This is the first of my Disney Princess series. I’m deviating from the format set up when I created this blog but then I created this blog so I can. If anyone wants me to go back and do any of the extras on some of the previous posts who haven’t gotten either ‘what they should have said’ or ‘supporting character more interesting than the main character’ or other such things, comment and let me know.
So in chronological order and starting with the lovely Snow White – here are the Princess Stories. Possibly some of the most well-known fairytales because of their inclusion in every fairytale book ever printed for small children. I won’t be doing Mulan (no real classic legend in prose for that, it’s based off an Ode which isn’t very good source material for my sort of humour, though I do adore Mulan to pieces) or Pocahontas as she was a real person and not a fairytale.
Yes people. I just said Snow White doesn’t exist.
You may send me hate mail if you so desire.
Snow white is AN 709 ‘Snow White’ and I’m using the classic Grimms text here which may be unfamiliar to some readers. Trust me. It’s worth it.
“Once upon a time in the middle of winter, when the flakes of snow were falling like feathers from the sky, a queen sat at a window sewing, and the frame of the window was made of black ebony. And whilst she was sewing and looking out of the window at the snow, she pricked her finger with the needle, and three drops of blood fell upon the snow. And the red looked pretty upon the white snow, and she thought to herself, "Would that I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as the wood of the window-frame."
Lady – if I was going to sew while staring off into the distance, I’d be likely to prick my finger too. Does anyone else get the tiniest bit creeped out at the fact that Snow White’s mother looks at blood spilled on the snow and her first thought is ‘Baby!’? Is she just obsessed or is there a more serious issue here?
Soon after that she had a little daughter, who was as white as snow, and as red as blood, and her hair was as black as ebony; and she was therefore called Little Snow-white. And when the child was born, the Queen died.
Here’s a thing I like about fairytales. They don’t bother with the infodumping a modern fantasy story would go into to explain exactly why the queen’s random and rather creepy comment caused her to become pregnant with a child who might not have been genetically likely (is the queen a blonde? A brunette? Or does she actually have black hair and white skin? We never know) it just tells us ‘stuff happened, so deal’ and we have to deal.
After a year had passed the King took to himself another wife. She was a beautiful woman, but proud and haughty, and she could not bear that anyone else should surpass her in beauty. She had a wonderful looking-glass, and when she stood in front of it and looked at herself in it, and said---
*clears throat* Well I suppose a year was a slightly better mourning period than Gertrude, but still. And – um – king? Well. Um - <.< here’s a tip. If the woman is ‘proud and haughty’ and talks to a mirror – I’m going to recommend NOT MARRYING HER. How hard could it be? You’re the king! And don’t give me any nonsense about him not knowing. It’s phrased in a way that makes it blatantly obvious here that everyone knew about her and her mirror fetish.
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
the looking-glass answered---
"Thou, O Queen, art the fairest of all!"
Literalist issue one. Did the queen just up and go ‘Hey! I know! I really need a suspicious talking mirror who only answers to rhyme! Let’s do that!’? Why not have it as a smaller, less obvious article, or one less fragile? Hell, if she made the article then why not make it something which people would find less weird if she talked to? Or something she didn’t have to talk to? Adversely, if she didn’t make it, when and why did she stop in fron of a mirror and decide suddenly to ask it if she was pretty – but in rhyme?
Then she was satisfied, for she knew that the looking-glass spoke the truth.
Because it said so on the packaging.
But Snow-white was growing up, and grew more and more beautiful; and when she was seven years old she was as beautiful as the day, and more beautiful than the Queen herself. And once when the Queen asked her looking-glass --
I protest. She’s seven. Sure a seven-year-old can be beautiful but we’re talking a different kind of beauty here, people.
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall, Who in this land is the
fairest of all?"
it answered---
"Thou art fairer than all who are here, Lady Queen."
But more beautiful still is Snow-white, as I ween."
Ween…. Is such a forced rhyme in this instance.
Then the Queen was shocked, and turned yellow and green with envy.
LITERALLY???
From that hour, whenever she looked at Snow-white, her heart heaved in her breast, she hated the girl so much.
Woman, she’s seven. Seven. What kind of competition is a seven-year old and when did you get these insecurities? If you don’t like it, marry her off to some very far off land in a diplomatic manoeuvre. I mean that would incense the people far far less and be a socially acceptable thing to do.
And envy and pride grew higher and higher in her heart like a weed, so that she had no peace day or night. She called a huntsman, and said, "Take the child away into the forest; I will no longer have her in my sight. Kill her, and bring me back her heart as a token."
Yeah – because slaughtering the heir to the throne is a really politically sound thing to do when you’re not even Queen Regent, but the second wife of the king. And the huntsman listened to her and didn’t tell the king why exactly? Did he come with the queen as part of her entourage? Is her entourage of servants so small that she trusts a huntsman with the important task of subtly and discretely killing off her challenger? Seriously? Wouldn’t a guard who has been trained to obey orders… or better yet a battler-hardened soldier who will be less likely to be swayed by the fact that he’s being told to murder an innocent (presumably still 7 ) child be a better option???
The huntsman obeyed, and took her away; but when he had drawn his knife, and was about to pierce Snow-white's innocent heart, she began to weep, and said, "Ah dear huntsman, leave me my life! I will run away into the wild forest, and never come home again."
By golly she has a good grasp on the situation for a seven-year-old. Most kids that age I kow would freak out, scream or kick the man and try to run away.
And as she was so beautiful the huntsman had pity on her and said, "Run away, then, you poor child." "The wild beasts will soon have devoured you," thought he, and yet it seemed as if a stone had been rolled from his heart since it was no longer needful for him to kill her. And as a young boar just then came running by he stabbed it, and cut out its heart and took it to the Queen as proof that the child was dead. The cook had to salt this, and the wicked Queen ate it, and thought she had eaten the heart of Snow-white.
And the king said ‘My dear, that looks like a very tasty casserole, may I have some?’ and she said ‘NO. MINE.’ And the king was bemused and asked the cook what was in it and then decided to order pig’s heart casserole more often since his wife obviously likes it so much. And doesn’t ever notice his daughter is missing.
But now the poor child was all alone in the great forest, and so terrified that she looked at every leaf of every tree, and did not know what to do. Then she began to run, and ran over sharp stones and through thorns, and the wild beasts ran past her, but did her no harm.
And the sharp stones and thorns did… what?
She ran as long as her feet would go until it was almost evening; then she saw a little cottage and went into it to rest herself. Everything in the cottage was small, but neater and cleaner than can be told. There was a table on which was a white cover, and seven little plates, and on each plate a little spoon; moreover, there were seven little knives and forks, and seven little mugs. Against the wall stood seven little beds side by side, and covered with snow-white counterpanes.
Methinks seven people live in this house. What do you think? Also she has no manners. She could have waited outside for them to come home instead of barging in and just assuming they wouldn’t mind a seven-year-old… wait, why don’t they lock their doors?
Little Snow-white was so hungry and thirsty that she ate some vegetables and bread from each plate and drank a drop of wine out of each mug, for she did not wish to take all from one only.
Okay – I guess she’s seven, we can’t really blame her for following an impulse and eating the tempting food. Though really. Talk about a wuss! She’s been running through the forest for how long? A couple of hours? And she’s unbearably hungry to the extent that she can’t wait around and see if the owners of the house will return? A likely thing to happen seeing as there is a MEAL WAITING FOR THEM. Also – instead of just eating from one plate and letting the dwarves redistribute the food – she contaminated all the plates and left them to eat her leftovers.
Then, as she was so tired, she laid herself down on one of the little beds, but none of them suited
her; one was too long, another too short, but at last she found that the seventh one was right, and so she remained in it, said a prayer and went to sleep.
Huh. Well it makes sense the dwarves were of different heights.
When it was quite dark the owners of the cottage came back; they were seven dwarfs who dug and delved in the mountains for ore. They lit their seven candles, and as it was now light within the cottage they saw that someone had been there, for everything was not in the same order in which they had left it.
What tipped you off, guys? The mess? The eaten food? The beds all messed up? The girl?
The first said, "Who has been sitting on my chair?"
The second, "Who has been eating off my plate?"
The third, "Who has been taking some of my bread?"
Bears – Dwarves – what’s the difference? Someone should form a society for the prevention of House Breaking By Minors In Fairy Tales (SPBMFT)
The fourth, "Who has been eating my vegetables?"
The fifth, "Who has been using my fork?"
The sixth, "Who has been cutting with my knife?"
The seventh, "Who has been drinking out of my mug?"
Ah. So she sat in the first one’s chair to eat the third’s bread and the fourth’s vegetables off the second’s plate with the sixth’s knifes while drinking from the seventh’s cup. That’s a nice little mind-bender.
Then the first looked round and saw that there was a little hole on his bed, and he said, "Who has been getting into my bed?" The others came up and each called out, "Somebody has been lying in my bed too." But the seventh when he looked at his bed saw little Snow-white, who was lying asleep therein. And he called the others, who came running up, and they cried out with astonishment, and brought their seven little candles and let the light fall on little Snow-white. "Oh, heavens! oh, heavens!" cried they, "what a lovely child!" and they were so glad that they did not wake her up, but let her sleep on in the bed. And the seventh dwarf slept with his companions, one hour with each, and so got through the night.
One hour with each??? So essentially they all had a broken sleep instead of him just sleeping on the floor? And a bed too small for a seven-year-old child was big enough to hold two dwarves? And Snow White slept through this? The child has NO survival instinct!
When it was morning little Snow-white awoke, and was frightened when she saw the seven dwarfs. But they were friendly and asked her what her name was. "My name is Snow-white," she answered. "How have you come to our house?" said the dwarfs.
You know, Snow White, if I were you I’d start off with apologies to the nice people who found you sleeping in their house after ruining their meal (note no mention was made of the dwarves eating their dinner). Also why did her parents call her Snow White? Would they have called her Olive Yellow if she was tanned?
Then she told them that her step-mother had wished to have her killed, but that the huntsman had spared her life, and that she had run for the whole day, until at last she had found their dwelling. The dwarfs said, "If you will take care of our house, cook, make the beds, wash, sew, and knit, and if you will keep everything neat and clean, you can stay with us and you shall want for nothing." "Yes," said Snow-white, "with all my heart," and she stayed with them.
I protest. She’s a seven-year-old princess. How the hell does she know how to keep house?
She kept the house in order for them; in the mornings they went to the mountains and looked for copper and gold, in the evenings they came back, and then their supper had to be ready. The girl was alone the whole day, so the good dwarfs warned her and said, "Beware of your step-mother, she will soon know that you are here; be sure to let no one come in."
*clears throat* Literal issue one: The seven year old child is expected to clean the whole house, mend clothes which must tear a lot belonging as they do to dwarven miners, and cook for seven hard-working men? Good lord! Who did it before since the dinner was all prepared and warm and everything was neat and tidy when Snow White arrived at the house??
Also – she’s alone all day and the first response of the dwarves is to tell her not to let anyone in? Because her step-mother is going to find out IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER that her unwanted step-child wasn’t murdered but instead is living with seven dwarves in a wood?
This only supports my belief that everyone knows the Queen talks to mirrors.
But the Queen, believing that she had eaten Snow-white's heart, could not but think that she was again the first and most beautiful of all; and she went to her looking-glass and said---
NO. THE DWARVES HAVE SPOKEN. SHE WILL FIND OUT.
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
and the glass answered --
"Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,
But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,
Snow-white is still alive and well,
And none is so fair as she."
This mirror is the real villain of the story. First it pampers the Queen’s ego by telling her she’s the prettiest. I mean before it said that would she have cared? No. She didn’t know she was the prettiest (and who knows, the mirror may be lying) so she wouldn’t have cared if she wasn’t. But because the Mirror told her she suddenly has something to be jealous about. THEN the mirror tells on Snow White thus signing the kid’s death warrant. And later instead of making some mumbo-jumbo about Snow White’s body being fairer or Snow White’s soul being fairer, the mirror actually rats her out and tells the Queen how to find her!
How does the mirror know that the Queen wanted to kill Snow White?
HOW DID A SEVEN YEAR OLD CLIMB OVER MOUNTAINS IN A DAY?
Then she was astounded, for she knew that the looking-glass never spoke falsely, and she knew that the huntsman had betrayed her, and that little Snow-white was still alive.
And boom. The huntsman was executed and the queen wondered why she hadn’t asked a trained soldier to take care of the problem.
And so she thought and thought again how she might kill her, for so long as she was not the fairest in the whole land, envy let her have no rest.
Aaaaaalll the mirror’s fault.
And when she had at last thought of something to do, she painted her face, and dressed herself like an old pedler-woman, and no one could have known her. In this disguise she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs, and knocked at the door and cried, "Pretty things to sell, very cheap, very cheap." Little Snow-white looked out of the window and called out, "Good-day my good woman, what have you to sell?"
Not being at all surprised at a strange woman turning up out of nowhere. Where no one ever came. And the only person likely to be wandering a forest trying to SELL THINGS is someone who is up to no good.
"Good things, pretty things," she answered; "stay-laces of all colours," and she pulled out one which was woven of bright-coloured silk. "I may let the worthy old woman in," thought Snow-white, and she unbolted the door and bought the pretty laces. "Child," said the old woman, "what a fright you look; come, I will lace you properly for once."
I argue that since ‘years and years’ haven’t passed and the Queen was in a habit of asking her mirror who was the fairest on a pretty regular basis AND she calls Snow White ‘child’ here… Snow White is still about seven. And that means the Queen is trying to put a seven-year-old in a corset.
Snow-white had no suspicion, but stood before her, and let herself be laced with the new laces. But the old woman laced so quickly and so tightly that Snow-white lost her breath and fell down as if dead. "Now I am the most beautiful," said the Queen to herself, and ran away.
I have this mental image of a Queen cantering off full-tilt into the forest and clicking her heels in glee.
Not long afterwards, in the evening, the seven dwarfs came home, but how shocked they were when they saw their dear little Snow-white lying on the ground, and that she neither stirred nor moved, and seemed to be dead.
Um. She’s not breathing is why. Brain damage for sure.
They lifted her up, and, as they saw that she was laced too tightly, they cut the laces; then she began to breathe a little, and after a while came to life again.
…so…. Uh… she wasn’t breathing. And she wasn’t breathing for a significant period of time. Why isn’t she dead? This however obviously damaged her brain – which is proved by what happens next.
When the dwarfs heard what had happened they said, "The old pedler-woman was no one else than the wicked Queen; take care and let no one come in when we are not with you."
Why don’t you just leave one dwarf at home to guard her? Save you trouble.
But the wicked woman when she had reached home went in front of the glass and asked---
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
and it answered as before---
"Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,
But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,
Snow-white is still alive and well,
And none is so fair as she."
This mirror really wants Snow White dead.
When she heard that, all her blood rushed to her heart with fear, for she saw plainly that little Snow-white was again alive. "But now," she said, "I will think of something that shall put an end to you," and by the help of witchcraft, which she understood, she made a poisonous comb.
Where is the Queen coming up with all these ideas? And I mean to say, okay the huntsman angle didn’t work out so well, fair enough. But do we jump straight from ‘Oh I chose the wrong person for my hired killer’ to ‘I MUST DO IT MYSELF!’? Why not just send a team of mercenaries to raze the house to the ground? Or, if you must do it yourself, don’t use a method which can be reversed by – oh I don’t know – REMOVING THE COMB FROM HER HAIR! Stab her! She’s SEVEN.
Then she disguised herself and took the shape of another old woman. So she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs, knocked at the door, and cried, "Good things to sell, cheap, cheap!" Little Snow-white looked out and said, "Go away; I cannot let any one come in."
Thinking as she did so: ‘Oh my, I wonder why there are so many strange old ladies trying to sell things in this deserted forest these days! How strange!’
"I suppose you can look," said the old woman, and pulled the poisonous comb out and held it up. It pleased the girl so well that she let herself be beguiled, and opened the door. When they had made a bargain the old woman said, "Now I will comb you properly for once." Poor little Snow-white had no suspicion, and let the old woman do as she pleased,
I’D find that sentence suspicious. How is a peddler meant to know she’s never been combed properly? Also what IS Snow White using for money?
but hardly had she put the comb in her hair than the poison in it took effect, and the girl fell down senseless. "You paragon of beauty," said the wicked woman, "you are done for now," and she went away.
Ahem. Ma’am? Next time use a deadly poison, k? Just saying… you suck as a villainess.
But fortunately it was almost evening, when the seven dwarfs came home. When they saw Snow-white lying as if dead upon the ground they at once suspected the step-mother, and they looked and found the poisoned comb. Scarcely had they taken it out when Snow-white came to herself, and told them what had happened. Then they warned her once more to be upon her guard and to open the door to no one.
Gosh these dwarves are patient. Bet after she goes to sleep they talk sadly about how oxygen deprivation damaged her brain.
The Queen, at home, went in front of the glass and said---
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
then it answered as before---
"Oh, Queen, thou art fairest of all I see,
But over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell,
Snow-white is still alive and well,
And none is so fair as she."
When she heard the glass speak thus she trembled and shook with rage. "Snow-white shall die," she cried, "even if it costs me my life!"
Why doesn’t she just ask the mirror ‘Hey – yo – shiny man. Is Snow White still dead or what?’
Thereupon she went into a quite secret, lonely room, where no one ever came, and there she made a very poisonous apple. Outside it looked pretty, white with a red cheek, so that everyone who saw it longed for it; but whoever ate a piece of it must surely die.
So while making the poisonous comb she could do that at the breakfast table with her hubby the king, but the apple had to be made in secret? And might I note right here, right in the text that it’s a POISON apple. Anyone who eats it DIES.
When the apple was ready she painted her face, and dressed herself up as a country-woman, and so she went over the seven mountains to the seven dwarfs. She knocked at the door. Snow-white put her head out of the window and said, "I cannot let any one in; the seven dwarfs have forbidden me." "It is all the same to me," answered the woman, "I shall soon get rid of my apples. There, I will give you one."
Because yo. Look at all the busy townlife and many many cottages arou- oh oops. Damn. This was meant to be a town, how come I’m in a deserted forest in the mountains instead?
"No," said Snow-white, "I dare not take anything." "Are you afraid of poison?" said the old woman; "look, I will cut the apple in two pieces; you eat the red cheek, and I will eat the white." The apple was so cunningly made that only the red cheek was poisoned.
You didn’t say that earlier.
Snow-white longed for the fine apple, and when she saw that the woman ate part of it she could resist no longer, and stretched out her hand and took the poisonous half.
Brain. Damage. Because two scary strange peddler women trying to kill her didn’t teach her NOT TO TRUST THEM.
But hardly had she a bit of it in her mouth than she fell down dead. Then the Queen looked at her with a dreadful look, and laughed aloud and said, "White as snow, red as blood, black as ebony-wood! this time the dwarfs cannot wake you up again."
You gotta love that as a villainous line.
And when she asked of the Looking-glass at home---
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
it answered at last --
"Oh, Queen, in this land thou art fairest of all."
Then her envious heart had rest, so far as an envious heart can have rest.
See? The mirror totally just wanted Snow White dead. And fior gosh sakes why not just deport the girl? You’d be the fairest still and you could concentrate on ruling your kingdom instead of running off to the mountains in disguise every few days.
The dwarfs, when they came home in the evening, found Snow-white lying upon the ground; she breathed no longer and was dead. They lifted her up, looked to see whether they could find anything poisonous, unlaced her, combed her hair, washed her with water and wine, but it was all of no use; the poor child was dead, and remained dead. They laid her upon a bier, and all seven of them sat round it and wept for her, and wept three days long.
Wow. That’s a LOT of tears for a kid who was keeping house for you and wasn’t that bright.
Then they were going to bury her, but she still looked as if she were living, and still had her pretty red cheeks.
If she’d REALLY been as white as snow like she was meant to be they would have buried her without a second thought.
They said, "We could not bury her in the dark ground," and they had a transparent coffin of glass made, so that she could be seen from all sides, and they laid her in it, and wrote her name upon it in golden letters, and that she was a king's daughter. Then they put the coffin out upon the mountain, and one of them always stayed by it and watched it. And birds came too, and wept for Snow-white; first an owl, then a raven, and last a dove.
1. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE STOOD WATCH WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE, DAMMIT???? 2. What is up with the random birds? They’re never mentioned again.
And now Snow-white lay a long, long time in the coffin, and she did not change, but looked as if she were asleep; for she was as white as snow, as red as blood, and her hair was as black as ebony.
So she’s still seven. Remember that. Also a LONG time has passed.
It happened, however, that a king's son came into the forest, and went to the dwarfs' house to spend the night.
Dude, how DOES all this royalty find the dwarves house?
He saw the coffin on the mountain, and the beautiful Snow-white within it, and read what was written upon it in golden letters. Then he said to the dwarfs, "Let me have the coffin, I will give you whatever you want for it." But the dwarfs answered, "We will not part with it for all the gold in the world." Then he said, "Let me have it as a gift, for I cannot live without seeing Snow-white. I will honour and prize her as my dearest possession." As he spoke in this way the good dwarfs took pity upon him, and gave him the coffin.
O_O
She still looks seven (see above ‘did not change’) and is purportedly DEAD. What a creepy prince.
And now the King's son had it carried away by his servants on their shoulders. And it happened that they stumbled over a tree-stump, and with the shock the poisonous piece of apple which Snow-white had bitten off came out of her throat. And before long she opened her eyes, lifted up the lid of the coffin, sat up, and was once more alive.
Oh no you don’t. No, story, NO. Either she choked to death because she had apple stuck in her throat in which case – well, frankly the dwarves are idiots and she’s dead because it’s been YEARS. OR she was poisoned and poison DOES NOT REVERSE DEATH if you remove the poisonous item from the body! If I had an arsenic victim and took the deadly arsenic banana from their stomach they would STILL be dead from arsenic poisoning!
"Oh, heavens, where am I?" she cried. The King's son, full of joy, said, "You are with me," and told her what had happened, and said, "I love you more than everything in the world; come with me to my father's palace, you shall be my wife."
Story, according to you she’s still seven. Even if what you meant was that she hadn’t decomposed, she’s been asleep since she was seven so she has the mind of a child. Either way this is creepy.
And Snow-white was willing, and went with him, and their wedding was held with great show and splendour. But Snow-white's wicked step-mother was also bidden to the feast. When she had arrayed herself in beautiful clothes she went before the Looking-glass, and said---
"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,
Who in this land is the fairest of all?"
the glass answered---
"Oh, Queen, of all here the fairest art thou,
But the young Queen is fairer by far as I trow."
Ween. Trow. Mirror, you’re forcing your rhymes something CRIMINAL. Why doesn’t the queen ever get tired of asking that question?
Then the wicked woman uttered a curse, and was so wretched, so utterly wretched, that she knew not what to do. At first she would not go to the wedding at all, but she had no peace, and must go to see the young Queen. And when she went in she knew Snow-white;
Because Snow White didn’t change.
and she stood still with rage and fear, and could not stir. But iron slippers had already been put upon the fire, and they were brought in with tongs, and set before her. Then she was forced to put on the red-hot shoes, and dance until she dropped down dead.
OUCH. Okay look the woman was consumed by envy but she was also obviously being manipulated by a malevolent mirror and was insane (really, all that cloak-and-dagger stuff when she originally gaily told the huntsman to kill her daughter?). Note there is no ‘happy ever after’ note here. This is because Snow White married a very very creepy prince. And was the mental age of a seven-year-old.
Next up – Cinderella.
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