Idiot Prizes:
Oh this one is really hard! I mean there are two characters in this story who stand out to me, and I feel they both deserve a mention, if for completely different reasons. The first is the Queen. Let’s call her Queen Marsha. She has so many incidents of absolute idiocy that I don’t know where to start. The fascinating thing is that her idiocy is so inconsistent.
1. She wanders around her kingdom mooning over the way common folk parent their children.
2. She literally wants a child so that she can scold them.
3. When she adopts Beth she lets her play in an area of the castle where vagabonds and beggars can frequent – with a gold ball. Apparently a gold ball is a must-have accessory for princesses this season. I hate to reinforce a gender stereotype, but was there really that much demand for princesses with such well defined wrist and arm muscles? Not to mention the fact that the princess would make such a perfecthostage if anyone was – oh I don’t know – trying to invade, wanting money, particularly disgruntled. Even worse this country regularly has attacks from a band of witches and ogres. Shouldn’t Princess Beth be at least inside some sort of inner courtyard? One could theorise that this is just a very socialistic monarchy – but considering the fact that Marsha reacts so violently to Beth’s friendship with Charlotte, I doubt that’s the case.
4. She calls Beth up to her rooms and doesn’t think to add ‘And leave your new friend downstairs’ or keep watching so she could see that her adopted daughter was bringing her new bestest friend with her.
5. She personally drives Charlotte out of her personal chambers. This is more a WTF than an idiot prize, but honestly. She doesn’t have the kid removed by a guard or sent away by a maid. It reads like Marsha is sort of flapping her arms at Charlotte ineffectually.
6. She believes a child who claims her mother is magical and leaves said child alone with her adopted daughter.
7. That wouldn’t be an idiot prize on its own considering how often beggars ARE magical, but then Marsha believes the beggar woman when she shrugs it off.
8. And ultimately crowning this incredibly indecisive to-and-fro is where the queen promptly believes a beggar child when said child tells her ‘Oh no, my mother only remembers being magical once she’s drunk.’ How likely was it that Charlotte and her mother tend to play this ruse frequently in order to steal wine from rich people?
9. She eats both flowers. Like she literally goes ‘eh, one tasted good the other won’t do any harm’. Even though she had been told by a magical woman who gave her possibly the most roundabout bizarre way of getting a baby ever – NOT to eat the second flower under ANY circumstances.
10. She then acts surprised when something bad happens. I use ‘bad’ loosely. Because apparently ‘bad’ is giving birth to a child riding a goat, wearing clothes, talking, holding a wooden spoon and looking a bit grey. That’s not something that would make you think ‘hey, maybe my kid is special’. Or even ‘hey, maybe this is a demon child and I should foster her out’.
11. She stops caring about Beth.
12. She lets Ogres and Witches run around her palace and steal her daughter’s head.
13. She lets both children sail off alone on a ship they can’t possibly control and she never seems to try to find out where they are.
I can’t decide whether she is impressively stupid, outrageously neglectful or just plain didn’t care, but whtever it was – she wins the prize.
Runner up by a hair is Prince Sam. As example:
Prince Sam: Oh woe. WOE. I have had a marriage arranged for me.
Prince Sam: Even though that is frequent, common, and something I would have expected anyway.
Prince Sam: Not only this but my wife is the heir to a kingdom
Prince Sam: and capable of defeating large hordes of witches.
Prince Same: I am SO depressed!
Prince Sam:
Prince Sam: Her goat turned into a horse when I asked about it I’m sure that’s not something I should find at all interesting.
Prince Sam:
Prince Sam: Huh. And now her wooden spoon is a fan. Yawn.
Prince Sam:
Prince Sam: Wait – she’s wearing a crown now… it’s like this is a memetic pattern being used because these stories are based off oral tales and thrive on repetition to make a point and raise tension. It’s almost like this is leading up to something and I should have realised what that is by now. Or… nah. Nah I’m imagining things.
Prince Sam:
Prince Sam: WHAT THE FUCK SHE’S PRETTY NOW WHO SAW THAT COMING.
Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:
We aren’t going to get into this with Tatterhood because as interesting as Beth and Charlotte are, no character quite beats out a baby born riding a goat with a wooden spoon in her hand and wearing a hood while speaking legibly in full sentences.
How Disturbing Is That??
The King and Queen adopted a child just so they would have someone to scold. This is a fairytale about abusive, neglectful parents. When you really think about it – they shelve Beth when Abigail comes along. They try to lock Tatterhood out of the way because she embarrasses them. They let Abigail get attacked by witches. They let their kids sail away forever. They really seemed only to want children as accessories in the first place.
That, the fact that Charlotte was at ease with her mother’s alcoholism and the surgery Tatterhood performs on Abigail to return her head are all just about the most disturbing things in this story.
I still wanna know how old the king is, though.
