Or Iron Heinrich.
Yes, people, let us consider Iron Heinrich, surely one of the most random, interesting and mysterious side-characters in the history of fairy-tales. Most side characters have a few strange little bits or pieces about them, or randomly cease to exist when the writer decides there are More Interesting Things Happening Over Here Now and It Is Not Necessary To Tie Off Loose Ends In A Fairy Tale Dammit. But Iron Heinrich?
People.
People.
Here is why Iron Heinrich rocks as a side-character:
1. He only appears in the last paragraph or two of the story and yet was interesting enough for his name to be an alternative title.
2. The man has iron bands around his heart. That is badass.
3. Why did he put those bands around his heart? Because if he hadn't his heart would have exploded. Yeah. That's right. No wussy feelings for Iron Heinrich. He is all man. And all uranium.
4. His loyalty to the Frog King is such that he is apparently stalking him. Note his convenient appearance with convenient coach mere hours after Froggy's tranformation back into a human.
5. Happiness allows him to snap iron with. his. heart. Forget Chuck Norris, Iron Heinrich is five times more powerful!
6. His infinite patience. Despite explaining to Froggy what was going on the first time one of the iron bands snapped, he is willing to explain it twice more just so the prince will finally get the message. He doesn't lose his temper with his stalker of a master, freak out that his stalker of a master has blackmailed a young lady into marrying him, or have any comment on the implausibility of a frog rescuing a GOLD ball from a BOTTOMLESS well. He is a saint.
A saint.
I rest my case.
Showing posts with label Frog King. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frog King. Show all posts
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Survival Guide #2 The Frog King
First off - to all you lovely people out there who may or may not be reading - read Erstwhile . It's my new favorite webcomic, updated three times weekly and illustrating some of the Grimms' less well-known tales. It starts with a deliciously amusing 'The Clever Farmer's Daughter', then there is a short little interlude of a riddle-tale, and at the moment 'Maid Maleen' is being done. The art is fabulous and the retellings are both true to the story and inventive.
Survival Guide - Continued. The Knowing of Animals Part One.
In the land of the fairy tale it is enormously important to know your animals and other creatures. Let us start with amphibians. The Frog and the Toad. If a Toad offers you a favor or hops out of the mouth of your significant other or comes into your bathroom while you are doing your ablutions and sits on your chest - this is not a good thing. Remember herein one important fact, and remember this fact very well: Toads Are Evil.
Always.
Without exception.
However - if a frog offers you a favor, asks for a kiss or requests that you don't kill it - listen because almost 100% of the time, Frogs are enchanted good guys. Good. Right? Got it? Frogs = Good. Toads = Bad.
Let us go over a couple of plausible scenarios:
#1 Your father is trying to decide on an original way to split his property. He gathers you and your siblings together, takes out enough feathers for all of you and instructs you to each follow a feather and where it lands to buy a roll of silk cloth fine enough to thread through the eye of a needle/a dog small enough to sit in the palm of his hand/an honest politician or some other such impossible feat. You are unlucky enough to get the feather that pretty much takes a nose-dive for the ground. As you bemoan your fate, a small frog hops up and offers to help. Do you:
A. Presume that this offer will have some sort of eventual price not unlike the going rate for golden balls and shoo the frog away.
B. Scream and squish it into green Kermit-jelly.
C. Accept the help because firstly, you're the youngest, secondly your feather seems to have doomed you to failure which obviously means you will succeed and lastly it's a talking frog. It's magic.
The correct response is C - accept the help. In this case the frog will answer your every wish until your father requests you to bring him an impossibly talented spouse, at which point the frog itself will show up in a ridiculous carriage, make a fairy laugh and then turn into the prerequisitely gorgeous specimen of humanity all enchanted animals always turn into. While A shows a certain nous for fairy-tale lore, in this case since you're on a quest you should always accept help from animals who offer it. And B? Never harm an animal in a fairy tale unless it's actively trying to eat you. Fairy tales are like the ULTIMATE SPCA environments. People who hurt animals die horrible horrible deaths.
2# You are having your evening bath to relax and soak away the cares of a day of gold spinning/weaving/emroidery or Giant killing. You have recently acquired a new parent of the gentle sex and possibly lost some siblings. While you are bathing, three toads jump in the bath and settle on your skin, do you:
A. Scream and squish them like Mr Toad should have been squished in an automobile accident considering flippers can't manipulate gas pedals.
B. Ignore them, they'll turn into flowers anyway.
C. Ask them for a favour, there's three of them after all.
The correct response is B. The toads are part of an evil spell cast by your step-mother/father in an attempt to rob you of your talents and beauty and steal your inheritance. However, because you are so very very awesome, the toads will turn into roses (or your flower of choice). Option C shows some innovation on your part - as yes, 3 is a magic number in fairy-tales. However toads are evil, so the inherent evil of the animal outweighs the magic of the number. As for A - yes, toads are evil. However please recall that you are not allowed to kill animals in the fairy story. Not even evil ones unless it's a dragon and this is your quest to start with. Small relatively helpless animals should not be slain under any circumstances.
#3. You have a special significant other, but every time she speaks, spiders snakes and toads hop out of her mouth. Do you:
A. Try to find her pretty sister, because she's bound to be spewing gold.
B. Burn her at the stake as a witch.
C. Ask her for her father's magic ring since she's probably related to the king of snakes... or toads... or something...
The correct response is A. Spewing toads or snakes or both is a sign of a black heart, and also a sign that you picked up the wrong daughter. Go looking and you'll find a lovely maiden with a lucrative if rather annoying case of the golden hiccups. B is a rather harsh response and could push you into villain status, always rather dangerous in a fairytale. C only works if the woman has shed a snake skin. If there are toads involved, it never works at all. Toads are always bad. Remember this.
Mark your answers and remember the tips! Toads = bad, frogs = good.
Survival Guide - Continued. The Knowing of Animals Part One.
In the land of the fairy tale it is enormously important to know your animals and other creatures. Let us start with amphibians. The Frog and the Toad. If a Toad offers you a favor or hops out of the mouth of your significant other or comes into your bathroom while you are doing your ablutions and sits on your chest - this is not a good thing. Remember herein one important fact, and remember this fact very well: Toads Are Evil.
Always.
Without exception.
However - if a frog offers you a favor, asks for a kiss or requests that you don't kill it - listen because almost 100% of the time, Frogs are enchanted good guys. Good. Right? Got it? Frogs = Good. Toads = Bad.
Let us go over a couple of plausible scenarios:
#1 Your father is trying to decide on an original way to split his property. He gathers you and your siblings together, takes out enough feathers for all of you and instructs you to each follow a feather and where it lands to buy a roll of silk cloth fine enough to thread through the eye of a needle/a dog small enough to sit in the palm of his hand/an honest politician or some other such impossible feat. You are unlucky enough to get the feather that pretty much takes a nose-dive for the ground. As you bemoan your fate, a small frog hops up and offers to help. Do you:
A. Presume that this offer will have some sort of eventual price not unlike the going rate for golden balls and shoo the frog away.
B. Scream and squish it into green Kermit-jelly.
C. Accept the help because firstly, you're the youngest, secondly your feather seems to have doomed you to failure which obviously means you will succeed and lastly it's a talking frog. It's magic.
The correct response is C - accept the help. In this case the frog will answer your every wish until your father requests you to bring him an impossibly talented spouse, at which point the frog itself will show up in a ridiculous carriage, make a fairy laugh and then turn into the prerequisitely gorgeous specimen of humanity all enchanted animals always turn into. While A shows a certain nous for fairy-tale lore, in this case since you're on a quest you should always accept help from animals who offer it. And B? Never harm an animal in a fairy tale unless it's actively trying to eat you. Fairy tales are like the ULTIMATE SPCA environments. People who hurt animals die horrible horrible deaths.
2# You are having your evening bath to relax and soak away the cares of a day of gold spinning/weaving/emroidery or Giant killing. You have recently acquired a new parent of the gentle sex and possibly lost some siblings. While you are bathing, three toads jump in the bath and settle on your skin, do you:
A. Scream and squish them like Mr Toad should have been squished in an automobile accident considering flippers can't manipulate gas pedals.
B. Ignore them, they'll turn into flowers anyway.
C. Ask them for a favour, there's three of them after all.
The correct response is B. The toads are part of an evil spell cast by your step-mother/father in an attempt to rob you of your talents and beauty and steal your inheritance. However, because you are so very very awesome, the toads will turn into roses (or your flower of choice). Option C shows some innovation on your part - as yes, 3 is a magic number in fairy-tales. However toads are evil, so the inherent evil of the animal outweighs the magic of the number. As for A - yes, toads are evil. However please recall that you are not allowed to kill animals in the fairy story. Not even evil ones unless it's a dragon and this is your quest to start with. Small relatively helpless animals should not be slain under any circumstances.
#3. You have a special significant other, but every time she speaks, spiders snakes and toads hop out of her mouth. Do you:
A. Try to find her pretty sister, because she's bound to be spewing gold.
B. Burn her at the stake as a witch.
C. Ask her for her father's magic ring since she's probably related to the king of snakes... or toads... or something...
The correct response is A. Spewing toads or snakes or both is a sign of a black heart, and also a sign that you picked up the wrong daughter. Go looking and you'll find a lovely maiden with a lucrative if rather annoying case of the golden hiccups. B is a rather harsh response and could push you into villain status, always rather dangerous in a fairytale. C only works if the woman has shed a snake skin. If there are toads involved, it never works at all. Toads are always bad. Remember this.
Mark your answers and remember the tips! Toads = bad, frogs = good.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Coversations #2 The Frog King
Another title for this fairy tale is 'Iron Heinrich' because even the Grimms could see that the most interesting and dynamic character in the whole story was Iron Heinrich at the end with his crazy iron bands.
As a side note, there are a couple more occasional themes I'm going to post about. I want to review movies made based on the story I'm reviewing - in this case most likely the Hallmark 'Frog Prince' and Disney's 'Princess and the Frog'; and I've also been asked to explore the lives of my More Interesting Side Characters, so there will be the occasional drabble or short story about them, their lives, and their motivations. Yes. Including The Horse from Faithful John.
Conversations:
#1:
I imagine this as a conversation happening around the beginning of the story. Scene: Daytime interior castle, King in throne, daughters playing music and doing needlework, enter Princess Jeanie!
Jeanie: Daaad....
King: *clears throat*
Jeanie: Oh. Sorry. Um. Your Majesty...
King: Yes, sunblossom?
Jeanie: Can I sta...
King: _May_, peachgoodness.
Jeanie: _May_ I stay inside and learn the lute today?
King: *puts down paper and takes off reading glasses, replaces these with 'glasses that are so loose I can look over the top of them at you' bought at the very same store Dumbledore shops at* Why applesnap, whatever is the matter with that golden ball I had made especially for you?
Jeanie: *looks at ball* ...it's really heavy, dad... it makes my arms hurt...
King: Builds character.
Jeanie: It's building my triceps too.
King: All princes like their princesses to have a little meat on them, honeysugarpie.
Jeanie: Not when I can armwrestle them, dad.
King: Nonsense! Gold and old wells are the best thing for a gell, it's what my mother swore by. Now go outside and play, you're far too pale.
Jeanie: But...
King: No buts!
#2:
Set shortly after Jeanie and His Frogship drive off in the carriage.
Jeanie: So - um - I've got to marry you now?
Frogship: That's right.
Jeanie: But I don't know you.
Frogship: That really doesn't matter, dear thing, we'll grow to love and adore each other within days.
Jeanie: Days?
Frogship: If not hours, it's how things work.
Jeanie: *pause* What if I say I don't want to marry you?
Frogship: Then I turn back into a frog and live with you the rest of your life anyway! *large white-toothed grin*
Jeanie: *gulp* .......so - about my gown for the wedding....
Poor Jeanie. She should have run off with Henry.
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Fairy Tale Review #2 The Frog King, or Iron Heinrich
The Frog King is a supremely well-known tale from Grimms, often included in that select baker's dozen or so that are always presented to children in most simple fairy tale books. Bright colours, Cinderella - Snow White - Pied Piper - Frog Prince. With pretty little princess, golden ball and all. One interesting thing is the 'kiss the frog' moment - which as you will see deviates somewhat from the classic Grimms' tale. Frog King is ATT 440 - The Frog King.
Now everyone knows the basic story, so I shall actually include the full text again. I believe occasionally I will just outline the stories - especially for the significantly long ones. Some from Lang, especially, are hefty hefty things.
The Story:
In olden times when wishing still helped one, there lived a king whose daughters were all beautiful, but the youngest was so beautiful that the sun itself, which has seen so much, was astonished whenever it shone in her face.
The sun here is anthropomorphised. Oddly this isn't unusual in fairy-tales. One could question how the sun could see the princess's face from so far away, but let's take their word for it. She is young and pretty. And the sun was impressed. Lovely thing to put on your resume.
Close by the king's castle lay a great dark forest, and under an old lime-tree in the forest was a well, and when the day was very warm, the king's child went out into the forest and sat down by the side of the cool fountain, and when she was bored she took a golden ball, and threw it up on high and caught it, and this ball was her favorite plaything.
That lime tree? Never appears again. You might think in a fairy-tale that something so specific would mean something, but it doesn't.
Literalist Problem #1: This is a great dark forest in Europe - probably Germany. So the king's daughter is playing alone and unsupervised in a dangerous forest full of wolves no doubt, on the edge of an old well. Did I mention alone?? Alone. Yes. That's bound to happen in royal families. Children are positively encouraged to seek out the most potentially-deadly places for their prospective playtime. There's even a test and check-list.
Now it so happened that on one occasion the princess's golden ball did not fall into the little hand which she was holding up for it, but on to the ground beyond, and rolled straight into the water. The king's daughter followed it with her eyes, but it vanished, and the well was deep, so deep that the bottom could not be seen.
BUT NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL!
At this she began to cry, and cried louder and louder, and could not be comforted.
Who would comfort her? She's alone! Or did the sun try?
And as she thus lamented someone said to her, "What ails you, king's daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity."
She looked round to the side from whence the voice came, and saw a frog stretching forth its big, ugly head from the water.
"Ah, old water-splasher, is it you," she said, "I am weeping for my golden ball, which has fallen into the well."
Note this. Not only is she not surprised to hear a frog talk suddenly, she also seems to actually know the frog. So possibly they have talked before. Maybe the Frog King has been trying to court her all this time and we never knew. And he got impatient and tired of being green and webby and so decided to steal her gold ball in a reverse of Artemis's race to get her to pay attention.
"Be quiet, and do not weep," answered the frog, "I can help you, but what will you give me if I bring your plaything up again?"
"Whatever you will have, dear frog," said she, "My clothes, my pearls and jewels, and even the golden crown which I am wearing."
The frog answered, "I do not care for your clothes, your pearls and jewels, nor for your golden crown, but if you will love me and let me be your companion and play-fellow, and sit by you at your little table, and eat off your little golden plate, and drink out of your little cup, and sleep in your little bed - if you will promise me this I will go down below, and bring you your golden ball up again."
Note first how fast he went from 'old water splasher' to 'dear frog'. I wonder if Jeanie (she needs a name, all right???) talks to everyone like this? 'Hello there old faded hair-snipper...' *insert offer of magical haircut* 'Dear dear sweet hairdresser!!!!'...
Secondly I love how logical the frog is in response to Jeanie's idiotic offer. Can you imagine a frog in a well wearing a dress? And exactly what was Jeanie going to wear on her walk back to the castle? Had she considered the scandal? The way the servants would talk?
Thirdly... the frog is creepy. Think about it. He's got a girl on her own, he's holding her hostage for a toy - a toy - and he wants her to promise to love and cherish him in return for the toy. This is very creepy. And inappropriate.
"Oh yes," said she, "I promise you all you wish, if you will but bring me my ball back again." But she thought, "How the silly frog does talk. All he does is to sit in the water with the other frogs, and croak. He can be no companion to any human being."
Technically he's not just croaking. He's talking to you, Jeanie, dear.
But the frog when he had received this promise, put his head into the water and sank down; and in a short while came swimmming up again with the ball in his mouth, and threw it on the grass. The king's daughter was delighted to see her pretty plaything once more, and picked it up, and ran away with it.
"Wait, wait," said the frog. "Take me with you. I can't run as you can." But what did it avail him to scream his croak, croak, after her, as loudly as he could. She did not listen to it, but ran home and soon forgot the poor frog, who was forced to go back into his well again.
You know - I can understand her reasoning. Think about it. A creepy dude has your cellphone. He says (in a dark alley far from any help) I'll give it back if you promise to take me home with you and make me your closest companion. Do you a. Say 'no' and run away without your cellphone; b. agree and keep your promise or c. agree and then run away as fast as you can once you have your cellphone back?
Literalist Problem #2: How big is that frog that he can carry a golden ball in his mouth? What is it with fairy-tales and their underestimation of how heavy gold is??
The next day when she had seated herself at table with the king and all the courtiers, and was eating from her little golden plate,
Is she related to Maude? (See Review #1) Are princesses genetically predisposed to adore gold?
something came creeping splish splash, splish splash, up the marble staircase, and when it had got to the top, it knocked at the door and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
She ran to see who was outside, but when she opened the door, there sat the frog in front of it.
Literalist Problem #3: Why is it creeping and not hopping? Why, on top of this, is it splashing when presumably it had to walk over dry ground to get to the castle from the wood? Is it raining outside? If it is loudly splashing outside and croaking, how did Jeanie not know who it was?
Then she slammed the door to, in great haste, sat down to dinner again, and was quite frightened. The king saw plainly that her heart was beating violently, and said, "My child, what are you so afraid of? Is there perchance a giant outside who wants to carry you away?" "Ah, no," replied she. "It is no giant but a disgusting frog."
Every friday is Giant Visitation night. Wednesdays are for random reptiles or amphibians.
"What does a frog want with you?"
"Ah, dear father, yesterday as I was in the forest sitting by the well, playing, my golden ball fell into the water. And because I cried so, the frog brought it out again for me, and because he so insisted, I promised him he should be my companion, but I never thought he would be able to come out of his water. And now he is outside there, and wants to come in to me."
In the meantime it knocked a second time, and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me, do you not know what you said to me yesterday by the cool waters of the well. Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
Then said the king, "That which you have promised must you perform. Go and let him in."
Literalist Problem #4: The king, after hearing this rather unhealthy tale, instead of ordering his guards to shoo away the frog insisting his daughter (talking frog problem aside) make it her companion... insists she actually take in the strange and probably enchanted animal. Who might be a witch or warlock. Or demon. Or be going to eat her or take her to fairyland. Why not at least question the enchanted animal first?
She went and opened the door, and the frog hopped in and followed her, step by step, to her chair. There he sat and cried, "Lift me up beside you." She delayed, until at last the king commanded her to do it. Once the frog was on the chair he wanted to be on the table, and when he was on the table he said, "Now, push your little golden plate nearer to me that we may eat together." She did this, but it was easy to see that she did not do it willingly. The frog enjoyed what he ate, but almost every mouthful she took choked her.
Does this surprise anyone?
At length he said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
The king's daughter began to cry, for she was afraid of the cold frog which she did not like to touch, and which was now to sleep in her pretty, clean little bed.
Um - question? How old is Jeanie? Because she's starting to actually sound very young and that would make this even more creepy.
But the king grew angry and said, "He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you."
Ahem: He who blackmailed you in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you?
So she took hold of the frog with two fingers, carried him upstairs, and put him in a corner, but when she was in bed he crept to her and said, "I am tired, I want to sleep as well as you, lift me up or I will tell your father."
At this she was terribly angry, and took him up and threw him with all her might against the wall.
"Now, will you be quiet, odious frog," said she.
So you see? She didn't kiss him.
But when he fell down he was no frog but a king's son with kind and beautiful eyes. He by her father's will was now her dear companion and husband.
....when.... did they get married???
Literalist Problem #5: I have never ever understood how a crushed and probably horrible maimed frog became a perfectly well prince.
Then he told her how he had been bewitched by a wicked witch, and how no one could have delivered him from the well but herself, and that to-morrow they would go together into his kingdom.
To which she had no choice at all.
Then they went to sleep, and next morning when the sun awoke them, a carriage came driving up with eight white horses, which had white ostrich feathers on their heads, and were harnessed with golden chains, and behind stood the young king's servant Faithful Henry.
See that? That means he is faithful. Seriously.
Faithful Henry had been so unhappy when his master was changed into a frog, that he had caused three iron bands to be laid round his heart, lest it should burst with grief and sadness.
Literalist Problem #6: How - did he - get iron - put round his HEART? Open heart surgery? Why didn't his body reject the foreign object? This is not medically sound!
Please note: My blog does not recommend the application of iron bands to the cariovascular system as a cure for grief.
The carriage was to conduct the young king into his kingdom. Faithful Henry helped them both in, and placed himself behind again, and was full of joy because of this deliverance. And when they had driven a part of the way the king's son heard a cracking behind him as if something had broken. So he turned round and cried, "Henry, the carriage is breaking." "No, master, it is not the carriage. It is a band from my heart, which was put there in my great pain when you were a frog and imprisoned in the well."
Seriously, Henry is pretty fascinating. What was he doing while the King was a frog? Why didn't he help the frog make better friends with the princess and develop a better dating technique? Who put the iron bands there and what is happening to them now that they're snapping?
Again and once again while they were on their way something cracked, and each time the king's son thought the carriage was breaking, but it was only the bands which were springing from the heart of Faithful Henry because his master was set free and was happy.
And the Frog King is not too bright.
In all, the story is actually a little more creepy than you probably realised when you were a child, and that magical and renowned kiss didn't actually happen in the original version. The way to a king's heart is violence and attempted murder. Remember that, ladies.
Now everyone knows the basic story, so I shall actually include the full text again. I believe occasionally I will just outline the stories - especially for the significantly long ones. Some from Lang, especially, are hefty hefty things.
The Story:
In olden times when wishing still helped one, there lived a king whose daughters were all beautiful, but the youngest was so beautiful that the sun itself, which has seen so much, was astonished whenever it shone in her face.
The sun here is anthropomorphised. Oddly this isn't unusual in fairy-tales. One could question how the sun could see the princess's face from so far away, but let's take their word for it. She is young and pretty. And the sun was impressed. Lovely thing to put on your resume.
Close by the king's castle lay a great dark forest, and under an old lime-tree in the forest was a well, and when the day was very warm, the king's child went out into the forest and sat down by the side of the cool fountain, and when she was bored she took a golden ball, and threw it up on high and caught it, and this ball was her favorite plaything.
That lime tree? Never appears again. You might think in a fairy-tale that something so specific would mean something, but it doesn't.
Literalist Problem #1: This is a great dark forest in Europe - probably Germany. So the king's daughter is playing alone and unsupervised in a dangerous forest full of wolves no doubt, on the edge of an old well. Did I mention alone?? Alone. Yes. That's bound to happen in royal families. Children are positively encouraged to seek out the most potentially-deadly places for their prospective playtime. There's even a test and check-list.
Now it so happened that on one occasion the princess's golden ball did not fall into the little hand which she was holding up for it, but on to the ground beyond, and rolled straight into the water. The king's daughter followed it with her eyes, but it vanished, and the well was deep, so deep that the bottom could not be seen.
BUT NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL!
At this she began to cry, and cried louder and louder, and could not be comforted.
Who would comfort her? She's alone! Or did the sun try?
And as she thus lamented someone said to her, "What ails you, king's daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity."
She looked round to the side from whence the voice came, and saw a frog stretching forth its big, ugly head from the water.
"Ah, old water-splasher, is it you," she said, "I am weeping for my golden ball, which has fallen into the well."
Note this. Not only is she not surprised to hear a frog talk suddenly, she also seems to actually know the frog. So possibly they have talked before. Maybe the Frog King has been trying to court her all this time and we never knew. And he got impatient and tired of being green and webby and so decided to steal her gold ball in a reverse of Artemis's race to get her to pay attention.
"Be quiet, and do not weep," answered the frog, "I can help you, but what will you give me if I bring your plaything up again?"
"Whatever you will have, dear frog," said she, "My clothes, my pearls and jewels, and even the golden crown which I am wearing."
The frog answered, "I do not care for your clothes, your pearls and jewels, nor for your golden crown, but if you will love me and let me be your companion and play-fellow, and sit by you at your little table, and eat off your little golden plate, and drink out of your little cup, and sleep in your little bed - if you will promise me this I will go down below, and bring you your golden ball up again."
Note first how fast he went from 'old water splasher' to 'dear frog'. I wonder if Jeanie (she needs a name, all right???) talks to everyone like this? 'Hello there old faded hair-snipper...' *insert offer of magical haircut* 'Dear dear sweet hairdresser!!!!'...
Secondly I love how logical the frog is in response to Jeanie's idiotic offer. Can you imagine a frog in a well wearing a dress? And exactly what was Jeanie going to wear on her walk back to the castle? Had she considered the scandal? The way the servants would talk?
Thirdly... the frog is creepy. Think about it. He's got a girl on her own, he's holding her hostage for a toy - a toy - and he wants her to promise to love and cherish him in return for the toy. This is very creepy. And inappropriate.
"Oh yes," said she, "I promise you all you wish, if you will but bring me my ball back again." But she thought, "How the silly frog does talk. All he does is to sit in the water with the other frogs, and croak. He can be no companion to any human being."
Technically he's not just croaking. He's talking to you, Jeanie, dear.
But the frog when he had received this promise, put his head into the water and sank down; and in a short while came swimmming up again with the ball in his mouth, and threw it on the grass. The king's daughter was delighted to see her pretty plaything once more, and picked it up, and ran away with it.
"Wait, wait," said the frog. "Take me with you. I can't run as you can." But what did it avail him to scream his croak, croak, after her, as loudly as he could. She did not listen to it, but ran home and soon forgot the poor frog, who was forced to go back into his well again.
You know - I can understand her reasoning. Think about it. A creepy dude has your cellphone. He says (in a dark alley far from any help) I'll give it back if you promise to take me home with you and make me your closest companion. Do you a. Say 'no' and run away without your cellphone; b. agree and keep your promise or c. agree and then run away as fast as you can once you have your cellphone back?
Literalist Problem #2: How big is that frog that he can carry a golden ball in his mouth? What is it with fairy-tales and their underestimation of how heavy gold is??
The next day when she had seated herself at table with the king and all the courtiers, and was eating from her little golden plate,
Is she related to Maude? (See Review #1) Are princesses genetically predisposed to adore gold?
something came creeping splish splash, splish splash, up the marble staircase, and when it had got to the top, it knocked at the door and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
She ran to see who was outside, but when she opened the door, there sat the frog in front of it.
Literalist Problem #3: Why is it creeping and not hopping? Why, on top of this, is it splashing when presumably it had to walk over dry ground to get to the castle from the wood? Is it raining outside? If it is loudly splashing outside and croaking, how did Jeanie not know who it was?
Then she slammed the door to, in great haste, sat down to dinner again, and was quite frightened. The king saw plainly that her heart was beating violently, and said, "My child, what are you so afraid of? Is there perchance a giant outside who wants to carry you away?" "Ah, no," replied she. "It is no giant but a disgusting frog."
Every friday is Giant Visitation night. Wednesdays are for random reptiles or amphibians.
"What does a frog want with you?"
"Ah, dear father, yesterday as I was in the forest sitting by the well, playing, my golden ball fell into the water. And because I cried so, the frog brought it out again for me, and because he so insisted, I promised him he should be my companion, but I never thought he would be able to come out of his water. And now he is outside there, and wants to come in to me."
In the meantime it knocked a second time, and cried, "Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me, do you not know what you said to me yesterday by the cool waters of the well. Princess, youngest princess, open the door for me."
Then said the king, "That which you have promised must you perform. Go and let him in."
Literalist Problem #4: The king, after hearing this rather unhealthy tale, instead of ordering his guards to shoo away the frog insisting his daughter (talking frog problem aside) make it her companion... insists she actually take in the strange and probably enchanted animal. Who might be a witch or warlock. Or demon. Or be going to eat her or take her to fairyland. Why not at least question the enchanted animal first?
She went and opened the door, and the frog hopped in and followed her, step by step, to her chair. There he sat and cried, "Lift me up beside you." She delayed, until at last the king commanded her to do it. Once the frog was on the chair he wanted to be on the table, and when he was on the table he said, "Now, push your little golden plate nearer to me that we may eat together." She did this, but it was easy to see that she did not do it willingly. The frog enjoyed what he ate, but almost every mouthful she took choked her.
Does this surprise anyone?
At length he said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
The king's daughter began to cry, for she was afraid of the cold frog which she did not like to touch, and which was now to sleep in her pretty, clean little bed.
Um - question? How old is Jeanie? Because she's starting to actually sound very young and that would make this even more creepy.
But the king grew angry and said, "He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you."
Ahem: He who blackmailed you in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you?
So she took hold of the frog with two fingers, carried him upstairs, and put him in a corner, but when she was in bed he crept to her and said, "I am tired, I want to sleep as well as you, lift me up or I will tell your father."
At this she was terribly angry, and took him up and threw him with all her might against the wall.
"Now, will you be quiet, odious frog," said she.
So you see? She didn't kiss him.
But when he fell down he was no frog but a king's son with kind and beautiful eyes. He by her father's will was now her dear companion and husband.
....when.... did they get married???
Literalist Problem #5: I have never ever understood how a crushed and probably horrible maimed frog became a perfectly well prince.
Then he told her how he had been bewitched by a wicked witch, and how no one could have delivered him from the well but herself, and that to-morrow they would go together into his kingdom.
To which she had no choice at all.
Then they went to sleep, and next morning when the sun awoke them, a carriage came driving up with eight white horses, which had white ostrich feathers on their heads, and were harnessed with golden chains, and behind stood the young king's servant Faithful Henry.
See that? That means he is faithful. Seriously.
Faithful Henry had been so unhappy when his master was changed into a frog, that he had caused three iron bands to be laid round his heart, lest it should burst with grief and sadness.
Literalist Problem #6: How - did he - get iron - put round his HEART? Open heart surgery? Why didn't his body reject the foreign object? This is not medically sound!
Please note: My blog does not recommend the application of iron bands to the cariovascular system as a cure for grief.
The carriage was to conduct the young king into his kingdom. Faithful Henry helped them both in, and placed himself behind again, and was full of joy because of this deliverance. And when they had driven a part of the way the king's son heard a cracking behind him as if something had broken. So he turned round and cried, "Henry, the carriage is breaking." "No, master, it is not the carriage. It is a band from my heart, which was put there in my great pain when you were a frog and imprisoned in the well."
Seriously, Henry is pretty fascinating. What was he doing while the King was a frog? Why didn't he help the frog make better friends with the princess and develop a better dating technique? Who put the iron bands there and what is happening to them now that they're snapping?
Again and once again while they were on their way something cracked, and each time the king's son thought the carriage was breaking, but it was only the bands which were springing from the heart of Faithful Henry because his master was set free and was happy.
And the Frog King is not too bright.
In all, the story is actually a little more creepy than you probably realised when you were a child, and that magical and renowned kiss didn't actually happen in the original version. The way to a king's heart is violence and attempted murder. Remember that, ladies.
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