Tatterhood: Idiot Prizes, Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character, or How Disturbing Is That??

Idiot Prizes:

Oh this one is really hard! I mean there are two characters in this story who stand out to me, and I feel they both deserve a mention, if for completely different reasons. The first is the Queen. Let’s call her Queen Marsha. She has so many incidents of absolute idiocy that I don’t know where to start. The fascinating thing is that her idiocy is so inconsistent.

1.       She wanders around her kingdom mooning over the way common folk parent their children.

2.       She literally wants a child so that she can scold them.

3.       When she adopts Beth she lets her play in an area of the castle where vagabonds and beggars can frequent – with a gold ball. Apparently a gold ball is a must-have accessory for princesses this season. I hate to reinforce a gender stereotype, but was there really that much demand for princesses with such well defined wrist and arm muscles? Not to mention the fact that the princess would make such a perfecthostage if anyone was – oh I don’t know – trying to invade, wanting money, particularly disgruntled. Even worse this country regularly has attacks from a band of witches and ogres. Shouldn’t Princess Beth be at least inside some sort of inner courtyard? One could theorise that this is just a very socialistic monarchy – but considering the fact that Marsha reacts so violently to Beth’s friendship with Charlotte, I doubt that’s the case.

4.       She calls Beth up to her rooms and doesn’t think to add ‘And leave your new friend downstairs’ or keep watching so she could see that her adopted daughter was bringing her new bestest friend with her.

5.       She personally drives Charlotte out of her personal chambers. This is more a WTF than an idiot prize, but honestly. She doesn’t have the kid removed by a guard or sent away by a maid. It reads like Marsha is sort of flapping her arms at Charlotte ineffectually.

6.       She believes a child who claims her mother is magical and leaves said child alone with her adopted daughter.

7.       That wouldn’t be an idiot prize on its own considering how often beggars ARE magical, but then Marsha believes the beggar woman when she shrugs it off.

8.       And ultimately crowning this incredibly indecisive to-and-fro is where the queen promptly believes a beggar child when said child tells her ‘Oh no, my mother only remembers being magical once she’s drunk.’ How likely was it that Charlotte and her mother tend to play this ruse frequently in order to steal wine from rich people?

9.       She eats both flowers. Like she literally goes ‘eh, one tasted good the other won’t do any harm’. Even though she had been told by a magical woman who gave her possibly the most roundabout bizarre way of getting a baby ever – NOT to eat the second flower under ANY circumstances.

10.   She then acts surprised when something bad happens. I use ‘bad’ loosely. Because apparently ‘bad’ is giving birth to a child riding a goat, wearing clothes, talking, holding a wooden spoon and looking a bit grey. That’s not something that would make you think ‘hey, maybe my kid is special’. Or even ‘hey, maybe this is a demon child and I should foster her out’.

11.   She stops caring about Beth.

12.   She lets Ogres and Witches run around her palace and steal her daughter’s head.

13.   She lets both children sail off alone on a ship they can’t possibly control and she never seems to try to find out where they are.

I can’t decide whether she is impressively stupid, outrageously neglectful or just plain didn’t care, but whtever it was – she wins the prize.

Runner up by a hair is Prince Sam. As example:

                Prince Sam: Oh woe. WOE. I have had a marriage arranged for me.

Prince Sam:  Even though that is frequent, common, and something I would have expected anyway.

Prince Sam: Not only this but my wife is the heir to a kingdom

Prince Sam: and capable of defeating large hordes of witches.

Prince Same: I am SO depressed!

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Her goat turned into a horse when I asked about it I’m sure that’s not something I should find at all interesting.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Huh. And now her wooden spoon is a fan. Yawn.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: Wait – she’s wearing a crown now… it’s like this is a memetic pattern being used because these stories are based off oral tales and thrive on repetition to make a point and raise tension. It’s almost like this is leading up to something and I should have realised what that is by now. Or… nah. Nah I’m imagining things.

Prince Sam:

Prince Sam: WHAT THE FUCK SHE’S PRETTY NOW WHO SAW THAT COMING.

Side-Characters More Interesting Than The Main Character:

We aren’t going to get into this with Tatterhood because as interesting as Beth and Charlotte are, no character quite beats out a baby born riding a goat with a wooden spoon in her hand and wearing a hood while speaking legibly in full sentences.

How Disturbing Is That??

The King and Queen adopted a child just so they would have someone to scold. This is a fairytale about abusive, neglectful parents. When you really think about it – they shelve Beth when Abigail comes along. They try to lock Tatterhood out of the way because she embarrasses them. They let Abigail get attacked by witches. They let their kids sail away forever. They really seemed only to want children as accessories in the first place.

That, the fact that Charlotte was at ease with her mother’s alcoholism and the surgery Tatterhood performs on Abigail to return her head are all just about the most disturbing things in this story.

I still wanna know how old the king is, though.

New Things and Old Things

Hi there, it's been a while! I've explained my absence over in the latest Literal Review post, so head on there to see my pretty weak excuses. I love this blog and even though I don't always have much time I'd really like to continue working on my project of looking at all the bizarre things fairy tales have to teach us. That said (and realising of course that there are very few of you lovely people reading) what elements would you like to see continue from my older posts? Do you want to see more survival guides? More interesting side characters? More 'what they should have said' conversations? More Ask the Raven?

Let me know, I'm still figuring out where I'm going from here. I'll probably return to my Disney Princess efforts until I've finished them at least - Sleeping Beauty is gonna be fun!

Literal Review - Tatterhood

I know I promised you Cinderella – oh, I don’t know – four years ago now? I did write half the review, drew the conclusion that Cinderella’s stepfamily were terrified of her witch-like powers, and promptly lost, forgot, and otherwise reneged on my word. It’s been a very busy few years for me. I’ve finished my studies extramurally which may perhaps explain why writing up reviews of fairytales on my blog was not my top priority for a while there. I moved countries and jobs and through this all I have never lost my adoration for the simple pleasure of the absurdity and joy found in a fairy tale. So here we are once again.

Today’s story is absolutely epic in my opinion. It’s one of the lesser-well-known stories and not technically from the Grimms coda, instead coming from AT type 711, the beautiful and the ugly twin, and collected by Asbjørnsen and Moe. Curiously when it comes to this type of story – the ugly twin is rarely evil. Perhaps there is some inherent magic in being a twin, perhaps it is a testament to the close filial relationship. Either way – as will be covered in my next Survival Guide posting – sometimes there are exceptions to the general rule that ugly siblings are always evil. Similar stories include Kate Crackernuts (a story I also intend to review as it is also absolutely awesome), and Prince Lindworm – a slightly darker 19^th century tale where the snake sibling eats a bunch of girls because they don’t want to marry a snake. :D

Anyway, on with the story!

Once upon a time there was a king and a queen who had no children, and that made the queen very sad. She seldom had a happy hour. She was always crying and complaining, and saying how dull and lonesome it was in the palace. "If we had children there would be life enough," she said.

Okay, I assume from where the issue goes from here that they are barren. So why not adopt? Why does no one adopt in these stories? It’s a viable option, people. You live in a society that pretty much condemns parent-less children to die in wildernesses, or at least to wander around getting into trouble in candy huts or drinking from animal footprints and turning into deer! ALSO it’s a fairytale tenant that even evil children are at worst merely stubborn or a little bit rude or perhaps a bit selfish. No fairytale parent was ever murdered by their child without first thoroughly deserving it. So what is the excuse of this king and queen? She wants children around her palace so much? House a few of the homeless! Don’t go out and wish for a thumb-tall or hedgehog shaped child.

 Wherever she went in all her realm she found God's blessing in children, even in the poorest hut. And wherever she went she heard women scolding their children, and saying how they had done this and that wrong. The queen heard all this, and thought it would be so nice to do as other women did.

Literalist problem no. 1: Really? The queen just spent her time wandering around the houses of the poor listening to them scolding their children and wishing for the day when her own child would annoy her enough that she could scold it too? Really? Why does royalty never rule in these stories? It’s almost like the people who made them up had a vague and very romantic idea of what it meant to be a Royal.

At last the king and queen took into their palace an adopted girl to raise, that they might always have her with them, to love her if she did well, and scold her if she did wrong, like their own child.

Boy do I stand corrected. I thought about changing my comment above when I read this, but in all fairness it was my reaction as I read (even though I’ve read this story before, I obviously forgot this part) so it stands. Here we are, a lovely example of a sensible reaction from the Queen and King. Though I’m disturbed by the implication that this couple intends to only love the child if she does well. I mean it’s a child. You can’t tell a child ‘We love you while you’re good, darling. But when you make mistakes Mommy and Daddy hate you with the burning passion of a thousand writers being reminded that 50 Shades of Grey is a best seller’.

One day the little girl whom they had taken as their own, ran down into the palace yard, and was playing with a golden apple. Just then an old beggar woman came by, who had a little girl with her, and it wasn't long before the little girl and the beggar's child were great friends, and began to play together, and to toss the golden apple about between them.

AWWW. This is ADORABLE. I now wholeheartedly LOVE this adopted child – who needs a name. Beth. Beth is a sweetheart. I mean she might have come from a poorer family herself which would explain her lack of social prejudice, but either way this shows a wonderful sense of equality and acceptance in a little princess! And the beggar girl gets huge marks as well since she apparently is totally comfortable in a palace yard playing catch with a golden apple (there’s that princess-y adoration of gold again) and that takes a lot of guts. Let’s call the beggar girl Charlotte. Charlotte and Beth. BFFs.

When the queen saw this, as she sat at a window in the palace, she tapped on the pane for her foster daughter to come up. She went at once, but the beggar girl went up too; and as they went into the queen's apartment, each held the other by the hand.

AWWWWWW. Geeze. That’s amazingly cute. :D Lookit them all small and best friends and holding hands and excuse me while I squeal. Even literalists are sometimes overcome by the cute.

Then the queen began to scold the little lady, and to say, "You ought to be above running about and playing with a tattered beggar's brat." And she started to drive the girl down the stairs.

Whoah now. Don’t you disrespect Beth’s friend.

"If the queen only knew my mother's power, she'd not drive me out," said the little girl; and when the queen asked what she meant more plainly, she told her how her mother could get her children if she chose. The queen wouldn't believe it, but the girl insisted, and said that every word of it was true, and asked the queen only to try and make her mother do it. So the queen sent the girl down to fetch up her mother.

I have mixed feelings about this conversation. On one hand – BOOYAH. Go Charlotte! Stand up to the queen and make her understand Rule no. 5 in fairytale survival – NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR APPEARANCES EVER (except if it’s a pretty girl who is a youngest sister cos then she’s fine). On the other hand – this demonstrates a lot of knowledge from Charlotte. I suppose one could assume that since the Queen kept moaning about wanting children and kept going on and on about it and going around spying on people to watch the kids… uh… which is kinda creepy now I think about it… Anyway, considering all that I suppose it’s not too far-fetched that everyone would know that the Queen is baby mad. Still, it’s a bit odd that Charlotte’s first reaction to being driven away from the palace (surely not something that would come as any great surprise to her considering the socio-political state of a monarchistic regime) is to offer the Queen a baby. I mean… Charlotte is just a child. It makes me suspect that she’s something of a fairy underneath all that innocence.

Also – Charlotte! What are you thinking? Beth LIVES here! If the Queen gets a kid of her own what on earth will happen to Beth? D: Protect your BFF’s interests! This kind of thing is the stuff Royal Assassinations, Murders and Wars are made of!

"Do you know what your daughter says?" asked the queen of the old woman, as soon as ever she came into the room.

No, the beggar woman knew nothing about it.

"Well, she says you can get me children if you will," answered the queen.

"Queens shouldn't listen to beggar girls' silly stories," said the old woman, and walked out of the room.

Which, you know, is an excellent point in the Beggar Woman’s favour. The Queen really shouldn’t have listened to Charlotte.

Then the queen got angry, and wanted again to drive out the little girl; but she declared it was true every word that she had said.

"Let the queen only give my mother something to drink," said the girl; "when she gets tipsy she'll soon find out a way to help you."

Colour me impressed. So not only was Charlotte only giving the queen part of the information she needed, but she managed to stay in the palace with her BFF Beth while the Queen investigated? No doubt solidifying the friendship of a lifetime? And then when an angry Queen (a Queen, mind) comes back to scold her she’s just all ‘Huh? Oh. No. Mom’s gotta be drunk. Sheesh.’

The queen was ready to try this; so the beggar woman was fetched up again, and treated with as much wine and mead as she wanted; and so it was not long before her tongue began to wag. Then the queen came out again with the same question she had asked before.

Awww. :( So many sad things in this from Charlotte knowing that her mom drinks too much through to the beggar woman only being able to do magic when drunk. That’s really sad.

"Perhaps I know one way to help you," said the beggar woman. "Your majesty must make them bring in two pails of water some evening before you go to bed. Wash yourself in each of them, and afterwards throw the water under your bed. When you look under your bed the next morning, two flowers will have sprung up, a beautiful one and an ugly one. Eat the beautiful one but leave the ugly alone. Be careful not to forget this last bit of advice." That was what the beggar woman said.

Okay – a little note on fairytale warnings. If a magic being tells you, say: ‘Go to the cabin in the woods and draw three pails of water from the well behind it. Bathe in the first pail and drink the second but make sure you throw the last over the tree at the back of the property for if you don’t a bear will eat you alive’ then the main character will generally do as the magic being says because we don’t want them eaten by a bear. However if it is phrased: ‘Go to the cabin in the woods and draw three pails of water from the well behind it. Bathe in the first pail and drink the second but make sure you throw the last over the tree at the back of the property,’ and there is no explanation as to WHY, the main character will be overcome with a powerful thirst and drink both pails of water and end up with diamond skin or an invisible head or the ability to hear animals or something similar. It’s not dissimilar to the rule that if a character explains their plan in a movie or tv show then the plan will fail, but if they say ‘I have a plan’ and the camera cuts to later then the plan will most likely succeed.

What I’m driving at is that we already know the Queen will eat both flowers just because the beggar woman didn’t say what would happen if she did.  

Yes, the queen did what the beggar woman advised her to do; she had the water brought up in two pails, washed herself in them, and emptied them under the bed;

The last part is just so hilarious to me. Can you imagine the king watching this? Okay honey – you’re bathing in our chambers tonight? That’s a bit unusual. Okay. Uh… Uh… did you just pour water under our bed? Honey? Under our bed?? It will warp the floorboards!

and when she looked under the bed the next morning, there stood two flowers; one was ugly and foul, and had black leaves; but the other was so bright, and fair, and lovely, she had never seen anything like it, so she ate it up at once. But the pretty flower tasted so sweet, that she couldn't help herself. She ate the other one too, for, she thought, "I'm sure that it can't hurt or help me much either way."

SEE???? An interesting side note is that generally speaking the repercussions for disobeying this type of warning are usually not dire. Your hair turns into gold, you end up with an ugly but oddly useful child, you find gold under your pillow, you can understand creatures… It’s a very specific kind of warning though and is always to do with magical items like touching magic water or eating the liver of a magical bird. This doesn’t apply to warnings from your husband not to look in his cellar.

Well, sure enough, after a while the queen was brought to bed. First of all, she had a girl who had a wooden spoon in her hand, and rode upon a goat. She was disgusting and ugly, and the very moment she came into the world she bawled out "Mamma."

I’m sorry, I refuse to believe that a child who can speak from birth and is born riding a magical steed and holding a weapon is not the most amazing thing ever.

"If I'm your mamma," said the queen, "God give me grace to mend my ways."

Good god. There’s a reason this woman was never meant to have children.

"Oh, don't be sorry," said the girl on the goat, "for one will soon come after me who is better looking."

:( It’s kind of sad that Tatterhood (yes, this is the title character and yes that’s all the name she gets, remember Survival guide #1 for this) is so blasé about her mother’s obvious disgust. Even from birth she obviously recognised that her mother was rather shallow and not very bright and she was just going to have to ignore her.

After a while, the queen had another girl, who was so beautiful and sweet that no one had ever set eyes on such a lovely child. You may be sure that the queen was very well pleased. The elder twin they called "Tatterhood," because she was always so ugly and ragged, and because she had a hood which hung about her ears in tatters. The queen could hardly bear to look at her. The nurses tried to shut her up in a room by herself, but it did no good. She always had to be where the younger twin was, and no one could ever keep them apart.

So – the legitimate heir to the throne was passed over for her younger twin, but thanks to the fact that her twin was rather attached to her, no one could lock her in a tower for the rest of her life? Fairytale First World Problems, much? And what happened to the queen wanting to raise her children herself and scold them and so forth? Suddenly they need nurses?

Oh, and Beth and Charlotte? Never mentioned again. I like to pretend they ran away together and became badass heroines with Charlotte’s mother who only drinks when she has to do magic. That’s just me. It’s just as possible that Beth is shut up in her room somewhere. Or has been sent away. Or killed. L

One Christmas eve, when they were half grown up,

Remember this.

there arose a frightful noise and clatter in the hallway outside the queen's apartment. Tatterhood asked what it was that was making such a noise outside.

"Oh," said the queen, "it isn't worth asking about."

But Tatterhood wouldn't give in until she found out all about it; and so the queen told her it was a pack of trolls and witches who had come there to celebrate Christmas.

I keep imagining the queen as a sort of royal Mrs Bennett. Kind of nervous and prone to nagging and rather shallow and totally wrapped up in the lives of her children even though she plays obvious favourites and is supremely conscious of her social position. I love this, though. Not only does the Queen try to fob off her obviously insanely clever child (came out of the womb able to ride and speaking in full sentences!) with a very bad excuse, but she also apparently lets trolls and witches inhabit the castle for Christmas. Why? Are they family members?

 So Tatterhood said that she would just go out and drive them away. In spite of all they could say, and however much they begged and asked her to leave the trolls alone,

Awww. They do care.

BUT DID THEY CARE ABOUT BETH???

she just had to go out and drive the witches off. She begged the queen to be careful and keep all the doors shut tight, so that not one of them would open the least bit.

Again, note that this is a threat/warning with no reason given. Now, what does that mean, class? Yes! It means it won’t be followed!

Having said this, off she went with her wooden spoon, and began to hunt out and drive away the hags. All the while there was such a commotion out in the gallery that the like of it had never before been heard. The whole palace creaked and groaned as if every joint and beam were going to be torn out of its place.

Okay, Beth aside, I love Tatterhood. Can you blame me? She’s amazing! She’s half-grown here, which I assume to mean between 8 and 9 since fairytales tend to take 16 and 18 as a good indication of adult-hood. However she still manages to drive off a party of witches and trolls so scary that not even all her mother’s guards and soldiers were able to take them on. Not only that but she knows better than the adults and she KNOWS that she does. She’s the one making them all promise to keep the doors closed as though they were children.

 Now I can't say exactly what happened; but somehow or other one door did open a little bit, and her twin sister just peeped out to see how things were going with Tatterhood, and put her head a tiny bit through the opening.

Twin is rather a darling. Let’s call her Abigail. Abigail is the only one who seems to really love Tatterhood (remember, it’s only because they’re so close that the nurses weren’t able to lock Tatterhood away in a tower forever) and she’s the one who worries about her sister with all the commotion going on and tries to check on her. Also, she’s only 8-9 so you can hardly blame her for not listening to her sister’s warnings! It’s the ADULTS who should have been protecting her. Or – I don’t know – giving her sister a hand.

But, pop! up came an old witch, and whipped off her head, and stuck a calf's head on her shoulders instead; and so the princess ran back into the room on all fours, and began to "moo" like a calf.

I kind of like that the story basically owns the fact that the princess is now a calf because she has a calf-head. It’s quite a cool touch. However, what? What the what? Was the witch just waiting for this to happen like she’s playing a game of Whackamole? Hovering near the door waiting for a person to pop up so she could switch their head with Random Barn Animal? Actually that’s a good idea for a variant of Whackamole. Game app makers, take note.

When Tatterhood came back and saw her sister, she scolded them all, and was very angry because they hadn't kept better watch, and asked them what they thought of their carelessness now that her sister had been turned into a calf.

I love that Tatterhood has everyone so cowed. I can imagine this little princess stomping up and down in front of this group of courtiers – ‘Didn’t I tell you to keep the doors closed?’ ‘Yes princess.’ ‘Why did I tell you that?’ ‘Because there are trolls outside, princess.’ ‘And what happened??’ ‘Abigail was turned into a calf, princess.’ ‘Aren’t you all ashamed???’ ‘Yes, princess.’

"But I'll see if I can't set her free," she said.

Then she asked the king for a ship with a full set of sails and good load of stores, but she would not have a captain or any sailors. No; she would sail away with her sister all alone. There was no holding her back, and at last they let her have her own way.

Literalist problem no. 2 – even though this story is so gloriously BAMF that I can barely bring myself to doubt it and instead run most of this awesome insanity through a filter of ‘Because Tatterhood Is Awesome’. Okay. So the King is alive? Great! I was beginning to wonder, what with his wife looking to lock away his heir and letting evil magical fiends take over the palace during Christmas and all. Is he really going to allow his only children to set sail in a ship with no crew? How does anyone expect an 8-year old to sail a ship? She’s not old enough for one thing, and for another I really don’t think you can man (woman, whatever) a ship with a ‘full set of sails’ with only one person. And how is she going to find her way? I mean she’s never done this before, has she? Does she know how to navigate? And everyone just goes along with it because – what? She’s stubborn? She rides a goat? She’s a Capricorn?

Tatterhood sailed off, and steered her ship right up to the land where the witches lived.

HOW DID SHE FIND THIS??

When she came to the landing place, she told her sister to stay quite still on board the ship; but she herself rode on her goat up to the witches' castle. When she got there, one of the windows in the gallery was open, and there she saw her sister's head hung up on the window frame; so she jumped her goat through the window into the gallery, snapped up the head, and set off with it.

That goat is epic. Also – does it creep anyone else out that the witches obviously have a set system in place for what happens to the heads they steal? Or that the head is still just fine and not – dead or rotting or… you know… dead? Even Star Trek couldn’t manage to keep Spock’s body alive indefinitely without his brain, and that’s Star Trek. These people are keeping a head alive with a picture frame!

The witches came after her to try to get the head back. They flocked around her as thick as a swarm of bees or a nest of ants. The goat snorted and puffed, and butted with his horns, and Tatterhood beat and banged them about with her wooden spoon; and so the pack of witches had to give up. So Tatterhood got back to her ship, took the calf's head off her sister, and put her own on again, and then she became a girl as she had been before. After that she sailed a long, long way, to a strange king's realm.

Tatterhood and her Goat – more than a match for a lot of witches. About a beeswarm or antnest amount, in fact. She’s eight, people. Remember that.

She’s also either a master surgeon or magically powerful considering she removed a cow’s head from her sister’s body and returned her own head without killing her sister. One could suppose it’s a little like the hearts from Once Upon a Time (can anyone really explain how those work? They make no consistent sense) but even so, that still implies magic as even if the head will return on its own she still had to REMOVE the calf head.

One should probably note that it’s likely when the story says ‘long long way’ it also means ‘long long time’ considering what happens next is otherwise rather inappropriate for an eight year old. So in my head canon Tatterhood and Abigail decided not to return to their mother because she was a bit trying and instead became explorers and adventurers.

Now the king of this land was a widower, and had an only son. When he saw the strange sail, he sent messengers down to the beach to find out where it came from, and who owned it; but when the king's men came down there, the only person they saw on board was Tatterhood, and there she was, riding around and around the deck on her goat at full speed, until her strands of hair streamed in the wind. The men from the palace were all amazed at this sight, and asked if more people were not on board. Yes, there were; she had a sister with her, said Tatterhood. They wanted to see her too, but Tatterhood said no.

I bet they played this trick on every country they came to. Abigail would hide, giggling into her pirate bandana while Tatterhood rode around and acted crazy. Then with the element of surprise she drops from above like a ninja princess and Tatterhood turns into the one-woman-army we know she is. Victory is theirs.

"No one shall see her, unless the king comes himself," she said; and so she began to gallop about on her goat until the deck thundered again.

One has to admire her economy of spirit. She knows that just riding around an empty ship on a goat is enough not only to pique curiosity but also to scare people enough that they won’t just try to force the issue. In fact, this is probably missing from General Sun Tsu’s Art of War: ‘When in doubt of your enemy, ride a goat. It fucks with their heads.’

When the servants got back to the palace, and told what they had seen and heard down at the ship, the king wanted to set out at once to see the girl that rode on the goat. When he arrived there, Tatterhood brought out her sister, and she was so beautiful and gentle that the king immediately fell head over heels in love with her.

I like that Tatterhood is obviously looking out for her sister here. No man is good enough except the king himself! Also, how OLD is this King and where is his wife??

He brought them both back with him to the palace, and wanted to have the sister for his queen; but Tatterhood said "No," the king couldn't have her in any way, unless the king's son would take Tatterhood.

Hell yes, Tatterhood! You stick up for yourself!

No, seriously, how old is this guy? Did he just age in a Harrison Ford/Clint Eastwood/Richard Gere/Hugh Jackman/Martin Shaw sort of way so it doesn’t matter?

That, as you may guess, the prince did not want to do at all, because Tatterhood was such an ugly hussy.

Okay. Dude. She’s an heir to a throne. She is magic. She is a one-woman army. She’s insanely practical and clever. And you don’t want to marry her because she isn’t pretty? Hussy is a bit strong, don’t you think?

However, at last the king and all the others in the palace talked him into it, and he gave in, promising to take her for his queen; but it went sore against his grain, and he was a very sad man.

Boo hoo.

Now they began making preparations for the wedding, both with brewing and baking; and when all was ready, they went to church. The prince thought it the worst church service he had ever been to in all his life. The king left first with his bride, and she was so lovely and so grand, all the people stopped to look at her along the road, and they stared at her until she was out of sight. After them came the prince on horseback by the side of Tatterhood, who trotted along on her goat with her wooden spoon in her fist. To look at him, he was not going to a wedding, but to a burial, and his own at that. He seemed so sad, and did not speak a word.

You could learn from Gawain, Prince Sam. He at least didn’t want to upset the less-than-beautiful Lady Ragnall. He was nice about it. You’re being a dick.

"Why don't you talk?" asked Tatterhood, when they had ridden a bit.

"Why, what should I talk about?" answered the prince.

Ooooo. That’s just rude.

"Well, you might at least ask me why I ride upon this ugly goat," said Tatterhood.

"Why do you ride on that ugly goat?" asked the prince.

"Is it an ugly goat? Why, it's the most beautiful horse that a bride ever rode," answered Tatterhood; and in an instant the goat became a horse, the finest that the prince had ever seen.

Yeah, she’s magic. Though I really liked the goat. :(

They rode on a bit further, but the prince was just as sad as before, and couldn't say a word. So Tatterhood asked him again why he didn't talk, and when the prince answered, he didn't know what to talk about, she said, "Well, you can ask me why I ride with this ugly spoon in my fist."

"Why do you ride with that ugly spoon?" asked the prince.

"Is it an ugly spoon? Why, it's the loveliest silver fan that a bride ever carried," said Tatterhood; and in an instant it became a silver fan, so bright that it glistened.

No! The magic spoon! Why are you changing her, prince?? I liked her the way she was!! Also, dude. If I were you I would have gotten the hint by now and followed that with a question about her clothes and her beauty. Do you really need to be coached into this?

They rode a little way further, but the prince was still just as sad, and did not say a word. In a little while Tatterhood asked him again why he didn't talk, and told him to ask why she wore the ugly gray hood on her head.

"Why do you wear that ugly gray hood on your head?" asked the prince.

"Is it an ugly hood? Why, it's the brightest golden crown that a bride ever wore," answered Tatterhood, and it became a crown at once.

But the hood was such a good disguise and such great camouflage! D:

Now they rode a long way further, and the prince was so sad, that he sat without making a sound or uttering a word, just as before.

Because he can’t get a hint.

So his bride asked him again why he didn't talk, and told him to ask now why her face was so ugly and gray?

Her skin was grey? That’s the only thing that makes her ‘ugly’? Really? You guys suck.

"Yes," asked the prince, "why is your face so ugly and gray?"

"Am I ugly? You think my sister beautiful, but I am ten times more beautiful," said the bride, and when the prince looked at her, she was so beautiful, he thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. After that it was no wonder that the prince found his tongue, and no longer rode along with his head hanging down.

Shallow prat.

Okay, so I get that he didn’t want to marry this madwoman who turned up out of the blue making weird bargains with his father. It’s kind of fair and shows a certain amount of sense on his part. Often if an ugly, obviously magical woman makes a deal with a king that lets the king have a beautiful bride there’s something seriously weird going on and swans may be in someone’s future. However, she’s been staying in his house and she’s a down-to-earth practical woman who is really fun and brave and interesting and I’m sure her sister boosted her to him so in my opinion since he agreed to marry her he could at least do so in good grace.

So they drank the bridal cup both deep and long, and, after that, both prince and king set out with their brides to the princesses' palace, and there they had another bridal feast, and drank once more, both deep and long. There was no end to the celebration. Now run quickly to the king's palace, and there will still be a drop of the bridal ale left for you.

Yeah – I’m always a little worried by the ‘and the wedding never ended’ ends to fairytales. WHO IS RUNNING THE KINGDOM??

Whatever happened to Beth? Do the twins ever go home to visit? Does the beggar woman ever get to a position in her life where she doesn’t have to drink to solve her problems? How old is the King? Why on earth was Tatterhood born holding a wooden spoon and riding a goat??

Most Interesting Side Characters - Fair Brown and Trembling

Oh who are we kidding? It’s obvious the clear winner of this category is the Henwife! However there are some runners up so I will discuss them all in turn.

The Henwife wins outright on the merit of her extraordinary pragmatism. In fact, rereading the story after a few years it strikes me how pragmatic the conversations are in it. There’s none of the overblown drama of some of the Grimms or Lang fairytales, no speeches of undying love or loss, just a princess and a Henwife kicking back and talking about life. Particularly pertinent is the example of the second time the Henwife helps Trembling – where she asks if Trembling is going to the church and Trembling says ‘if I could get the going’ which seems like a laid-back sort of way to ask the Henwife to help (or annoyingly passive-aggressive depending on the tone). Anyway, this Henwife! This Henwife, people! Look at her. She’s so unusual! She rather reminds me of Merlin from Sword in the Stone, and in fact that would explain rather a lot. If she is living backwards through time and has done all of this before it rather explains why she suddenly turned up after seven years time to go ‘Hey – are you going to church?’. It makes the event somewhat more along the lines of a question to clarify if she got the timing right and less of a bewildering mix of ‘how do you not know she doesn’t go to church and hasn’t for seven years’ and ‘why on earth didn’t you offer to help earlier??’.

The Coat of Darkness aside, the Henwife is exceptionally patient with her young charge and rather good natured, letting Trembling pick out more and more ridiculous colours for her dresses and horses as time goes on and apparently being completely happy to be left behind at the House/Castle when Trembling gets married. Quirks aside, she’s obviously not to be messed with and can summon life itself through her magic powers. I have to wonder if she is Trembling’s mother who was very fond of birds and forgot all about her daughters due to avian-induced amnesia.

Runners Up:

1.       The Whale. Oh gosh – the whale! Not only is it probably either enchanted or a magician in disguise but this whale is the most extraordinary creature we’ve met since we met the revolutionary regicidal horse. It can beach itself and swim back out to sea again without effort. It can swallow and regurgitate a fully grown person – holding her magically on the beach in the meantime. It has a strict list of rules it follows in the interests of fair play – including regurgitating the princess three times so she can try to get help, displaying its only weak spot to any challengers to allow them a chance to shoot it, and although it can obviously stop the princess from talking (after all it won’t let her speak to her husband), it allows her to talk to other people so she can explain the rules. Where did this whale come from? Was it in league with Fair? What did it want? What was it going to do? Why did it have to die? So many questions!

2.       The horse with diamond spots on it. Just – it has diamond spots, people. Diamond.

3.       The King of Erin who doesn’t seem to exist at all and doesn’t care that his daughter is being treated like a servant or that his other daughter’s beau dumped her for a mysterious church goer.

4.       The Coat of Darkness and its weird monopoly over Black Satin Dresses.

Ask The Raven - Worried Neighbour

Dear Readers. Here is your chance to have your problems aired to a Raven with all the experience of a Fairy Godmother and the wisdom of a Fox. Ask a Raven is an Agony Aunt column where any problem -real or fictional - can be sent in and will recieve a reply from The Raven with advice based on Fairy Tale Rules. Please Note: If the blog suggests that the reason for your sister looking at you funny after you spilled something on her dress is because she's insanely jealous and wants to turn you into a reed flute - please do not take it seriously. This advice is purely fictional and humourous. Do Not Take It Literally. The writer of this blog takes no responsibility for what may occur.


Here is the first letter from a reader:

“Dear Raven!

Recently I’ve been worried about my neighbour. She doesn’t go outside much and stares at me weird when I talk to her.

I think she is either very shy, or maybe she hates me. What do you think?

A worried neighbour”

Dear Worried Neighbour,

There could be several reasons to this behaviour. A lot of it depends on yourself and on the situation of your neighbour.

Do you grow vegetables in your garden and is your neighbour expecting a child? If so, you may find that she is craving some of your vegetables but fears your reputation/that you are secretly a witch. In this case try offering her some vegetables for free – ones with long vaguely feminine sounding names will do the trick.

Is your neighbour pale and distracted, and does she seem to be getting progressively thinner? If so this is nothing to do with you. She followed the little men and will pine for them until she dies. Try surreptitiously leaving bundles of holly soaked in Holy Water on her step and see if she shrieks and runs away from it. If she does you may have to advise a priest or whoever she used to be in love with. Above all else, don’t wear green to the funeral.

Alternately, have you recently borrowed a scale from your neighbour to measure out the gold you got from a mysterious personification of seasons, months or fortune – or perhaps the wily sale of a cow skin? It your neighbour richer than you? If so then you left a few gold pieces stuck to the scales and she’s wondering how to find out where you got the money and where to get some for herself. Be careful what you do about this, it may culminate in the death of your grandmother – or being thrown into a river in a sack.

Hoping your problems work out,

Raven

Write in! Use comments on this post to start with. If there's a response I'll create an e-mail address for Raven.

Disney Princess Reviews 1 - Snow White

This is the first of my Disney Princess series. I’m deviating from the format  set up when I created this blog but then I created this blog so I can. If anyone wants me to go back and do any of the extras on some of the previous posts who haven’t gotten either ‘what they should have said’ or ‘supporting character more interesting than the main character’ or other such things, comment and let me know.

So in chronological order and starting with the lovely Snow White – here are the Princess Stories. Possibly some of the most well-known fairytales because of their inclusion in every fairytale book ever printed for small children. I won’t be doing Mulan (no real classic legend in prose for that, it’s based off an Ode which isn’t very good source material for my sort of humour, though I do adore Mulan to pieces) or Pocahontas as she was a real person and not a fairytale.

Yes people. I just said Snow White doesn’t exist.

You may send me hate mail if you so desire.

Snow white is AN 709 ‘Snow White’ and I’m using the classic Grimms text here which may be unfamiliar to some readers.  Trust me. It’s worth it.

“Once upon a time in the middle of winter, when the flakes of snow were falling like feathers from the sky, a queen sat at a window sewing, and the frame of the window was made of black ebony. And whilst she was sewing and looking out of the window at the snow, she pricked her finger with the needle, and three drops of blood fell upon the snow. And the red looked pretty upon the white snow, and she thought to herself, "Would that I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as the wood of the window-frame."

Lady – if I was going to sew while staring off into the distance, I’d be likely to prick my finger too. Does anyone else get the tiniest bit creeped out at the fact that Snow White’s mother looks at blood spilled on the snow and her first thought is ‘Baby!’? Is she just obsessed or is there a more serious issue here?

Soon after that she had a little daughter, who was as white as snow, and as red as blood, and her hair was as black as ebony; and she was therefore called Little Snow-white. And when the child was born, the Queen died.

Here’s a thing I like about fairytales. They don’t bother with the infodumping a modern fantasy story would go into to explain exactly why the queen’s random and rather creepy comment caused her to become pregnant with a child who might not have been genetically likely (is the queen a blonde? A brunette? Or does she actually have black hair and white skin? We never know) it just tells us ‘stuff happened, so deal’ and we have to deal. 

After a year had passed the King took to himself another wife. She was a beautiful woman, but proud and haughty, and she could not bear that anyone else should surpass her in beauty. She had a wonderful looking-glass, and when she stood in front of it and looked at herself in it, and said---

*clears throat* Well I suppose a year was a slightly better mourning period than Gertrude, but still. And – um – king? Well. Um - <.< here’s a tip. If the woman is ‘proud and haughty’ and talks to a mirror – I’m going to recommend NOT MARRYING HER. How hard could it be? You’re the king! And don’t give me any nonsense about him not knowing. It’s phrased in a way that makes it blatantly obvious here that everyone knew about her and her mirror fetish. 

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

the looking-glass answered---

 "Thou, O Queen, art the fairest of all!"

Literalist issue one. Did the queen just up and go ‘Hey! I know! I really need a suspicious talking mirror who only answers to rhyme! Let’s do that!’? Why not have it as a smaller, less obvious article, or one less fragile? Hell, if she made the article then why not make it something which people would find less weird if she talked to? Or something she didn’t have to talk to? Adversely, if she didn’t make it, when and why did she stop in fron of a mirror and decide suddenly to ask it if she was pretty – but in rhyme?

Then she was satisfied, for she knew that the looking-glass spoke the truth.

Because it said so on the packaging.

But Snow-white was growing up, and grew more and more beautiful; and when she was seven years old she was as beautiful as the day, and more beautiful than the Queen herself. And once when the Queen asked her looking-glass --

I protest. She’s seven. Sure a seven-year-old can be beautiful but we’re talking a different kind of beauty here, people. 

"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall, Who in this land is the

fairest of all?"

it answered---

 "Thou art fairer than all who are here, Lady Queen."

 But more beautiful still is Snow-white, as I ween."

Ween…. Is such a forced rhyme in this instance. 

Then the Queen was shocked, and turned yellow and green with envy. 

LITERALLY???

From that hour, whenever she looked at Snow-white, her heart heaved in her breast, she hated the girl so much.

Woman, she’s seven. Seven. What kind of competition is a seven-year old and when did you get these insecurities? If you don’t like it, marry her off to some very far off land in a diplomatic manoeuvre. I mean that would incense the people far far less and be a socially acceptable thing to do. 

And envy and pride grew higher and higher in her heart like a weed, so that she had no peace day or night. She called a huntsman, and said, "Take the child away into the forest; I will no longer have her in my sight. Kill her, and bring me back her heart as a token." 

Yeah – because slaughtering the heir to the throne is a really politically sound thing to do when you’re not even Queen Regent, but the second wife of the king. And the huntsman listened to her and didn’t tell the king why exactly? Did he come with the queen as part of her entourage? Is her entourage of servants so small that she trusts a huntsman with the important task of subtly and discretely killing off her challenger? Seriously? Wouldn’t a guard who has been trained to obey orders… or better yet a battler-hardened soldier who will be less likely to be swayed by the fact that he’s being told to murder an innocent (presumably still 7 ) child be a better option???

The huntsman obeyed, and took her away; but when he had drawn his knife, and was about to pierce Snow-white's innocent heart, she began to weep, and said, "Ah dear huntsman, leave me my life! I will run away into the wild forest, and never come home again."

By golly she has a good grasp on the situation for a seven-year-old. Most kids that age I kow would freak out, scream or kick the man and try to run away. 

And as she was so beautiful the huntsman had pity on her and said, "Run away, then, you poor child." "The wild beasts will soon have devoured you," thought he, and yet it seemed as if a stone had been rolled from his heart since it was no longer needful for him to kill her. And as a young boar just then came running by he stabbed it, and cut out its heart and took it to the Queen as proof that the child was dead. The cook had to salt this, and the wicked Queen ate it, and thought she had eaten the heart of Snow-white.

And the king said ‘My dear, that looks like a very tasty casserole, may I have some?’ and she said ‘NO. MINE.’ And the king was bemused and asked the cook what was in it and then decided to order pig’s heart casserole more often since his wife obviously likes it so much. And doesn’t ever notice his daughter is missing.

But now the poor child was all alone in the great forest, and so terrified that she looked at every leaf of every tree, and did not know what to do. Then she began to run, and ran over sharp stones and through thorns, and the wild beasts ran past her, but did her no harm.

And the sharp stones and thorns did… what?

She ran as long as her feet would go until it was almost evening; then she saw a little cottage and went into it to rest herself. Everything in the cottage was small, but neater and cleaner than can be told. There was a table on which was a white cover, and seven little plates, and on each plate a little spoon; moreover, there were seven little knives and forks, and seven little mugs. Against the wall stood seven little beds side by side, and covered with snow-white counterpanes.

Methinks seven people live in this house. What do you think? Also she has no manners. She could have waited outside for them to come home instead of barging in and just assuming they wouldn’t mind a seven-year-old… wait, why don’t they lock their doors? 

Little Snow-white was so hungry and thirsty that she ate some vegetables and bread from each plate and drank a drop of wine out of each mug, for she did not wish to take all from one only. 

Okay – I guess she’s seven, we can’t really blame her for following an impulse and eating the tempting food. Though really. Talk about a wuss! She’s been running through the forest for how long? A couple of hours? And she’s unbearably hungry to the extent that she can’t wait around and see if the owners of the house will return? A likely thing to happen seeing as there is a MEAL WAITING FOR THEM. Also – instead of just eating from one plate and letting the dwarves redistribute the food – she contaminated all the plates and left them to eat her leftovers.

Then, as she was so tired, she laid herself down on one of the little beds, but none of them suited

her; one was too long, another too short, but at last she found that the seventh one was right, and so she remained in it, said a prayer and went to sleep.

Huh. Well it makes sense the dwarves were of different heights. 

When it was quite dark the owners of the cottage came back; they were seven dwarfs who dug and delved in the mountains for ore. They lit their seven candles, and as it was now light within the cottage they saw that someone had been there, for everything was not in the same order in which they had left it.

What tipped you off, guys? The mess? The eaten food? The beds all messed up? The girl? 

The first said, "Who has been sitting on my chair?"

The second, "Who has been eating off my plate?"

The third, "Who has been taking some of my bread?"

Bears – Dwarves – what’s the difference? Someone should form a society for the prevention of House Breaking By Minors In Fairy Tales (SPBMFT)

The fourth, "Who has been eating my vegetables?"

The fifth, "Who has been using my fork?"

The sixth, "Who has been cutting with my knife?"

The seventh, "Who has been drinking out of my mug?"

Ah. So she sat in the first one’s chair to eat the third’s bread and the fourth’s vegetables off the second’s plate with the sixth’s knifes while drinking from the seventh’s cup. That’s a nice little mind-bender. 

Then the first looked round and saw that there was a little hole on his bed, and he said, "Who has been getting into my bed?" The others came up and each called out, "Somebody has been lying in my bed too." But the seventh when he looked at his bed saw little Snow-white, who was lying asleep therein. And he called the others, who came running up, and they cried out with astonishment, and brought their seven little candles and let the light fall on little Snow-white.  "Oh, heavens! oh, heavens!" cried they, "what a lovely child!" and they were so glad that they did not wake her up, but let her sleep on in the bed. And the seventh dwarf slept with his companions, one hour with each, and so got through the night.

One hour with each??? So essentially they all had a broken sleep instead of him just sleeping on the floor? And a bed too small for a seven-year-old child was big enough to hold two dwarves? And Snow White slept through this? The child has NO survival instinct! 

When it was morning little Snow-white awoke, and was frightened when she saw the seven dwarfs. But they were friendly and asked her what her name was. "My name is Snow-white," she answered. "How have you come to our house?" said the dwarfs. 

You know, Snow White, if I were you I’d start off with apologies to the nice people who found you sleeping in their house after ruining their meal (note no mention was made of the dwarves eating their dinner). Also why did her parents call her Snow White? Would they have called her Olive Yellow if she was tanned? 

Then she told them that her step-mother had wished to have her killed, but that the huntsman had spared her life, and that she had run for the whole day, until at last she had found their dwelling. The dwarfs said, "If you will take care of our house, cook, make the beds, wash, sew, and knit, and if you will keep everything neat and clean, you can stay with us and you shall want for nothing." "Yes," said Snow-white, "with all my heart," and she stayed with them. 

I protest. She’s a seven-year-old princess. How the hell does she know how to keep house? 

She kept the house in order for them; in the mornings they went to the mountains and looked for copper and gold, in the evenings they came back, and then their supper had to be ready. The girl was alone the whole day, so the good dwarfs warned her and said, "Beware of your step-mother, she will soon know that you are here; be sure to let no one come in."

*clears throat* Literal issue one: The seven year old child is expected to clean the whole house, mend clothes which must tear a lot belonging as they do to dwarven miners, and cook for seven hard-working men? Good lord! Who did it before since the dinner was all prepared and warm and everything was neat and tidy when Snow White arrived at the house??

Also – she’s alone all day and the first response of the dwarves is to tell her not to let anyone in? Because her step-mother is going to find out IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER that her unwanted step-child wasn’t murdered but instead is living with seven dwarves in a wood? 

This only supports my belief that everyone knows the Queen talks to mirrors. 

But the Queen, believing that she had eaten Snow-white's heart, could not but think that she was again the first and most beautiful of all; and she went to her looking-glass and said---

NO. THE DWARVES HAVE SPOKEN. SHE WILL FIND OUT.

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

and the glass answered --

 "Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,

 But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,

 Snow-white is still alive and well,

 And none is so fair as she."

This mirror is the real villain of the story. First it pampers the Queen’s ego by telling her she’s the prettiest. I mean before it said that would she have cared? No. She didn’t know she was the prettiest (and who knows, the mirror may be lying) so she wouldn’t have cared if she wasn’t. But because the Mirror told her she suddenly has something to be jealous about. THEN the mirror tells on Snow White thus signing the kid’s death warrant. And later instead of making some mumbo-jumbo about Snow White’s body being fairer or Snow White’s soul being fairer, the mirror actually rats her out and tells the Queen how to find her!

How does the mirror know that the Queen wanted to kill Snow White?

HOW DID A SEVEN YEAR OLD CLIMB OVER MOUNTAINS IN A DAY?

Then she was astounded, for she knew that the looking-glass never spoke falsely, and she knew that the huntsman had betrayed her, and that little Snow-white was still alive.

And boom. The huntsman was executed and the queen wondered why she hadn’t asked a trained soldier to take care of the problem. 

And so she thought and thought again how she might kill her, for so long as she was not the fairest in the whole land, envy let her have no rest. 

Aaaaaalll the mirror’s fault. 

And when she had at last thought of something to do, she painted her face, and dressed herself like an old pedler-woman, and no one could have known her. In this disguise she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs, and knocked at the door and cried, "Pretty things to sell, very cheap, very cheap." Little Snow-white looked out of the window and called out, "Good-day my good woman, what have you to sell?" 

Not being at all surprised at a strange woman turning up out of nowhere. Where no one ever came. And the only person likely to be wandering a forest trying to SELL THINGS is someone who is up to no good. 

"Good things, pretty things," she answered; "stay-laces of all colours," and she pulled out one which was woven of bright-coloured silk. "I may let the worthy old woman in," thought Snow-white, and she unbolted the door and bought the pretty laces. "Child," said the old woman, "what a fright you look; come, I will lace you properly for once." 

I argue that since ‘years and years’ haven’t passed and the Queen was in a habit of asking her mirror who was the fairest on a pretty regular basis AND she calls Snow White ‘child’ here… Snow White is still about seven. And that means the Queen is trying to put a seven-year-old in a corset. 

Snow-white had no suspicion, but stood before her, and let herself be laced with the new laces. But the old woman laced so quickly and so tightly that Snow-white lost her breath and fell down as if dead. "Now I am the most beautiful," said the Queen to herself, and ran away.

I have this mental image of a Queen cantering off full-tilt into the forest and clicking her heels in glee. 

Not long afterwards, in the evening, the seven dwarfs came home, but how shocked they were when they saw their dear little Snow-white lying on the ground, and that she neither stirred nor moved, and seemed to be dead. 

Um. She’s not breathing is why. Brain damage for sure. 

They lifted her up, and, as they saw that she was laced too tightly, they cut the laces; then she began to breathe a little, and after a while came to life again. 

…so…. Uh… she wasn’t breathing. And she wasn’t breathing for a significant period of time. Why isn’t she dead? This however obviously damaged her brain – which is proved by what happens next. 

When the dwarfs heard what had happened they said, "The old pedler-woman was no one else than the wicked Queen; take care and let no one come in when we are not with you."

Why don’t you just leave one dwarf at home to guard her? Save you trouble.

But the wicked woman when she had reached home went in front of the glass and asked---

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

and it answered as before---

 "Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,

 But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,

 Snow-white is still alive and well,

 And none is so fair as she."

This mirror really wants Snow White dead. 

When she heard that, all her blood rushed to her heart with fear, for she saw plainly that little Snow-white was again alive. "But now," she said, "I will think of something that shall put an end to you," and by the help of witchcraft, which she understood, she made a poisonous comb. 

Where is the Queen coming up with all these ideas? And I mean to say, okay the huntsman angle didn’t work out so well, fair enough. But do we jump straight from ‘Oh I chose the wrong person for my hired killer’ to ‘I MUST DO IT MYSELF!’? Why not just send a team of mercenaries to raze the house to the ground? Or, if you must do it yourself, don’t use a method which can be reversed by – oh I don’t know – REMOVING THE COMB FROM HER HAIR! Stab her! She’s SEVEN. 

Then she disguised herself and took the shape of another old woman. So she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs, knocked at the door, and cried, "Good things to sell, cheap, cheap!" Little Snow-white looked out and said, "Go away; I cannot let any one come in." 

Thinking as she did so: ‘Oh my, I wonder why there are so many strange old ladies trying to sell things in this deserted forest these days! How strange!’

"I suppose you can look," said the old woman, and pulled the poisonous comb out and held it up. It pleased the girl so well that she let herself be beguiled, and opened the door. When they had made a bargain the old woman said, "Now I will comb you properly for once." Poor little Snow-white had no suspicion, and let the old woman do as she pleased, 

I’D find that sentence suspicious. How is a peddler meant to know she’s never been combed properly? Also what IS Snow White using for money?

but hardly had she put the comb in her hair than the poison in it took effect, and the girl fell down senseless. "You paragon of beauty," said the wicked woman, "you are done for now," and she went away.

Ahem. Ma’am? Next time use a deadly poison, k? Just saying… you suck as a villainess. 

But fortunately it was almost evening, when the seven dwarfs came home. When they saw Snow-white lying as if dead upon the ground they at once suspected the step-mother, and they looked and found the poisoned comb. Scarcely had they taken it out when Snow-white came to herself, and told them what had happened. Then they warned her once more to be upon her guard and to open the door to no one.

Gosh these dwarves are patient. Bet after she goes to sleep they talk sadly about how oxygen deprivation damaged her brain. 

The Queen, at home, went in front of the glass and said---

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

then it answered as before---

 "Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,

 But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,

 Snow-white is still alive and well,

 And none is so fair as she."

When she heard the glass speak thus she trembled and shook with rage. "Snow-white shall die," she cried, "even if it costs me my life!"

Why doesn’t she just ask the mirror ‘Hey – yo – shiny man. Is Snow White still dead or what?’

Thereupon she went into a quite secret, lonely room, where no one ever came, and there she made a very poisonous apple. Outside it looked pretty, white with a red cheek, so that everyone who saw it longed for it; but whoever ate a piece of it must surely die.

So while making the poisonous comb she could do that at the breakfast table with her hubby the king, but the apple had to be made in secret? And might I note right here, right in the text that it’s a POISON apple. Anyone who eats it DIES. 

When the apple was ready she painted her face, and dressed herself up as a country-woman, and so she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs.  She knocked at the door. Snow-white put her head out of the window and said, "I cannot let any one in; the seven dwarfs have forbidden me." "It is all the same to me," answered the woman, "I shall soon get rid of my apples. There, I will give you one."

Because yo. Look at all the busy townlife and many many cottages arou- oh oops. Damn. This was meant to be a town, how come I’m in a deserted forest in the mountains instead? 

"No," said Snow-white, "I dare not take anything." "Are you afraid of poison?"  said the old woman; "look, I will cut the apple in two pieces; you eat the red cheek, and I will eat the white." The apple was so cunningly made that only the red cheek was poisoned. 

You didn’t say that earlier. 

Snow-white longed for the fine apple, and when she saw that the woman ate part of it she could resist no longer, and stretched out her hand and took the poisonous half. 

Brain. Damage. Because two scary strange peddler women trying to kill her didn’t teach her NOT TO TRUST THEM.

But hardly had she a bit of it in her mouth than she fell down dead. Then the Queen looked at her with a dreadful look, and laughed aloud and said, "White as snow, red as blood, black as ebony-wood! this time the dwarfs cannot wake you up again."

You gotta love that as a villainous line. 

And when she asked of the Looking-glass at home---

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

it answered at last --

 "Oh, Queen, in this land thou art fairest of all."

Then her envious heart had rest, so far as an envious heart can have rest.

See? The mirror totally just wanted Snow White dead. And fior gosh sakes why not just deport the girl? You’d be the fairest still and you could concentrate on ruling your kingdom instead of running off to the mountains in disguise every few days. 

The dwarfs, when they came home in the evening, found Snow-white lying upon the ground; she breathed no longer and was dead. They lifted her up, looked to see whether they could find anything poisonous, unlaced her, combed her hair, washed her with water and wine, but it was all of no use; the poor child was dead, and remained dead. They laid her upon a bier, and all seven of them sat round it and wept for her, and wept three days long.

Wow. That’s a LOT of tears for a kid who was keeping house for you and wasn’t that bright. 

Then they were going to bury her, but she still looked as if she were living, and still had her pretty red cheeks. 

If she’d REALLY been as white as snow like she was meant to be they would have buried her without a second thought. 

They said, "We could not bury her in the dark ground," and they had a transparent coffin of glass made, so that she could be seen from all sides, and they laid her in it, and wrote her name upon it in golden letters, and that she was a king's daughter. Then they put the coffin out upon the mountain, and one of them always stayed by it and watched it. And birds came too, and wept for Snow-white; first an owl, then a raven, and last a dove.

1. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE STOOD WATCH WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE, DAMMIT???? 2. What is up with the random birds? They’re never mentioned again. 

And now Snow-white lay a long, long time in the coffin, and she did not change, but looked as if she were asleep; for she was as white as snow, as red as blood, and her hair was as black as ebony.

So she’s still seven. Remember that. Also a LONG time has passed.

It happened, however, that a king's son came into the forest, and went to the dwarfs' house to spend the night.

Dude, how DOES all this royalty find the dwarves house? 

 He saw the coffin on the mountain, and the beautiful Snow-white within it, and read what was written upon it in golden letters. Then he said to the dwarfs, "Let me have the coffin, I will give you whatever you want for it." But the dwarfs answered, "We will not part with it for all the gold in the world." Then he said, "Let me have it as a gift, for I cannot live without seeing Snow-white. I will honour and prize her as my dearest possession." As he spoke in this way the good dwarfs took pity upon him, and gave him the coffin.

O_O

She still looks seven (see above ‘did not change’) and is purportedly DEAD. What a creepy prince. 

And now the King's son had it carried away by his servants on their shoulders.  And it happened that they stumbled over a tree-stump, and with the shock the poisonous piece of apple which Snow-white had bitten off came out of her throat. And before long she opened her eyes, lifted up the lid of the coffin, sat up, and was once more alive.

Oh no you don’t. No, story, NO. Either she choked to death because she had apple stuck in her throat in which case – well, frankly the dwarves are idiots and she’s dead because it’s been YEARS. OR she was poisoned and poison DOES NOT REVERSE DEATH if you remove the poisonous item from the body! If I had an arsenic victim and took the deadly arsenic banana from their stomach they would STILL be dead from arsenic poisoning!

 "Oh, heavens, where am I?" she cried. The King's son, full of joy, said, "You are with me," and told her what had happened, and said, "I love you more than everything in the world; come with me to my father's palace, you shall be my wife."

Story, according to you she’s still seven. Even if what you meant was that she hadn’t decomposed, she’s been asleep since she was seven so she has the mind of a child. Either way this is creepy. 

And Snow-white was willing, and went with him, and their wedding was held with great show and splendour. But Snow-white's wicked step-mother was also bidden to the feast. When she had arrayed herself in beautiful clothes she went before the Looking-glass, and said---

 "Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,

 Who in this land is the fairest of all?"

the glass answered---

 "Oh, Queen, of all here the fairest art thou,

 But the young Queen is fairer by far as I trow."

Ween. Trow. Mirror, you’re forcing your rhymes something CRIMINAL. Why doesn’t the queen ever get tired of asking that question?

Then the wicked woman uttered a curse, and was so wretched, so utterly wretched, that she knew not what to do. At first she would not go to the wedding at all, but she had no peace, and must go to see the young Queen. And when she went in she knew Snow-white; 

Because Snow White didn’t change. 

and she stood still with rage and fear, and could not stir. But iron slippers had already been put upon the fire, and they were brought in with tongs, and set before her. Then she was forced to put on the red-hot shoes, and dance until she dropped down dead.

OUCH. Okay look the woman was consumed by envy but she was also obviously being manipulated by a malevolent mirror and was insane (really, all that cloak-and-dagger stuff when she originally gaily told the huntsman to kill her daughter?). Note there is no ‘happy ever after’ note here. This is because Snow White married a very very creepy prince. And was the mental age of a seven-year-old. 

Next up – Cinderella.