Tatterhood: Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That??

Idiot Prizes:

Oh this one is really hard! I mean there are two characters in this story who stand out to me, and I feel they both deserve a mention, if for completely different reasons. The first is the Queen. Let’s call her Queen Marsha. She has so many incidents of absolute idiocy that I don’t know where to start. The fascinating thing is that her idiocy is so inconsistent.

1.       She wanders around her kingdom mooning over the way common folk parent their children.

2.       She literally wants a child so that she can scold them.

3.       When she adopts Beth she lets her play in an area of the castle where vagabonds and beggars can frequent – with a gold ball. Apparently a gold ball is a must-have accessory for princesses this season. I hate to reinforce a gender stereotype, but was there really that much demand for princesses with such well defined wrist and arm muscles? Not to mention the fact that the princess would make such a perfecthostage if anyone was – oh I don’t know – trying to invade, wanting money, particularly disgruntled. Even worse this country regularly has attacks from a band of witches and ogres. Shouldn’t Princess Beth be at least inside some sort of inner courtyard? One could theorise that this is just a very socialistic monarchy – but considering the fact that Marsha reacts so violently to Beth’s friendship with Charlotte, I doubt that’s the case.

4.       She calls Beth up to her rooms and doesn’t think to add ‘And leave your new friend downstairs’ or keep watching so she could see that her adopted daughter was bringing her new bestest friend with her.

5.       She personally drives Charlotte out of her personal chambers. This is more a WTF than an idiot prize, but honestly. She doesn’t have the kid removed by a guard or sent away by a maid. It reads like Marsha is sort of flapping her arms at Charlotte ineffectually.

6.       She believes a child who claims her mother is magical and leaves said child alone with her adopted daughter.

7.       That wouldn’t be an idiot prize on its own considering how often beggars ARE magical, but then Marsha believes the beggar woman when she shrugs it off.

8.       And ultimately crowning this incredibly indecisive to-and-fro is where the queen promptly believes a beggar child when said child tells her ‘Oh no, my mother only remembers being magical once she’s drunk.’ How likely was it that Charlotte and her mother tend to play this ruse frequently in order to steal wine from rich people?

9.       She eats both flowers. Like she literally goes ‘eh, one tasted good the other won’t do any harm’. Even though she had been told by a magical woman who gave her possibly the most roundabout bizarre way of getting a baby ever – NOT to eat the second flower under ANY circumstances.

10.   She then acts surprised when something bad happens. I use ‘bad’ loosely. Because apparently ‘bad’ is giving birth to a child riding a goat, wearing clothes, talking, holding a wooden spoon and looking a bit grey. That’s not something that would make you think ‘hey, maybe my kid is special’. Or even ‘hey, maybe this is a demon child and I should foster her out’.

11.   She stops caring about Beth.

12.   She lets Ogres and Witches run around her palace and steal her daughter’s head.

13.   She lets both children sail off alone on a ship they can’t possibly control and she never seems to try to find out where they are.

I can’t decide whether she is impressively stupid, outrageously neglectful or just plain didn’t care, but whtever it was – she wins the prize.

Runner up by a hair is Prince Sam. As example:

                Prince Sam: Oh woe. WOE. I have had a marriage arranged for me.

Prince Sam:  Even though that is frequent, common, and something I would have expected anyway.

Prince Sam: Not only this but my wife is the heir to a kingdom

Prince Sam: and capable of defeating large hordes of witches.

Prince Same: I am SO depressed!

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Her goat turned into a horse when I asked about it I’m sure that’s not something I should find at all interesting.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Huh. And now her wooden spoon is a fan. Yawn.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Wait – she’s wearing a crown now… it’s like this is a memetic pattern being used because these stories are based off oral tales and thrive on repetition to make a point and raise tension. It’s almost like this is leading up to something and I should have realised what that is by now. Or… nah. Nah I’m imagining things.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: WHAT THE FUCK SHE’S PRETTY NOW WHO SAW THAT COMING.

Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:

We aren’t going to get into this with Tatterhood because as interesting as Beth and Charlotte are, no character quite beats out a baby born riding a goat with a wooden spoon in her hand and wearing a hood while speaking legibly in full sentences.

How Disturbing Is That??

The King and Queen adopted a child just so they would have someone to scold. This is a fairytale about abusive, neglectful parents. When you really think about it – they shelve Beth when Abigail comes along. They try to lock Tatterhood out of the way because she embarrasses them. They let Abigail get attacked by witches. They let their kids sail away forever. They really seemed only to want children as accessories in the first place.

That, the fact that Charlotte was at ease with her mother’s alcoholism and the surgery Tatterhood performs on Abigail to return her head are all just about the most disturbing things in this story.

I still wanna know how old the king is, though.

Most Interesting Side Characters - Fair Brown and Trembling

Oh who are we kidding? It’s obvious the clear winner of this category is the Henwife! However there are some runners up so I will discuss them all in turn.

The Henwife wins outright on the merit of her extraordinary pragmatism. In fact, rereading the story after a few years it strikes me how pragmatic the conversations are in it. There’s none of the overblown drama of some of the Grimms or Lang fairytales, no speeches of undying love or loss, just a princess and a Henwife kicking back and talking about life. Particularly pertinent is the example of the second time the Henwife helps Trembling – where she asks if Trembling is going to the church and Trembling says ‘if I could get the going’ which seems like a laid-back sort of way to ask the Henwife to help (or annoyingly passive-aggressive depending on the tone). Anyway, this Henwife! This Henwife, people! Look at her. She’s so unusual! She rather reminds me of Merlin from Sword in the Stone, and in fact that would explain rather a lot. If she is living backwards through time and has done all of this before it rather explains why she suddenly turned up after seven years time to go ‘Hey – are you going to church?’. It makes the event somewhat more along the lines of a question to clarify if she got the timing right and less of a bewildering mix of ‘how do you not know she doesn’t go to church and hasn’t for seven years’ and ‘why on earth didn’t you offer to help earlier??’.

The Coat of Darkness aside, the Henwife is exceptionally patient with her young charge and rather good natured, letting Trembling pick out more and more ridiculous colours for her dresses and horses as time goes on and apparently being completely happy to be left behind at the House/Castle when Trembling gets married. Quirks aside, she’s obviously not to be messed with and can summon life itself through her magic powers. I have to wonder if she is Trembling’s mother who was very fond of birds and forgot all about her daughters due to avian-induced amnesia.

Runners Up:

1.       The Whale. Oh gosh – the whale! Not only is it probably either enchanted or a magician in disguise but this whale is the most extraordinary creature we’ve met since we met the revolutionary regicidal horse. It can beach itself and swim back out to sea again without effort. It can swallow and regurgitate a fully grown person – holding her magically on the beach in the meantime. It has a strict list of rules it follows in the interests of fair play – including regurgitating the princess three times so she can try to get help, displaying its only weak spot to any challengers to allow them a chance to shoot it, and although it can obviously stop the princess from talking (after all it won’t let her speak to her husband), it allows her to talk to other people so she can explain the rules. Where did this whale come from? Was it in league with Fair? What did it want? What was it going to do? Why did it have to die? So many questions!

2.       The horse with diamond spots on it. Just – it has diamond spots, people. Diamond.

3.       The King of Erin who doesn’t seem to exist at all and doesn’t care that his daughter is being treated like a servant or that his other daughter’s beau dumped her for a mysterious church goer.

4.       The Coat of Darkness and its weird monopoly over Black Satin Dresses.

Interesting Side Characters #2 The Frog King

Or Iron Heinrich.

Yes, people, let us consider Iron Heinrich, surely one of the most random, interesting and mysterious side-characters in the history of fairy-tales. Most side characters have a few strange little bits or pieces about them, or randomly cease to exist when the writer decides there are More Interesting Things Happening Over Here Now and It Is Not Necessary To Tie Off Loose Ends In A Fairy Tale Dammit. But Iron Heinrich?

People.

People.

Here is why Iron Heinrich rocks as a side-character:

1. He only appears in the last paragraph or two of the story and yet was interesting enough for his name to be an alternative title.

2. The man has iron bands around his heart. That is badass.

3. Why did he put those bands around his heart? Because if he hadn't his heart would have exploded. Yeah. That's right. No wussy feelings for Iron Heinrich. He is all man. And all uranium.

4. His loyalty to the Frog King is such that he is apparently stalking him. Note his convenient appearance with convenient coach mere hours after Froggy's tranformation back into a human.

5. Happiness allows him to snap iron with. his. heart. Forget Chuck Norris, Iron Heinrich is five times more powerful!

6. His infinite patience. Despite explaining to Froggy what was going on the first time one of the iron bands snapped, he is willing to explain it twice more just so the prince will finally get the message. He doesn't lose his temper with his stalker of a master, freak out that his stalker of a master has blackmailed a young lady into marrying him, or have any comment on the implausibility of a frog rescuing a GOLD ball from a BOTTOMLESS well. He is a saint.

A saint.

I rest my case.

Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That??

Oh for heavens...

This is the third time I have tried to write this post now. My blog thinks Faithful John is far far too ridiculous to post in this category obviously. Anyway, typically I will be posting these categories separately, but John dear is proving such a splendid illustration that here is an introduction to all three.

Idiot Prizes:

This prize is going to Prince Fred. Maude got a name, after all. So - yes. Prince Fred. Who is, I think, probably schizophrenic.

Let me put that in perspective.

Fred: I must go into this room which is probably deadly to my health... oh my goodness gracious me, my golly gosh, my blinking bounding blueberries! This picture! I must faint, it is so lovely! I have no doubt the real person this must be of because it could not be imagined at all is no doubt exactly like this picture! I love her and I hear voices from the picture telling me to go and find her! *exit.... on ship with gold!*

Fred: *later* Oh my statue... I must keep you in my rooms for years and talk to you about all my problems... no one must know I do this except Maude. Everyone else is plotting against me but my faithful John, my very very fait.... What's that, Statue? You want me to cut the heads off my children???

Yes, Fred. Yes. Endanger your kingdom's ruling line AND listen to inanimate objects!

Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:

There are a lot of possibilities here, but I gotta say, my favorite is the horse.

Yes, the horse.

That horse turns up out of nowhere with full intent of assassinating a king... a regicidal revolutionary socialistic horse which carried a pistol in it's saddle-bag, no doubt just in case throwing the king off his back didn't get the job done! I want to know more about the horse.

How Disturbing Is That??:

You have to ask? The King kills his children!!! And the children don't seem bothered by it! No 'Hey, daddy killed us, maybe he doesn't love us anymore!' no 'why are our clothes all dirty?' just happily run off playing again with no noticeable trauma...

And the children listening to the tale make mental notes to run away should their father's best friend turn to stone or die.

Not to mention the slaughtering of a horse. Think, John. Think about the young girls in the audience. You just shot Black Beauty. You cut the throat of Flicka. You murdered a My Little Pony. Shame.

Actually - as a side note of interest - in other versions of the tale the three traps are set up by Maude's furious magician father, who also tells Maude and Fred how to restore John. I have to say I prefer this, as it portrays the faithful and kind servant in a much less bloodthirsty light, and actually gives a reason for the random traps. The father afterwards explains this was to 1. punish John for stealing his daughter away; 2. punish Fred for stealing his daughter away by forcing him to live with the knowledge that he killed his friend and 3. punish his daughter for breaking his heart by showing her how hard it is to lose your children.

He also brings the children back to life, so we have no creepy demonic-powers John.

On the other hand, instead of sucking out blood, the last task is frequently to hide behind the bed of the king over his wedding night so that he can fight off a dragon who will appear in the middle of the night.

Yes.

Ew.