will be turned to stone from the toe to the knee."

See, even they don't know how anyone could possibly know all this.

Then said the second, "I know more than that; even if the horse be killed, the young King will still not keep his bride. When they go into the castle together, a wrought bridal garment will be lying there in a dish, and looking as if it were woven of gold and silver; it is, however, nothing but sulphur and pitch, and if he put it on, it will burn him to the very bone and marrow."

Sulphar and pitch always looks like gold and silver. Forgers have been using this little-known technique for years.

Said the third, "Is there no escape at all?" - "Oh, yes," replied the second, "if anyone with gloves on seizes the garment and throws it into the fire and burns it, the young King will be saved. "But what avails that?" Whosoever knows it and tells it to him, half his body will become stone from the knee to the heart." Then said the third, "I know still more; even if the bridal garment be burnt, the young King will still not have his bride. After the wedding, when the dancing begins and the young queen is dancing, she will suddenly turn pale and fall down as if dead, and if some one does not lift her up and draw three drops of blood from her right breast and spit them out again, she will die. But if anyone who knows that were to declare it, he would become stone from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot." When the ravens had spoken of this together, they flew onwards, and Faithful John had well understood everything, but from that time forth he became quiet and sad, for if he concealed what he had heard from his master, the latter would be unfortunate, and if he discovered it to him, he himself must sacrifice his life.

As per the title of this blog, you note that Ravens Always Tell The Truth. This is typical through most fairytales. With the rare exception, talking animals don't lie. I assume because fairytale writers couldn't think of a reason for the animals and birds to lie. I, however, can.

John. These are carion eaters. Carion, John. If they get you to get executed on this pretext, what happens? They have carion. Simple. Ulterior motive? Right there. I bet they tell farmer's sons that they are destined to marry the princess and should go tell the king so as well.

At length, however, he said to himself, "I will save my master, even if it bring destruction on myself."
When therefore they came to shore, all happened as had been foretold by the ravens, and a magnificent chestnut horse sprang forward. "Good," said the King, "he shall carry me to my palace," and was about to mount it when Faithful John got before him, jumped quickly on it, drew the pistol out of the holster, and shot the horse.

Literalist Problem #5: ...where.... did.... it.... come.... from????

Then the other attendants of the King, who after all were not very fond of Faithful John, cried, "How shameful to kill the beautiful animal, that was to have carried the King to his palace." But the King said, "Hold your peace and leave him alone, he is my most faithful John, who knows what may be the good of that!"

They went into the palace, and in the hall there stood a dish, and therein lay the bridal garment looking no otherwise than as if it were made of gold and silver. The young King went towards it and was about to take hold of it, but Faithful John pushed him away, seized it with gloves on, carried it quickly to the fire and burnt it. The other attendants again began to murmur, and said, "Behold, now he is even burning the King's bridal garment!" But the young King said, "Who knows what good he may have done, leave him alone, he is my most faithful John."

You have to admit, the King was pretty patient to let all this go on without once saying 'whyyyy???'

And now the wedding was solemnized: the dance began, and the bride also took part in it; then Faithful John was watchful and looked into her face, and suddenly she turned pale and fell to the ground, as if she were dead. On this he ran hastily to her, lifted her up and bore her into a chamber - then he laid her down, and knelt and sucked the three drops of blood from her right breast, and spat them out. Immediately she breathed again and recovered herself, but the young King had seen this, and being ignorant why Faithful John had done it, was angry and cried, "Throw him into a dungeon."

Let's put this in context. When I was young, I always thought he bit her in the shoulder, but yeah. I think when they say breast, they mean breast. So the king's wife just got manhandled into some guy's private chambers and he bit her. On her breast.

Next morning Faithful John was condemned, and led to the gallows, and when he stood on high, and was about to be executed, he said, "Every one who has to die is permitted before his end to make one last speech; may I too claim the right?" - "Yes," answered the King, "it shall be granted unto thee." Then said Faithful John, "I am unjustly condemned, and have always been true to thee," and he related how he had hearkened to the conversation of the ravens when on the sea, and how he had been obliged to do all these things in order to save his master.

One woul have thought he could have just told the first bit, turned to stone to his knees and used that as proof...

Then cried the King, "Oh, my most Faithful John. Pardon, pardon - bring him down." But as Faithful John spoke the last word he had fallen down lifeless and become a stone.
Thereupon the King and the Queen suffered great anguish, and the King said, "Ah, how ill I have requited great fidelity!" and ordered the stone figure to be taken up and placed in his bedroom beside his bed. And as often as he looked on it he wept and said, "Ah, if I could bring thee to life again, my most faithful John."

Literalist Problem #6: It's in his ROOM. He's staring at it all the TIME. That has GOT to be pissing off his wife. I mean... really. How does he govern?

Some time passed and the Queen bore twins, two sons who grew fast and were her delight. Once when the Queen was at church and the two children were sitting playing beside their father, the latter full of grief again looked at the stone figure, sighed and said, "Ah, if I could but bring thee to life again, my most faithful John." Then the stone began to speak and said, "Thou canst bring me to life again if thou wilt use for that purpose what is dearest to thee." Then cried the King, "I will give everything I have in the world for thee." The stone continued, "If thou wilt will cut off the heads of thy two children with thine own hand, and sprinkle me with their blood, I shall be restored to life."

At this point I would be saying 'Cursed and possessed stone! Begone from my chambers and bother me no more!' or something equally dramatic. From what we know of John, has anything yet indicated he might demand small children to be sacrificed for him? Anything? At all? What's to bet this is a posessed statue?

The King was terrified when he heard that he himself must kill his dearest children, but he thought of faithful John's great fidelity, and how he had died for him, drew his sword, and with his own hand cut off the children's heads. And when he had smeared the stone with their blood, life returned to it, and Faithful John stood once more safe and healthy before him. He said to the King, "Thy truth shall not go unrewarded," and took the heads of the children, put them on again, and rubbed the wounds with their blood, on which they became whole again immediately, and jumped about, and went on playing as if nothing had happened.

1. How long has John been able to do that? Could he have brought himself back to life all this time? Has he just been messing with them? Or should we be saying 'crazy magic powers and blood-lust, this is a demon'?
2. And the kids didn't notice the bloodstains on their clothes...?

Then the King was full of joy, and when he saw the Queen coming he hid Faithful John and the two children in a great cupboard. When she entered, he said to her, "Hast thou been praying in the church?" - "Yes," answered she, "but I have constantly been thinking of Faithful John and what misfortune has befallen him through us." Then said he, "Dear wife, we can give him his life again, but it will cost us our two little sons, whom we must sacrifice." The Queen turned pale, and her heart was full of terror, but she said, "We owe it to him, for his great fidelity." Then the King was rejoiced that she thought as he had thought, and went and opened the cupboard, and brought forth Faithful John and the children, and said, "God be praised, he is delivered, and we have our little sons again also," and told her how everything had occurred. Then they dwelt together in much happiness until their death.

Why no, let's not tell our wife straight away that she doesn't have to worry, everything is all right. now that we've traumatised our children, let's traumatise the woman we're meant to adore as well!!!!

No idea why he does that, except maybe to prove she would have made the same choice. And somehow the children as still not bothered.

As I said - one of my favorites despite the randomness and the plot holes.