Survival Guide #2 The Frog King

First off - to all you lovely people out there who may or may not be reading - read Erstwhile . It's my new favorite webcomic, updated three times weekly and illustrating some of the Grimms' less well-known tales. It starts with a deliciously amusing 'The Clever Farmer's Daughter', then there is a short little interlude of a riddle-tale, and at the moment 'Maid Maleen' is being done. The art is fabulous and the retellings are both true to the story and inventive.





Survival Guide - Continued. The Knowing of Animals Part One.



In the land of the fairy tale it is enormously important to know your animals and other creatures. Let us start with amphibians. The Frog and the Toad. If a Toad offers you a favor or hops out of the mouth of your significant other or comes into your bathroom while you are doing your ablutions and sits on your chest - this is not a good thing. Remember herein one important fact, and remember this fact very well: Toads Are Evil.

Always.

Without exception.

However - if a frog offers you a favor, asks for a kiss or requests that you don't kill it - listen because almost 100% of the time, Frogs are enchanted good guys. Good. Right? Got it? Frogs = Good. Toads = Bad.

Let us go over a couple of plausible scenarios:

#1 Your father is trying to decide on an original way to split his property. He gathers you and your siblings together, takes out enough feathers for all of you and instructs you to each follow a feather and where it lands to buy a roll of silk cloth fine enough to thread through the eye of a needle/a dog small enough to sit in the palm of his hand/an honest politician or some other such impossible feat. You are unlucky enough to get the feather that pretty much takes a nose-dive for the ground. As you bemoan your fate, a small frog hops up and offers to help. Do you:
A. Presume that this offer will have some sort of eventual price not unlike the going rate for golden balls and shoo the frog away.
B. Scream and squish it into green Kermit-jelly.
C. Accept the help because firstly, you're the youngest, secondly your feather seems to have doomed you to failure which obviously means you will succeed and lastly it's a talking frog. It's magic.

The correct response is C - accept the help. In this case the frog will answer your every wish until your father requests you to bring him an impossibly talented spouse, at which point the frog itself will show up in a ridiculous carriage, make a fairy laugh and then turn into the prerequisitely gorgeous specimen of humanity all enchanted animals always turn into. While A shows a certain nous for fairy-tale lore, in this case since you're on a quest you should always accept help from animals who offer it. And B? Never harm an animal in a fairy tale unless it's actively trying to eat you. Fairy tales are like the ULTIMATE SPCA environments. People who hurt animals die horrible horrible deaths.

2# You are having your evening bath to relax and soak away the cares of a day of gold spinning/weaving/emroidery or Giant killing. You have recently acquired a new parent of the gentle sex and possibly lost some siblings. While you are bathing, three toads jump in the bath and settle on your skin, do you:
A. Scream and squish them like Mr Toad should have been squished in an automobile accident considering flippers can't manipulate gas pedals.
B. Ignore them, they'll turn into flowers anyway.
C. Ask them for a favour, there's three of them after all.

The correct response is B. The toads are part of an evil spell cast by your step-mother/father in an attempt to rob you of your talents and beauty and steal your inheritance. However, because you are so very very awesome, the toads will turn into roses (or your flower of choice). Option C shows some innovation on your part - as yes, 3 is a magic number in fairy-tales. However toads are evil, so the inherent evil of the animal outweighs the magic of the number. As for A - yes, toads are evil. However please recall that you are not allowed to kill animals in the fairy story. Not even evil ones unless it's a dragon and this is your quest to start with. Small relatively helpless animals should not be slain under any circumstances.

#3. You have a special significant other, but every time she speaks, spiders snakes and toads hop out of her mouth. Do you:
A. Try to find her pretty sister, because she's bound to be spewing gold.
B. Burn her at the stake as a witch.
C. Ask her for her father's magic ring since she's probably related to the king of snakes... or toads... or something...
The correct response is A. Spewing toads or snakes or both is a sign of a black heart, and also a sign that you picked up the wrong daughter. Go looking and you'll find a lovely maiden with a lucrative if rather annoying case of the golden hiccups. B is a rather harsh response and could push you into villain status, always rather dangerous in a fairytale. C only works if the woman has shed a snake skin. If there are toads involved, it never works at all. Toads are always bad. Remember this.

Mark your answers and remember the tips! Toads = bad, frogs = good.

Survival Guide #1 Faithful John

This - is a self-explanatory part of the blog. Imagine some day you are wandering over a hill merrily, not noticing what you're doing or where you're going - suddenly catastrophe! You are on the site of a rather in a circle of grass next to a spinney of oak, ash and yew trees!!! Next thing you know, you are in a fairytale - like Enchanted but backwards.

This is where I offer a guide of sorts, illustrated by selected fairy-tales, on how to survive should this most dreaded of events happen. It may seem pleasant, but believe me. There are far far more easy deaths to be had in a fairy-tale than happy-ever-afters. Besides, the level of sacharine sweetness you would have to attain to be guaranteed an eventual happy-ever-after if, quite frankly, impossible for mortal human beings.

So - without further ado - on to part one of the Survival Guide:

Names and what they mean:

Here in Faithful John we get a splendid illustration of how - in some ways at least - fairytales are also very very literal. His name is Faithful John. This means, dear reader that he is Faithful. I know. Shocker, isn't it? This is honestly a very very very good indication of what to expect in fairytales. The only time when you should be wary of taking a person's name at face-value is when it has the word 'simple' in it.

Beware of any name which indicates its owner is a moron. Usually this name is made up by jealous brothers and said 'moron' really is going to any day find a golden goose or fly off on a flying ship.

Anyway! Here are some types of name to look out for:

Personality Characteristics:

Vassila The Valiant
Fernand the Faithful/Fernand the Faithless
Trusty John

These are names where immediately you know what the person is going to be like. IMPORTANT TIP: Do not become travelling companions with people like Fernand the Faithless (real fairytale name. Everyone knew that was his name. Yes.) - it's not exaggeration and it's not an unfortunate slip of their mother's tongue. It is who they are. They will leave you down the bottomless pit to die while they take the magic princess back to the king.

Similarly, if Trusty John tells you something... then believe him.

Physical Characteristics:

Big Hans/Little Hans
Koshei the Deathless
Goldilocks
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Red Riding Hood

Again - yes somehow Red Riding Hood apparently came out of the womb with that cloak on, because that's her name. These names are not as essential to note, as you'll probably get the idea just from looking at the person (except Koshei... he is evil.).

Disguises:

Cap o' Rushes
Katie Woodencloak
Donkeyskin
Bearskin

If a girl is wearing a really really really weird over-garment and her name is something to do with the garment, be polite. She is a disguised princess.

Actions/Deeds/Occupations:

The Brave Little Tailor
Jack the Giant Killer
Katie Crackernuts

Katie cracks nuts, Jack kills giants, and the tailor is a tailor. The nice thing to note here is that you can pretty much bet if you meet someone called Giant Killer - then Giants will abound if you happen to hang out with them. For the sake of your peace of mind, avoid these people.

In conclusion - take note of your friends and enemies and what their names are. It provides a very good hint as to what may happen.